AIBU to refuse to cook for rude stepson after family gathering?

If only he had his actual dad there who could also feed him 🙄 ridiculous comment

I think you've been very silly to let this massive disrespect go on for 2 years ,your DH refuses to address it so he is happy for you to be walked all over, Neither of them care about you. I would not put up with that ,it's not fair on you or your chlidren. Dump them both!

I expect your SS feels very inadequate and that he doesn't fit in either family set up. This is the main reason why teenagers refuse to mix with family members and would rather be left alone.

There are many reasons that leads to a teenagers feeling inadequate and these can be compkex but unless these reasons are investigated and considered, things are unlikely to get better.

Asking a teenagers to stop to be rude without understanding the reason for the rudeness, usually frustrations that can't be expressed because not listened to, is totally futile.

You need to have it out clearly with your husband. If his son is staying in your house, he must behave politely and respectfully to you. If not, you are not going to cook for him, clean up after him or entertain him in any way and all that is up to your husband. How does his son get on with your own sons?

You summed up your DH perfectly when you wrote you had planned a big family gathering for Easter, you did everything and DH sat back and drank beer.
He likes an easy life whilst expecting you to do the work, he expects you to forget his son’s behaviour and carry on as he expects you to enable him to have a stress free existence.
When he is pushed to talk to his son about his behaviour he just churns out next time because like tomorrow it never comes. He can’t be bothered to be that involved to parent his child or care about your feelings.
Your DH doesn’t respect your boundaries and goes into a mood when he can’t get his own way because he believes your role in life is to please him and enable the lazy fucker to live stress free. He doesn’t care if you get disrespected, he doesn’t care if his son stays the week and the house ends up a bomb site or all the food has been eaten as he expects you to remedy that problem.
You can point the truth out time after time but he refuses to acknowledge he is the problem because frankly my dear he doesn’t give a damn!

Okay, that’s a problem. Yes, your DH shouldn’t have said yes he can stay but I don’t think he would have asked in the first place if he was happy at his mum’s.

This could be an opportunity for you to get things back on track with him. You could do all these things with him. Just tell him a time he needs to be ready by each day, and the rest of the time he can do as he wishes but it’s non-negotiable because he needs to enjoy his school holidays and you’d like to spend some time with him.

He’s enabling DSSs bad behaviour towards you. My response would be cook it yourself too, albeit a slightly more colourful version.

Wow. So the poor kid can’t even live in peace at his mums due to having step siblings there too who break his stuff.

👏👏 to all the fab parenting in this family.

OP, how was your relationship with DSS before he stopped talking to you? He was living with you 50/50 and you've known him since he was 4 years old so presumably you were much closer than you are now?

If so, did he see you as a stable mother figure compared to his own mum? And when contact was reduced he lost that stable mother figure?

Poor child. Sounds utterly shit for him. Doesn’t live with his dad while his dad plays dad to someone else’s sons.

Family out all day somewhere he clearly feels out of place and no dinner for him. Could you not have brought some leftovers back for him?

you both sound awful, yet another step parent post about a crappy family set up for all the kids concerned due to their parents poor decisions.

Show your Husband this thread. I won’t call him DH cos he’s not!
He’s a complete tosser who treats you like a maid, asking you to cook for a disrespectful 13yr old. That would get short shrift from me!

Tell him straight, if DSS is with you for a week then he’s to be at home aswell to parent him, spend some one to one time with Dss and find out what the hell is going on.
YOU WILL NOT BE DISRESPECTED IN YOUR OWN HOME. Put your foot down. You don’t take it from your own kids so you won’t have it from dss.

The child is clearly unhappy and if H doesn’t nip this in the bud, it’s going to get worse.

And it’s unhealthy modelling for your children to see DSS & H treating you so disrespectfully.

It's actually really difficult to read how dismissive and cold you seem to be of this child who has been in your life for almost a decade.

Your DH is now addressing this - albeit at your instructions. I think if you decide to carry on with this relationship then there needs to be clear communication with DH regarding DSS.

DSS sounds quite unhappy, although 13 is a tricky age and they do tend to go from happy go lucky boys to stroppy grunting angry teens. I think they just dont know how to communicate how they feel, or dont know why they feel this way. Im not excusing his behaviour toward you at all, its not on and not acceptable. I dont have an answer for it.

