AIBU to refuse to cook for rude stepson after family gathering?

Did his father work away in the week when you were 50/50?

You could go by the rebuild route… the current asking him doesn’t work . Maybe incorporate half an hour during the visit where you can all play ( as a family, the 5 of you) a card game like Dobble or Uno. Make it your family habit. It’s a really light way to engage. He may forget he’s not talking to you. Every time my step dc visit, it’s part of our routine. I also do an activity one to one with the younger step child just the two of us. It’s become a format for visits. The moody one will also join the family game and begrudgingly has fun :)

I’m glad you’ve taken from the thread that your DH isn’t stepping up to the plate (very fucking far from!) as a parent @Bookworm847. I definitely would not want to be with someone I could not respect as a competent parent so I think you posting about what you saw as a DSS problem may have wider ripples on your life. If you want a separate fresh thread on dealing with this it may be useful?

Also may I ask, was it an Easter family “celebration” you had on Sunday? We don’t mark Easter but non Jewish friends all seemed to mark it with special or family meals. For us, a 13yr old is probably on the cusp of being free to stay at home for similar festival style meet ups, but their presence would be appreciated and encouraged - in a very different way from your thread (also they’d want to go at 13 as they’d be spoilt by grandparents etc!) It seems a very different culture and it feels very “cold”. It’s reassuring that the majority of posters think so and it’s not just cultural differences. It seems to be seen a difference in family interaction, and a dad that isn’t being a good enough dad. I feel sorry for the boy but can appreciate your frustration. Your H needs to step up and instil manners by demonstrating how to behave as a good person, as well telling him how. Also seeing if there is unhappiness in your DSS, it seems obvious there is but your H is just fucking off to work, and sending his child away without even thinking about his welfare. Shit parenting. Shit role model. Shit husband.

How do you think you will get to this outcome ? What do you think you all need to do to get there ? And what will you do if that doesn’t happen ?

Do your kids and your step son not interact at all?

I would like to ask the OP what outcome she wants and how does she think she or they will get to it ?

Is there anything wrong with being quiet though? It sounds like pretty normal teenage behaviour. This isn't the same as a teen swearing. If his opinion of you is genuiely low, then he can't really win can he? Surely we've all said to children 'if you have nothing nice to say.. ' Maybe he is resentful that he has had to reduce contact with his Dad who is working all hours whilst you are at home with your DC.

You’re being overly harsh on your stepson and not harsh enough on your husband. It is REALLY HARD for children to acquire a stepparent, no matter how nice they are. It’s perfectly natural and normal that he doesn’t want to join in with someone else’s family. And I think deep down, vanishingly few step parents ACTUALLY treat their step kids with familial love and affection even if they truly think they do.
But why is your DH expecting you to do all the cooking and childcare? THAT is the real problem here.

Absolutely 💯 it's a shit situation. But it's been caused by your DHs lack of parenting.

Presumably you all got on better when your SS was there 50/50? What is your husband doing to change this situation and why has this been allowed go on so long?

My DSS is nearly 14, Im with his Dad 10 years so similar timeline to your family. And the only time I have been ignored is if he had earbuds in and couldn't hear me. If he was rude to me (or anyone for that matter) my DH would pull him up on it immediately and not let it drag on for 2 whole years. But similarly my DH would have fought the wars.to make sure he saw his son more than 14% of the month.

You shouldn't have to deal with this behaviour... but the problem stems with your DH.

How can you love someone who allows this situation @Bookworm847 ?

To allow your wife to be disrespected by your own son shows the measure of your husband. And he sounds utterly self absorbed and prepared to let you be treated like this in your own home.

He does not show love for you, or his son, by farting off to work and knowing the atmosphere he is escaping from, and leaving you to cope with.

Well the OP either gets to the root of the non verbal issues and resolves them or agrees with her OH that stepson never comes over again.
First requires effort and a desire to want to do so. I don’t believe that exists.
Two years this has gone on for so highly unlikely to be resolved anytime soon.
Which leaves the latter.

Omg... I've repeatedly said THE FATHER NOT THE OP... should be ensuring enough food.

Are you actually that stupid or do you genuinely think the OP and the Father are the one? 🙄

If it was last minute on a bank holiday, the Dad (NOT THE OP) could have ensured there was at least enough extra food to cover HIS SON for one day until he could get a proper shop done for the rest of the week.

why do you think they would only allow him one days food when he was to stay the week, without notice? There was plenty of food for the weekend he was expected, as has been covered. But not for the surprise extra week. Why are you working so hard to misread all the posts to make the op out to be the bad guy mistreating a child?

It’s not a child’s fault it’s your husbands and your issue. He’s naturally protesting the situation, you are not his mother and it doesn’t sound like you are trying hard to make him like you or try to understand him. In the whole message it’s about your feelings and your efforts, did you try to take his perspective, why does he behave this way? I can tell you 100% it’s not because he’s just spoilt or mean kid. Don’t be mad at this kid, sort this between your husband and yourself and then work with the kid. He’s a teenager on top of everything

Poor kids. All 3 of them.

DH should take time off to spend with his DS. I feel sorry for DS. His Dad just expects him to slot into your family set up & he now has step siblings at his Mums who break his stuff. He sounds unhappy & that’s likely the reason he’s over eating.

I agree with @Whaleandsnail6 - he was probably hoping to spend time with his Dad & instead it was a family gathering.

Does DH ever do anything 1-1 when his son comes over? Bearing in mind he’s only there every other weekend.

I think it’s normal for a child to split the week & have one week of Easter hols at each house.