My DH is just a bit of a Neanderthal and it’s frustrating or am I the one who’s in the wrong ?

Or dysgraphia.

@dhandhisviews if the wait for an ADHD diagnosis is 2 years then (unless you were planning on paying for it and getting one done privately more quickly) then please do start the process as at least you'll be ticking down to the 2 year wait and they may have something come up more quickly.

With your DD, if her writing isn't very good could you ask the school if they think it may be possible she has dyspraxia? There is a fairly hefty cross over with dyspraxia and ADHD (I think about 30% have both and often OCD too) and the earlier she is picked up, the more help she can get and the process for extra support during exams can start to be put in motion.

p.s., and yes, your 'D'H is an arse and he clearly is going to start on your daughter as being 'not perfect' too fairly soon 🙁

He’s a pig.

But surely you knew this before you married him?

100% this.

They aren’t for everyone but I have been on antidepressants and they massively helped me. Seek the advice of your doctor.

You don’t have to wait for adhd assessment for 2 years. Tell your GP that you want to go down the “Right to Choose” route. It’s much quicker.

Untreated adhd causes anxiety & depression. You feel “less than” because you are constantly beating yourself up about the things you seemingly can’t do (when everyone else manages to breeze along).

IRO your husband. Well, where to start. He’s controlling you. He’s a classic example of a narcissist. What’s happened in his childhood to make him different to his brother ?

You may have only just started to realise he’s this way because it’s often a slow burn. Very charming at first but slowly chipping away until you are less than zero. I’ll bet you are a kind empath, They go for our type - I’ve been there trust me when I say he will ruin you and your child.

He should have no control over your autonomy and the fact you are being forced to hide that you are taking meds is upsetting.

He is not a Neanderthal he is a controlling, manipulative, narcissistic and dangerous man.

I recommend watching this: https://www.youtube.com/live/4q8buwrMZTI?si=Uq5tYVS-f85Gk939

I haven't RTFT but I assume others have suggested this, I was actually going to ask you about this because of what you mentioned about your daughter. Please start the process ASAP, I know it's disheartening that it takes years, it was 4 years for me between first going and getting meds and I had tried everything else I could think of in the meantime and the ADHD meds are the only thing that helped. There is a pathway called Right to Choose you can normally do which is generally a little faster but it still takes years, there's a facebook group called 'Adult ADHD / Autism Diagnosis - Right to Choose' which I found helpful in navigating the process.

Some neurodivergent people do take SSRIs, I think there are some which are supposed to be better for ADHD, but I have also been told ND people respond very differently to meds so it's more likely without the diagnosis that the meds they're prescribing won't be the right ones for you. I was like you in that I struggled on and off for years with mood and I tried a couple of different SSRIs but they did not help whereas ADHD meds have been life changing.

So?

Why does other women having opinions make you so angry?

So? Bugger off and take your soapbox with you.

So what about this thug appealed to you??

I do think there's a scale of how much navel gazing we all need to do re mental health, Im in the camp of thinking we have got a bit over obsessed with it & need a bit of a return to resilience/sucking it up and getting on with life. Everyone taking SSRIs all the time isn't the answer.

But someone who is ignoring school saying your child needs help & is judgy about someone who isn't that well paid... ew.

@dhandhisviews I suspect you will start to feel ‘better’ because you’ve taken some control regarding your MH. SSRIs can be really useful to get you to a space where you can think clearly to access other support. The right kind of talking therapy could be very valuable. Even though you don’t have a diagnosis of ADHD a therapist with some specialism in neurodiversity could be really helpful. Good luck.

I think they most definitely do think this way some of them just hide it better than others. I prefer the ones that don’t hide it. At least you know what you’ve got to deal with.

Lots of people value men by their earning and asset gathering potential.

OP, your husband sounds really awful. I’m so sorry.

I too think you might be a lot happier without him in your home.

Lots of people also value women by how good looking they are. Like the OP’s husband. I guess an arsehole might also come along with ‘research’ showing that.

