AIBU to refuse to cook for rude stepson after family gathering?

The problem here is your DH. He’s not amazing, he’s useless. He should be parenting his son, he’s not even doing the basics like teaching him good manners, or even cooking a meal for him.

You have a big conversation with DH due here. Prepare exactly what you want, going forward. Do not be side lined, stick to your guns and insist that DH steps up. Stay strong. 💪

I think you’re right, but also you have to understand he probably holds some resentment that his step siblings of similar age get to spend all of their time with his dad, whilst he just gets to see his father four days a month. This is bound to have an impact on him emotionally which might explain why he acts like he does sometimes. Does your dh get to spend one on one time with his son?

This!

The first part of this spot on; the rest I have to disagree with. The kid needs some stability and for you to show that you want him in your lives. You need a united front with your husband. Assuming you want this to work I'm afraid it sounds like you’ll have to take the lead in showing your husband what good parenting looks like as he clearly doesn’t know! Yes that’s crap and let’s the man off the hook to an extent but his crappy parenting has already done a lot of damage to this poor kid so you either try to help him solve it or walk away. He’s not going to magically guess how to be a great dad or he would have already been doing it!

DH is the issue. DSS is just a child - be kind and generous to DSS who is dealing with a lot of emotions. Be tough with DH who needs to be a proper father and husband - he can cook!

It’s your DC I feel for. It would have broken my heart when I was their age to have watched my mum be treated as such an irrelevance by another child except for servitude and see this be backed up by a man who is supposed to love her.

He only sees his son EOW?

My ex is the same but its less now hes older but I just don't know how these men spend so much time and energy on step kids and rarely see their own kids.

It depends...if he has always only seen his dad every other weekend, how much will he have really seen ops extended family? He may not feel that comfortable around them all and like a bit of am outsider.

At the end of the day, his behaviour doesn't really scream happy teenager. So maybe his dad needs to actually parent him and spend time with his, instead of going off on Easter Sunday to play happy families with his step kids, on the weekend his own son is here.

Sure, he may have just been being a brat by refusing to go, but dad should be dealing with that, not ditching him all day and not even bothering to ensure he has an evening meal.

He sees him every other weekend. Dad should make an effort when he is there

🤣🤣🤣🤣

DH has also agreed DSS being here all week now as I am off work and home with activities planned and booked for my DC with out even a conversation- DH will be at work so I feel now I can’t relax on my weekend off

This is awful behaviour on DH part. How dare he agree with his ex that DSS can stay with you for the week while he is at work, without even consulting you.
How DARE he not even consult you or talk to you about it first.
Just who does he think he is?
How DARE he just take over your time, impose this burden on you (and DSS is a burden, because of crap fathering). Does he think he is your employer, with authority to dole out tasks and dictate what you do?

You need to find your anger.

Tell DH that if DSS is here for the week, he needs to book annual leave and actually spend time with his son.
If DH refuses to take annual leave, can you take your two DS and go and stay elsewhere for a few nights? Force him to step up.
Do you have access to money? Can you book a cheap Air BNB or a Travelodge?

The child is not the problem here.

They’ve been together since he was 4 they are also his family if he’s been involved since the beginning.

Why was a 13 yo allowed to stay at home all day? Kids will rebel against going to family get togethers unless they can take a device with them or see someone they really like there. Looks like your DSS isn’t being parented.

You do have a voice. Why do you not lay down a few house rules with your Stepson?

Time for you and your DH to sit down and teach him some manners.

Don’t piss him, off that won’t work.

It’s not what you/both say, it’s how you say it.

But left his own kid sat at home alone all day.

This kid sees his dad every other weekend and because he doesn't want to go to a "huge" family gathering, where only 3 of the attendees are his actual family, his dad leaves him alone, and then can't even be bothered to cook his son a meal on returning home.

He barely gets any time with his dad. Is this kid ever his dads priority?

I feel sorry for him and his behaviour is probably a result of his useless dad.

Right. So he did the stuff he enjoys. And not the stuff he didn’t. What a prince. Look op, have your bar as low as you like. Your choice. The problem is when between you you’re bringing up 3 new boys to be misogynists by what they see.

Does he see that he should have been spending that time and playing those games with his own child? Instead of leaving him on his own playing on his computer? Please tell me he monitors what his son is up to online ?

Oh God. Just seen it’s your home? Do you mean as in you bought it and he moved in?

Good for you that you’ve finally worked out where the problem is. Your dss is the product of his parents. His dad has been essentially absent, and when he has been there, still absent. I’m not sure what has happened in your past to have made you believe that this awful man was in any way some kind of decent person.

I’ll past your own post here to spell out what you actually intended

Why does your DSS want to spend the week at your house? It seems an odd choice if he doesn't really join in.
I would actually limit the amount of food in the house he can help himself to. Enough so he doesn't go hungry but not enough that he can eat far more than he needs.
Send your DH to the shop each evening to restock what's needed for the next day and get your DH to sort his son's mess along with his son.
Neither of them might be so keen on him staying the week again if they both have to take some responsibility for the food eaten and the mess made.

Poor kid. His dad sounds useless

He sees him every other weekend, and left him yesterday to go to a family gathering. Did he not even try and find out why he didn't want to go?

This doesn't sound like a happy teenager.

Get rid of this waste of space bloke who you claim is amazing with your kids but crap with his own

Every other weekend does not make a parent, especially if he leaves him alone during that time and doesn't spend time with him, or do the basics such as cooking

This update makes me feel even more sorry for the poor kid. He’s lashing out and blaming you which is not great but someone in his life needs to put him first and that means communicating and setting boundaries so he can feel part of the family. He should have been made to attend the family celebration; he wants to be wanted. Soon he will be too old for you to insist on these things but he’s still young - a kid in a young adult’s body.

That poor poor boy. No home that’s a safe space for him. A misogynist crap father. I’ll bet he’s off like a shot the second he can.