AIBU to refuse to cook for rude stepson after family gathering?

The OP's children live in the house full time with their mum and stepdad. The SS only stays every other week. It is not his house so of course he is going to feel like an outsider.

The OP's partner doesn't seem to make an effort where his son is concerned and the OP is taking her resentment out on the SS. Sad situation all round.

I think Dad needs to have a chat with his son. He needs to find out the root of the non verbals. Age, online inappropriate misogyny ? Worries at his mums ?
The non speaking has gone on for two years. That is far too long.
He is still a child.

You have a DH problem OP. Yes this lad is being disrespectful but he didn't ask for a new home with a new stepmum and stepsiblings and a dad who thinks it's ok to outsource to you during the small amounts of time that he's expected to step up and be a dad. For the sake of your stepson tell DH he will be providing all care to his son as son has made it very clear that he isn't comfortable around you and it isn't your responsibility to care for him. Who owns the house? If it's your house tell DH you will be asking stepson to leave any time he makes you or your children feel disrespected in your home. If it's a shared home you might need to start threatening to leave and making plans to leave and mean it...

You do all the grunt work whilst DH does the fun stuff like board/card games, kicking a football round the garden.
His 13 year old son needs to know basic respect, that it’s not acceptable to completely ignore SM. That he is expected to be polite even if he doesn’t count her as family or like her. That there are basic rules he is expected to follow like everyone else in the household like tidying after himself and not eating all the food.
If DH can’t be bothered then I feel sorry for his son because his dad is only interested in him for the fun times.

Your step son comes as part of the package with your husband.
He is at a very awkward age. And probably doesn’t feel welcome.
As to meals. Not cooking for someone who is a child in your home and you are the adult will reap consequences. But not good ones. It is a clear ‘go away’ message.

You have a lazy selfish waster on your hands who son is in his likeness.
Your poor children in this set up.
You have tolerated this for two years, which is unbelievable.
Putting a man ahead of your own children is so wrong.
This is a toxic environment for your children where they watch you being treated like this.

He sulked because you wouldn't be skivvy to his rude son, after he sat guzzling beers?
And you really believe that is a good environment for your child?
Unbelievable.
Raise your very low bar, for your childrens sake.

Agree, feel sorry for all the children only seeing their fathers EOW, no wonder this poor boy is acting up.

Yes @Harry12345 exactly this. Their child should come first and everything should be done with their best interests in mind until the child is 16+. It’s not even a long time for an adult to wait. It is a heck of a long time for a child to have a miserable home life, as it sounds like all the children in this wretched family have. It’s bad enough for a child to have to live without both parents, let alone some random fucker and their equally miserable step siblings. Thread after thread on MN proves this and I won’t stop saying it.

Ah no it probably wouldn’t be as nice if he tried to cook something

Your OH isn’t amazing OP. Why in hell would you be cooking a second meal for DSS when you’ve already cooked a meal that he refused? If he wants to allow his son to get away with refusing to join the family then he can bloody well cook for him, or better yet point him towards the kitchen to make something for himself!
Agreeing for him to be with you all week without even asking you if that’s ok and with him not being there is even worse. As you say, you had stuff planned.
Like others have said, his poor parenting isn’t really DSS fault. You are probably right that DSS won’t want to come with you for whatever activities you have booked, or at least he’ll feel like he has to say he doesn’t want to come, but will then then end up stuck in on his own during during his school holidays which is pretty sad, because of a situation that it is fathers making. If he can stay on his own then surely he can just do that at his mothers home?

How is the dad on team dss when he went out and left him alone all day?

The beer swilling, sulking, part time 'father' could easily have cracked on.

This is why his first marriage broke up.
Your step son sounds like a typical fed up sulky teen. Your husband should know better.

Let me guess, he has no problem disciplining your children, but not his own golden child?

Fuck that. You are forcing your kids into a life of second best in every way, and for what? For some unrelated rude brat and his lazy misogynistic father. You can do better for yourself. Genuinely wtf.

To be honest, if they cannot manage to swing their new set-up to make the child feel loved, secure and as though they fully belong, then yes, actually, they probably should stay single. A child is a responsibility.

Of course it is perfectly possible for a parent to move on and do this BUT the child needs to be fully considered and any other adult consenting to a relationship where a child pre-exists their own arrival within that dynamic needs to accept the child's right to truly belong within a secure family environment too.

You should have just cracked on OP and made the poor lad something… couldn’t you have just made something nice and nutritious like a roast chicken dinner or even a homemade pie or pizza? Those things don’t really take all that long to make

And this is why step kids can be messed up! It’s their home, you can’t refuse to have a child in their own home! Would op do that with her own 13 year old?

As much as I agree it is a shame for the child, do you expect parents to live as single people for the rest of their lives?

Agree. I never understand how people read these threads and cannot see the pain in the children manifesting in their inconvenient behaviour.

Initially I voted YANBU as your DSS sounded rude and your DH lazy.

I've changed my vote to YABU having read your responses as you seem determined to minimise the crap behaviour of a grown man and put all the blame on a 13 year old boy who sounds like he has a tough life (his step siblings break all of his things? And your DH thinks it's fine for him to stay in that situation 12 days out of 14?)

You have a DH who expects you to cook at the drop of a hat for him and his DSS (even if you are responsible for cooking for the family generally, if he wants a separate meal or his DSS does he should cook it). He also thinks you can look after his DSS (who doesn't talk to you) whilst he disappears for a week!

This wasn't your original question, but I'd seriously be considering what he brings to your life. Thank goodness you don't have any shared children.

No fucking way!!! Plan your days with your own children and tell DH that he needs to sort out his own sons activities during the week

But they are supposed to be a family of which the DSS is part. This does not sound like a recipe for a united family unit.

So he is the spare child everywhere? No wonder he is struggling. Over eating may be sheer sorrow. Poor kid.
Your DH sounds ghastly and uninvolved. This is a really sad post. Poor children

Nip this in the bud now OP otherwise DSS will drive a wedge between you and your husband and the marriage will be in tatters. His behaviour will only get worse now he realises that he has the upper hand and that his dad is team DSS. He'll feed off this power. Your husband either steps up and addresses this disrespect for you immediately or he moves out.
And as for the looking after his son all week?? No fucking way!!! Plan your days with your own children and tell DH that he needs to sort out his own sons activities during the week and if that means taking time off work then so be it! He is your DHs responsibility, not yours!

Who owns the house? Is it jointly owned @Bookworm847 ? I honestly couldn't be with someone who disrespected me like that. The ds is another issue entirely but your dh is the main problem.