AIBU to refuse to cook for rude stepson after family gathering?

Bookworm847 · 2026-04-06T07:55:54+00:00

So me and DH have been together 9 years- he has 1 DS age 13 and I have 2 DS age 15 & 13 and no children together. My DC live with me and go to their Dad EOW and we have DSS EOW. About 2 years ago DSS stopped taking to me and I may get the occasional grunt but no ‘hello’ ‘goodbye’ and he mostly just walks off and ignores me when I talk or DH will repeat the same question and he will answer him which I find rude and disrespectful. Yesterday we planned a huge family gathering for Easter and DSS refused to go- DH told him next time he would be going which I said was ridiculous and either he is part of the family and attends or you allow him to do what he pleases and stop the ‘next time’ as that’s pointless. we get home about 8pm and DH asks me what I am cooking for DSS as he didn’t have dinner- I stated nothing and he hadn’t eaten due to his choice to stay home and DH was more than welcome to cook for him but I wasn’t (I had been cooking all day and DH had sat drinking beer). DH then got in a sulk and I feel I had just had enough of the whole situation- I love my DH and he is an amazing step dad but he has allowed his son to be rude and disrespectful to me in my own home for 2 years and not addressed it to the point I feel uncomfortable in my own home when DSS is here and while it’s mainly only EOW it’s hard. DH has also agreed DSS being here all week now as I am off work and home with activities planned and booked for my DC with out even a conversation- DH will be at work so I feel now I can’t relax on my weekend off

NormasArse · 15/04/2026 11:11

tripleginandtonic · 06/04/2026 16:18

Age 13 he can be home alone.

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But he’s expecting the OP to cover.

NormasArse · 09/04/2026 19:40

Bookworm847 · 06/04/2026 08:59

Yes his son can be left and I very much doubt he would want to come out with us anyway- but he makes a huge mess and we go through more food in the 2 days he is normally here then my 2 DSS in 12 days so I would get to come home to a massive mess daily and no food

Will the world end if he eats a lot and makes a mess?

Leave his mess for him and your DH to clean up, and up your food budget (DH again) to include stuff he can put together himself.

PixieTales · 09/04/2026 05:51

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H3342 · 08/04/2026 15:49

IrishSelkie · 08/04/2026 08:59

It’s kind of hard to overlook the fact that his step siblings of the same age as him and 2 years older are being given the royal treatment while he is being treated like Cinderella.

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Are you on glue the right thread?

What exactly is this royal treatment?

BudgetBuster · 08/04/2026 12:23

IrishSelkie · 08/04/2026 08:59

It’s kind of hard to overlook the fact that his step siblings of the same age as him and 2 years older are being given the royal treatment while he is being treated like Cinderella.

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What Royal Treatment? 🙄
They were fed at the dinner event... DSS refused to attend said event and then his lame excuse of a father tried to get his wife to make the teen a meal.

Other than that I don't see where the OP has mentioned her kids get ROYAL TREATMENT?

Original poster

Bookworm847 · 08/04/2026 12:19

IrishSelkie · 08/04/2026 08:59

It’s kind of hard to overlook the fact that his step siblings of the same age as him and 2 years older are being given the royal treatment while he is being treated like Cinderella.

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My children have ‘jobs’ in the home to earn money to go out and do things as DSS is not here he just gets it transferred to his card so my children are not some princes that get more of everything

OP posts:

Original poster

Bookworm847 · 08/04/2026 12:17

IrishSelkie · 08/04/2026 08:59

It’s kind of hard to overlook the fact that his step siblings of the same age as him and 2 years older are being given the royal treatment while he is being treated like Cinderella.