The DH works away all week … he won’t see his son until Fri night - and maybe not even then if he has gone back to his Mums.

But the DH is setting the tone in the family towards the OP - he is lazy, demanding, entitled - he is actively and visibly disrespectful of the OP - he is the role model of how the OP should be treated. The DH is also abusing the OP by proxy by enabling his DS to be actively hostile to the OP - that suits the DH.

Would you have accepted that from one of your DSs, or would you have said, no, we need to sort this out? It started around the time things changed to EOW? That must have been difficult for the 10/11 year old, also changing from Primary to high school. Did your DH just take the easy option and ignore it all? Does your DSS connect (wrongly) his Dad working away with needing to pay for your children? Was it fully explained why and what was happening? I don't think that you should be giving up on your DSS. As said it is now DSS home, as well as your's. Your DH needs to stop his childish behaviour and help his son.

Hide as many snacks as possible in your bedroom. Don't replace any food he eats. Ignore the mess.

@Bookworm847 Your DH needs to step-up and put some effort into parenting his DS. He should have shown him it was no trouble cooking for him yesterday. I wonder how he felt when he was clearly a burden for you both (not blaming you OP).

Your DH should be told to make a fuss of him after work this week. Take him out, cinema, wood walks, kick-about over the park, ice cream etc… and willingly cook for him.

You might then find he becomes happier to be in your home and stop the silence treatment.

OP, you are not listening to the many posters who have expressed concern for this 13 year old boy, who doesn’t feel at home in either home. People keep on saying that this issue yesterday was your DH’s behaviour, but you keep on emphasising how intolerable and difficult for you your DSS’ behaviour is. You’ve known him since he was 4 but you can’t find any way to get on a wavelength with him? Does anyone actually know what he is up to on his computer by the way?

To go back to your OP, yes it was not reasonable for you to cook for him and you were entirely justified in telling his dad to sort it. It was unreasonable of your DH even to suggest that it was your responsibility. Yes it is not reasonable of his DH to agree he will stay all week without discussing it with you, taking any time to be with his son during the week, or setting ground rules (and enforcing them) for what will happen whether his Dad is in or out.

But please find a bit more heart for your SS however rudely he has treated you. And ask yourself what you will do if your own kids go through a difficult phase as young teens. If you think it won’t happen to you, have a read through the many threads on here that show that none of us can say that.

Your DSS shouldn't be staying for a week when his dad isn't there to care for him.
Edit to add: especially as DSS doesn't clean up after himself and leaves a mess. DH needs to parent him or clean or after him.

What on earth have I just read?? Why the fuck does your DH expect you to cook for his son? Does having a penis prevent him from being able to prepare food? Have you all been transported back to the 1950s? Is your DH the Neanderthal from the other thread? Chuck this lazy sexist twat out and his obnoxious son with him. Why oh why would you put up with this OP?

Is this real? A 13 year old who sees his dad married to another woman and all the associated hormones of being 13.
Limit his food?
This is the stuff of wicked stepmothers.

As others have said, you have a DH problem. This child clearly believes he belongs nowhere and is not the main focus of attention at either of his 'homes'.

The lazy fucker who asked you what YOU were going to cook for HIS child - does he ever do a fair share in the cooking of meals or do we infer from this question that he leaves all that to you?

He's really role modelling 'misogynist twat' for the all the children in the family, isn't he?

Did these feelings surface and was the conversation with your DH only initiated because of this thread?

How did your DH respond?

This needs to be your focus.

I have some deep compassion for your DSS - looks like he’s not the priority anywhere - seems he is an only child and his step siblings and half siblings each have similar aged siblings and both families centre their dynamics on the younger DCs.

It must be hard as a teenager ricocheting between households.

His DF is neglectful of him and maybe he sees him being a great stepfather to your DCs - that must sting.

Does your SS EOW coincide with when your DCs are away or with you? IMHO it would be better for him to have one on one time with his DF. This is a really critical emotional development phase right now and would be a good investment of your DH time if he doesn’t want his DS to go off the rails and have years of issues.