AIBU to refuse to cook for rude stepson after family gathering?

This boy just sounds so unhappy. He is having to live in a situation he would not have chosen with strangers.

So DSS stopped talking to you 2 years ago. The same sort of time as 50/50 contact was changed to EOW. Coincidence or not?

Perhaps DSS wanted contact to stay 50/50 and somehow sees it as your fault. I'm not saying it is but he seems to prefer your household if he wants to stay for a week and his mother's household is chaotic with siblings breaking things.

A 13 year old should be able to put together a meal for themselves . If DH that concerned he should do it himself.

You need to insist that your husband and his son clear up daily and replace the food daily. Your husband is a prick. You don’t invite your child over and then go to work poor fucking child.

You need to sit down around a table and your Husband needs to say
you have ignored Emma for 2 years and ignoring is beyond rude this is her house, This is our house and family and you are welcome but on conditions and one of those is basic courtesy this is hello, thanks, cleaning up etc and you are just being so rude and disrespectful.

But I don’t think he will he is not a good husband or a good father.

When you had him 50/50, did his dad actually parent him the vast majority of the time, or did you?
when you said ‘my home’ below, do you mean the house you live in bought by both of you, or did you own in before?

Poor SS also has a blended family at his main home with his mum where his other step siblings break his stuff, so basically neither house feels like his home.

His poor behaviour towards you is communicating how unhappy he is and as pp have said you either commit to addressing his issues with your husband and making his happiness your priority or you leave.
This will not get better by leaving it to your lazy, thoughtless husband.

You and your husband have created an unhealthy dynmamic and now you would rather blame your step child than take responsibility for that. Don't try to isolate one of the children in your household, it is abusive and unhealthy for all three DC.

Do you ask him what he is cooking for your kids?

He sounds like a real lowlife misogynist, and is a failure as a parent. And a sulker, too.
I couldn't be around a man like this for one minute.

You could be enjoying life.

Somebody needs to step up for this neglected child. Yes, he's neglected. At home with his mum his stepsiblings break all his things to the point that he needs to leave his computer at his dad's where he spends just eow. At his dad's he's allowed to spend all day infront of his computer and he's overeating, either emotionally or because he's not properly fed at home.
@Bookworm847 Not saying you are responsible for this but surely you, as an adult, realises that this is neglect?

Someone needs to lovingly care for this boy. I'm a former social worker and while all might not feel up to this I would go to great extent to create a bond with this young lad and help his father to do so as well. Starting with taking this boy out on 1:1 activities. Your dh should absolutely do this, I understand that it's hard for you now when a negative pattern has already been established. Try to have some compassion for this boy who probably feels unsafe and unloved and who is truly miserable. He should have set screen times and not be let to his own devices. That's just neglect.

Your dh needs to massively step up for his son and start to take his fatherly duties seriously. This is just not good enough. I honestly couldn't love and respect a man who expects someone else to care of his son when he already sees so little of him.

So how many meals is he cooking per week OP? Bet he gives it the whole‘I’ve been working all week’

Teenagers can be arseholes .. they aren’t adults, they don’t have adult brains or adult reasoning. They can show unhappiness through bad behaviour.

This started 2 years ago, what got said at the time it started? Did someone sit down with him and have a conversation about what’s going on (without getting mad or angry). He is telling you all something, and none of you are listening - yes, the way he is expressing is wrong, but you need to dig in and find out what’s happening

He seems unhappy, he won’t be enjoying feeling this way, he won’t be enjoying excluding himself, he won’t be enjoying a lack of connection.

An adult needs to spend some time with him, having a non-judgmental, non-angry conversation. Maybe reframe the narrative.

My bet is that he feels pushed out at his Mum’s , and pushed out at his Dad’s (rightly or wrongly)

I'm going to take a different approach here. Your stepson is obviously unhappy.

While I agree that you have a DH problem, I also think that you need to help your stepson and look at this just as an issue with a teenage child.

It's today normal for them to be sulky and rude at this age and to want to be in their room for hours. However, he shouldn't be allowed to opt out of family events, sometimes they just need forcing along.

I would look at doing some love bombing on him and building up your relationship with him. Spend time with him, talk to him, make him feel like you care. Teenagers are desperate for attention and connection but they act out as if they don't. You need to parent him and offer it.

And yes, ideally his dad would do this as well but I think you need to do it too. You are in his life as a parent figure and you need to step up to that.

DH is a separate issue. Keep them separate and deal with them separately, but please don't let this young boy feel alone and unloved.

But the way yanbu over the food, your DH in this situation should have made his son something to eat.

Then this lovely DH of yours buys in more food on his way home and then the lovely DH either cleans up the mess or gets his son to do it.

Then your lovely DH can talk to his child that his rudeness stops right now (and any other problems) and then lovely DH can start parenting his child when the child comes to your house, which can involve cooking for him if child refuses to eat with rest of family.

Your lovely DH is a misogynistic twat btw. Congratulations on foisting him on your two children.

PS. It's not your house anymore if you married.

Well done op, although I suspect your h will just opt for the latter, and shift his problem back on to a different woman. I’d eat my hat if for I expect the first time in his life he would do what decent dads do all the time, which is take the time off, take his son somewhere he wants to go to and devotes an entire week to him. I expect doing something like that isn’t even on this man’s radar. Which is why his son is like he is.

I’ve just read that he works away all week as well! What exactly is he bringing to your life right now?

Well done standing up for yourself. I do feel sorry for DSS though, but his dad needs to step up here.

Im sure you know your husband is the main problem here....
Your DH seems to be modelling disrespectful behaviour to his DS in the way he treats you. Its unsurprising the DSS is growing up to be disrespectful to the only woman in the household.

1. DH needs to treat you with respect ie: not expecting you to provide childcare/cooking for his DS without consultation with you.
2. Your DH need to participate int he care of his DS
3. You need to work together on expectations of each other.

Your ‘D’H sounds bloody useless! I can’t believe he had the cheek to ask you what you were going to cook for his son!
And I’d be having words with him re assuming you’re ok to have his son around all week when he won’t be there. He’s treating you like the hired help!

You say DH is an amazing step dad. But he's a shit father. DSS is not the problem here and he sounds deeply unhappy. Just put yourself in DSS's shoes for a moment. Your DH spends more time with your sons of a similar age (lives with them full time) and is an 'amazing step dad' to them and yet he only sees his own son EOW and even then leaves him alone for the day or goes to work.

I'm not condoning the way your DSS acts towards you but it's not hard to see why.

Yet another woman defending her crap husband and putting the blame on his child.

🙄