I am having a really difficult time parenting with my DH and could use some outside perspective.
I feel like he undermines me a lot and we just aren't on the same page about a lot of things. Some examples:
• I try to teach DS good manners such as table manners, DH will sit on his phone, doesn't care about us all eating together, leaves all the dishes on the table afterwards despite me trying to teach DS some responsibility to tidy up after yourself
•He tends to act more as a friend than a parent a lot of the time. He can't be bothered with the arguing over getting dressed or whatever it is so just let's things go. I feel our DS is starting to get more difficult and it's just not helpful to let him call all the shots.
•Constantly asks DS if he wants mum or dad to do certain things, let's him choose things that you children should not be choosing, asks him who's car we are going in for the day even if we have already chosen between based on petrol or whatever it is. He will have a tantrum if it's not his choice and DH goes along with it to appease the tantrum.
•he has made comments before when I've had to tell DS off that mum is grumpy, or roll his eyes or mock the way I've told him off. It makes me feel really embarrassed and that I'm always the bad guy.
•he repeatedly tells DS not to go to mum for a cuddle, help, to play, whatever it is. Last night I was enjoying a cuddle before bed and he tells him to sit on the couch instead, which DS did, then proceeded to lift him into his own lap instead. I'm aware this sounds so petty but experiencing it repeatedly is horrible and I don't understand it. I've asked him about it before and he said it's to give me a break which on the surface sounds nice but I've asked him to stop as I'm enjoying spending time with my son but he still does it. Even things like playing a nice game, he will come into the room all singing all dancing to get him to do a different game, or say what I'm doing is boring. Whatever I do or say with DS he has to be louder and more exciting.
•Easter Sunday DS wasn't allowed to get his eggs because DH was working. I get that he doesn't want to miss out on things but he's putting his own feelings above DS. DS couldn't understand why he wasn't allowed them until today. Other times he has been working he makes such a big fuss if I take DS somewhere for the day because he wants to be there too. Does he want us to stay home bored?
• he doesn't really back me up around his parents, and will let them do things we've both previously agreed we aren't happy with just to avoid confrontation. He would rather I was unhappy with something that upset his mum, and tells me to sort it with his mum myself if I have a problem
I will also say that I think DH is hugely insecure for reasons I'm not sure of,.and I do think this could be why he behaves like this. He seems worried that DS won't like him, he wants to be his best buddy, and will do everything possible to make him happy at all times even when sometimes you need to be the parent. I feel like the atmosphere in the house is so high energy, like there's a frantic desperation around DS liking him. Simple things like me saying to DS I love you, you're such a clever boy - DH will literally talk straight after me saying the exact same thing but more gushy, eg dad loves you too you know, come and see dad, dad loves you, I'm so proud, etc. It's actually quite weird and sounds so unnatural. When DS is away to bed DH seems to massively calm down and almost back to normal.
I hate writing all this out because I think I sound really horrible. It used to make me really annoyed but I just feel so sad recently. I dont think DS is getting a good upbringing at times. DH is raising a best friend instead of a responsible adult. I've given up on a lot of things that matter to me because what is the point? Also, I've had a lot of therapy when DS was born to address anxiety so I'm fairly sure that I'm being objective around all of this and work very hard not to let any anxiety affect how I'm feeling.