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How are my DC being given the royal treatment in comparison? Because they attended the pre planned event which DSS was also invited too and aware of? If my DS15 is out with his friends and dinner is something I can not keep he also knows to make something and there is always something on the house for them.
making food at 13 is not child abuse and actually my DH is capable of doing this and I was annoyed at him for asking me if I was doing it not my DSS

OP posts:

IrishSelkie · 08/04/2026 08:59

BernardButlersBra · 08/04/2026 08:06

Well, obviously! Any hint of not anticipating and tending to his EVERY whim is her being selfish, lazy, abusive and neglectful. Back in the real world he can easily make himself some food. He’s 13, not 3

I also struggle to take the post about OP being complicit etc in anyway seriously

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It’s kind of hard to overlook the fact that his step siblings of the same age as him and 2 years older are being given the royal treatment while he is being treated like Cinderella.

IrishSelkie · 08/04/2026 08:58

99bottlesofkombucha · 07/04/2026 22:43

Refusing him dinner…. Are you serious? I have 3 dc. A night where I say to me perfectly capable dh with 2 working hands and the same kitchen as me that I’m not cooking is not starving and neglecting our dc, it’s telling dad this one’s on him. And on those nights he cooks, because he’s their dad?? What do you think the ops dh is, a cardboard cutout?

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OP and her DH both refused him dinner. They are both responsible to feed this 13yo child. The DH is a lazy fucker, but why should that mean the child goes hungry because OP and her DH are having a battle of wills?

BernardButlersBra · 08/04/2026 08:06

ChiliFiend · 08/04/2026 00:23

Refusing him dinner?! Is she a restaurant?

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Well, obviously! Any hint of not anticipating and tending to his EVERY whim is her being selfish, lazy, abusive and neglectful. Back in the real world he can easily make himself some food. He’s 13, not 3

I also struggle to take the post about OP being complicit etc in anyway seriously

Vivi0 · 08/04/2026 01:10

IrishSelkie · 07/04/2026 22:31

He isn’t obligated to tolerate the OP being complicit in him bring kicked out of his the primary home he’d known since he was 4 two years ago and then actively maltreating him by refusing him dinner because he chose not to go to a family event that would have made him feel even more unwelcome.

He is not an adult, he is 13.

The OP has done nothing for the past two years but show him contempt and so his going low contact to her is the natural consequences of her behaviour towards him.

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I can’t take you seriously with this post. Utterly ridiculous.

ChiliFiend · 08/04/2026 00:23

IrishSelkie · 07/04/2026 22:31

He isn’t obligated to tolerate the OP being complicit in him bring kicked out of his the primary home he’d known since he was 4 two years ago and then actively maltreating him by refusing him dinner because he chose not to go to a family event that would have made him feel even more unwelcome.

He is not an adult, he is 13.

The OP has done nothing for the past two years but show him contempt and so his going low contact to her is the natural consequences of her behaviour towards him.

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Refusing him dinner?! Is she a restaurant?

Calliopespa · 07/04/2026 23:38

ThatMauveMaker · 07/04/2026 22:41

My step son is very much one word answers and does not always make an effort to partake with the family at times either. But, as the adult in the situation, I make the effort to try and include him and have a relationship with him on his terms. If he is at home with you his week he should be included in plans. This sounds very much like a 2 sided family and not well intergrated. Husband should be telling you, and you should be checking with him before booking events, whether your step son will be present. If he is, he should be out with you too. This is a child at the end of the day...immature, not fully formed with sensibility. If he has felt aggrieved with you in anyway previously, then he will withdraw. It sounds like he hasn't communicated any grievances to you but it's clear he dislikes you over something, so find out what it is and heal it over. You need to work it out with step son and start acting like one family unit instead of two halves. There are outings and events my step son isn't interested in, but I'd never not extend the invite...but you've gone ahead and booked activities with your children without considering him at all...and to me...that speaks volumes about and your family dynamic. Therein lies your problem. Of course that would hurt him! This is a YOU problem, not a step son problem.

Wisely said.

99bottlesofkombucha · 07/04/2026 22:43

IrishSelkie · 07/04/2026 22:31

He isn’t obligated to tolerate the OP being complicit in him bring kicked out of his the primary home he’d known since he was 4 two years ago and then actively maltreating him by refusing him dinner because he chose not to go to a family event that would have made him feel even more unwelcome.