They typically have short sentences. Some have been in prison before but werent prescribed SSRIs. It was that prescription that changed their behaviours.

I had great success with St Johns Wort (max strength from boots) and then when I lived somewhere I couldn't get that, 5-HTP. Don't combine those with SSRIs though.

BUT - now I don't take either - I'm on creatine (15mg/day - Lidl/Aldi - I just shot it in water first thing in the morning), got my iron levels up (which were in the pits due to heavy periods), and that seems to have sorted out my energy levels, which in turn have sorted out the anxiety and not wanting to do anything issues I was having.

So if you want to try something other than SSRIs (which have some issues, but also absolutely help some people too) that's what helped me.

These are women who have faced lots of trauma and abuse, as well as having a drug and/or alcohol dependency, and yet they never self harmed until they were on SSRIs. Or found themselves in prison maybe??

Because lots of people share the same views as her husband given lots of evidence that suggests they arent effective.

Walking evidence of SSRIs working. As you say they're not issue free but did they do what it says on the tin and help anxiety? Yes they did.

How is it helpful to come on to a thread where a woman is talking about her mental health and the fact her husband is unsupportive of her to the point she's taking medication secretly, and start banging on about why you personally 'aren't for' SSRIs? What the fuck is wrong with some people?

OP I'm sorry your husband is being so unsupportive. You sound incredibly unhappy. I hope your medication helps and you can focus on your daughter and your own direction with a clear head.

I was recently offered antidepressants for my health anxiety. I put them off until after breastfeeding but my husband would have supported me. I have been pushing for my ds to be put on the AUDHD pathway (you're right, schools don't say these things without good reason). Husband supported us.
Your husband's problem isn't his weird regressive rules, it's that he's so domineering and controlling that his wife has to hide from him the fact that she got medication for her own body.
He's terrible.

You might as well go on the waiting list unless you’re planning to go private. Those two years will pass anyway, but at least you’ll get an assessment at the end if you get referred now. I don’t think waiting lists will get much shorter anytime soon

Why are you repeating this over and over? SSRIs are not issue-free but a large and very rigorous Cochrane Review found SSRIs do work for moderate to severe depression and anxiety.

He is really just horrible. Most men are not like that. I couldn’t spend my life with someone like that.

@dhandhisviews

Just a few things which I have found over the years, which may help you to understand yourself or perhaps find a way of helping yourself- obviously they may not apply but in case they are useful.

I was terribly depressed and anxious when I was with my daughter’s dad. Basically because he was horrible to me and I couldn’t do anything right. He also gaslit and lied to me so I lost all sense of what was real. Leaving was very hard but I got better almost at once (incrementally and some habits have stayed, but he was really making me ill and my recovery started when I left).

I have always struggled with my mental health and have seen a lot of therapists. CBT was useless for me, but one therapist told me that it isn’t designed to challenge your core beliefs, so for someone like me it didn’t help. What I found really useful was parts work, internal family systems/IFS. And compassionate inquiry, which is a mode of therapy developed by Gabor Maté.

I have also recently begun expressing my mental discomfort in my physical body- struggling for months with increasingly debilitating back pain, which began to resolve after I submitted the final piece of work for a qualification I was working towards. After I learned I’d passed, the recovery sped up dramatically and now I’m almost fine- six months ago I really thought I might have some sort of rheumatoid arthritis. I might wonder about your back pain and your home life (and redundancy).

I recently learned things which make me think I’m not a depressive or ADHD, but that I have a form of CPTSD which may be developmental trauma. Linked to my babyhood and childhood, reinforced during my adolescence, and then in all my relationships as an adult up to the age of about 37. It can present very similarly to ADHD and for me, it mapped exactly the way I’ve always been, answering all the “oh but this” parts where other conditions didn’t quite apply to me.

Finally, if you have a holistic situation in your life, as you do- stress around mental and physical health, work, love, family- you may benefit from seeing a holistic practitioner. I can say more if you would like, just send me a DM, but a lot of stuff can be worked through by considering you as a whole person rather than a collection of disparate symptoms.