He is not an adult, he is 13.

The OP has done nothing for the past two years but show him contempt and so his going low contact to her is the natural consequences of her behaviour towards him.

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Refusing him dinner…. Are you serious? I have 3 dc. A night where I say to me perfectly capable dh with 2 working hands and the same kitchen as me that I’m not cooking is not starving and neglecting our dc, it’s telling dad this one’s on him. And on those nights he cooks, because he’s their dad?? What do you think the ops dh is, a cardboard cutout?

ThatMauveMaker · 07/04/2026 22:41

My step son is very much one word answers and does not always make an effort to partake with the family at times either. But, as the adult in the situation, I make the effort to try and include him and have a relationship with him on his terms. If he is at home with you his week he should be included in plans. This sounds very much like a 2 sided family and not well intergrated. Husband should be telling you, and you should be checking with him before booking events, whether your step son will be present. If he is, he should be out with you too. This is a child at the end of the day...immature, not fully formed with sensibility. If he has felt aggrieved with you in anyway previously, then he will withdraw. It sounds like he hasn't communicated any grievances to you but it's clear he dislikes you over something, so find out what it is and heal it over. You need to work it out with step son and start acting like one family unit instead of two halves. There are outings and events my step son isn't interested in, but I'd never not extend the invite...but you've gone ahead and booked activities with your children without considering him at all...and to me...that speaks volumes about and your family dynamic. Therein lies your problem. Of course that would hurt him! This is a YOU problem, not a step son problem.

IrishSelkie · 07/04/2026 22:31

Vivi0 · 06/04/2026 22:58

How is the OP being abusive to her step son? And what am I cheering on, exactly?

Look, ignoring the existence of an adult for 2 years is not “very common, mild teenage behaviour”, and the natural consequences of doing that will be that that adult will eventually drop the rope.

It certainly doesn’t sound like the stepson is being punished. He absolutely should have been though, and well before now. It’s astounding to me that this has been allowed to go on for so long.

The OP refusing to cook for her stepson, and refusing to be responsible for him in his father’s absence isn’t the stepson being punished, but just the natural consequences of his behaviour towards the OP.

Ultimately, the OP isn’t her stepson’s parent, and she isn’t obligated to tolerate such disrespect from him. She has put up with it for 2 years, which is 2 years too long. I’m really glad she has now put her foot down.

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He isn’t obligated to tolerate the OP being complicit in him bring kicked out of his the primary home he’d known since he was 4 two years ago and then actively maltreating him by refusing him dinner because he chose not to go to a family event that would have made him feel even more unwelcome.

He is not an adult, he is 13.

The OP has done nothing for the past two years but show him contempt and so his going low contact to her is the natural consequences of her behaviour towards him.

Laura95167 · 07/04/2026 19:56

Full DH problem

Its his job to facilitate the relationship between you and DSS

Its his job to be around for DSS care

If hes agreed to leave DSS home its his job to ensure hes fed

Honestly DSS sounds lonely and sad and I doubt being left behind he will have probably reinforced why the 5 of you arent a family

NBU to not cook in that scenario but you YABU to not recognise the actual problem

MeridianB · 07/04/2026 18:35

I just want basic manners so if ask a question like ‘do you want mash’ I get an answer no a stare and response when my husband repeats the same question

I’d lose respect For DH so fast if he normalised this. It’s utterly unacceptable. Will be interesting to see whether he plans to address this when you talk. Or just opt for an easy life of not bothering to parent.

Calliopespa · 07/04/2026 16:01

Bookworm847 · 07/04/2026 10:27

I have tried more times than I can count to discuss this with his son and all I get was shrugged shoulders, grunts and no real answers. My husband has been part of this and also had countless conversations with his son away from me and the home where he reported he got the exact same mostly and that his son said ‘he just isn’t chatty’ and ‘doesn’t like talking’ and nothing changes

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Well unfortunately OP he is your stepson and sometimes you just get what you get in life.

Lots of teens are awkward and the family can't just return to sender.

ETA if you didn't want someone else's child in your house, you shouldn't have moved in with someone who had one.

BudgetBuster · 07/04/2026 14:52

Bookworm847 · 07/04/2026 14:43

Saviour wise it didn’t seem to working and DSS was struggling with rules in different homes- 50/50 doesn’t work for a lot of children and I for one wouldn’t want to be moved around weekly it was discussed with him with mum and dad )I was not involved or present) as I wouldn’t be doing school runs etc due to my work and children and he appeared happy to stay with mum.

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But did 50/50 not work for the 6 years prior?
I'm not in anyway judging you OP... genuinely. I don't think anyone of this is on you and I think you're in a shit situation where your DSS who has been part of your blended family for a long long time, has been rude to you for far too long. I personally wouldn't have stood for it that long... but the issue is 100% with your DH who needed to nip it in the bud 2 years ago.

I know that 50/50 doesn't always work... but it worked for 6 years prior? So what changed? Did the rules change in your house? We're there not discussions about what days DSS might be better suited to go to Dads? How was it really decided that it would be dropped so dramatically to just 4 days a month? Can your DH not even take him out for dinner or to the cinema or something midweek (prior to the job change which came after).

I'm just saying this because whilst yeah maybe I wouldn't want to swap houses every week, but now he's swapping houses and probably doesn't even feel at home or wamted because his Dad didn't fight for him. And you're getting the brunt of it because you are the person primarily running the household.

Original poster

Bookworm847 · 07/04/2026 14:43

BudgetBuster · 07/04/2026 14:24

Yes, I read where you said the original choice / suggestion was DSS Mothers.

My query was why your DH didn't fight this? To go from having your child 50% of the time to just 14% is a huge decision. And again, adds to your DH lack of parenting.... and evidently hasn't been working out because his son is now miserable. And so are you by the sounds of it.

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Saviour wise it didn’t seem to working and DSS was struggling with rules in different homes- 50/50 doesn’t work for a lot of children and I for one wouldn’t want to be moved around weekly it was discussed with him with mum and dad )I was not involved or present) as I wouldn’t be doing school runs etc due to my work and children and he appeared happy to stay with mum.

OP posts:

BudgetBuster · 07/04/2026 14:24

Bookworm847 · 07/04/2026 14:16

Not at all DSS mum moved further away due to work and then picked a secondary door even further away so in the opposite direction to us which would have meant an hour journey each way. She also felt that 50/50 wasn’t working as DSS felt he never knew where he was and being at ours limited him with friends- we haven’t moved areas since they split

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Yes, I read where you said the original choice / suggestion was DSS Mothers.

My query was why your DH didn't fight this? To go from having your child 50% of the time to just 14% is a huge decision. And again, adds to your DH lack of parenting.... and evidently hasn't been working out because his son is now miserable. And so are you by the sounds of it.

Original poster

Bookworm847 · 07/04/2026 14:16

BudgetBuster · 07/04/2026 13:19

Was this a catalyst in your DH not fighting to maintain 50/50 access? Did he think he could change jobs easier fi he had his son less?

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Not at all DSS mum moved further away due to work and then picked a secondary door even further away so in the opposite direction to us which would have meant an hour journey each way. She also felt that 50/50 wasn’t working as DSS felt he never knew where he was and being at ours limited him with friends- we haven’t moved areas since they split

OP posts:

BudgetBuster · 07/04/2026 13:19

Bookworm847 · 07/04/2026 13:12

No he didn’t that started about 4 months after DSS moved to EOW

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Was this a catalyst in your DH not fighting to maintain 50/50 access? Did he think he could change jobs easier fi he had his son less?

Original poster

Bookworm847 · 07/04/2026 13:12

Boundariestime · 07/04/2026 12:52

Did his father work away in the week when you were 50/50?

No he didn’t that started about 4 months after DSS moved to EOW

OP posts: