AIBU to expect an apology after my friend crossed boundaries with my husband?

OP, you are shooting at the wrong target here.

This women isn't special, she's a nobody who was just available.

The problem is the man who you are living with. You need to have a serious talk with him and ask him why he didn't mention these 'problems' to you so they could be addressed. (I suspect they are fictitious BTW)

What is he going to do to rebuild your trust ?

Most of all, has he apologised and shown remorse?

If not, I can't see a way forward for you - I'm sorry x

What would an apology actually give you? You are never going to be friends again. You are invested in your marriage so want to believe your DH's version of events, which paints her as the predator. There are reasons why you might not want to end your marriage but this friendship belongs in the past.

Or so he says .... or has he stored only those emails that show him in the better light?

You seem to be focusing on what your friend has said and done and not your husband’s part in this. I think I’d want to know what dissatisfaction he had with your marriage and why he chose to discuss it with her and not you. That is quite humiliating and a breach of your privacy as a married couple and would really piss me off. Saving her messages because he was worried about her sounds a poor excuse. Would he have told you if you hadn’t found the messages ? I don’t think he’s blameless here. I think it’s unlikely she will apologise, she was attracted to your husband and he to her by the sounds of it. Is your husband going to apologise to her husband ? If there’s been no contact from her maybe that’s a good thing, phase her out and focus on repairing your own marriage.

I know how you feel.

Happened to me. It's been 10 years and it still hurts. I haven't spoken to her since. She never apologised. My marriage has recovered but it's had a lasting impact on me.

I really feel for you.

I'm a year on from this and I'm only about getting over it. Sorry ❤️‍🩹

I'm still with him because in the cold light of day he's a lot more entertaining and attractive than the alternatives and than being single. But I wouldn't trust him as far as I can throw him and I can't see myself nursing him through dementia etc in 30 years. Or only to save DS from doing it.

I have been desperate for closure but I don't even know what it would look like. Her and a reasonably attractive man is like my cats and wriggly pink fingers. The cats love me with all their tiny hearts but I'd still get my fingers savaged if I waved them in their faces. Due to some very sad experiences in her past OWs primal instinct is to reel men in and keep them in reserve. Fuck all I can do about it. That's the closest I've got.

I'm reading a DBT workbook that's helping a bit. It's about recognising that some things are shit but it serves you better to accept them and move on, without betraying yourself and saying they were ok.

'Closure' is overrated. If you even get what you were hoping for, it rarely closes anything. The shit has happened in real life, the relationships are damaged, the emotions are all over the place. Closure comes from taking the lessons on board, rebuilding boundaries and repairing what is worth the effort.

In a case like yours, a sincere apology could help if what she'd done was over-enthusiastic flirting while steaming drunk one day. Not a sustained effort like this, which really amounts to an emotional affair. She betrayed you horrifically. You cannot come back from this. If you feel like you want to be friends again with her, you might need to do some therapy to sort out a co-dependency issue.

I'm hoping it's simply that your head's taking a while to catch up with the changed situation. Simultaneously, you'll probably find you haven't forgiven DH quite as much as you thought - you shouldn't forgive him too easily, as he too engaged in the emotional affair instead of telling her to get lost and warning you.

Wishing you good support while you work through this.

Well clearly you can't be friends with her again after this anyway, so what difference does it make whether she apologises or not?

Oh quel surprise she threatened self-harm. You’ve now truly seen your ex friend for who she is & also more importantly your DH. The way you recount how she got mad when he cooled things & kept messaging him etc does sound like the account he’s told you. ie I tried to stop but she kept trying to carry it on. She’s the one to blame not me. Don’t be swayed. And try to divert your hurt from being betrayed by your friend (not good so you’re totally justified) to being betrayed by your DH. Sorry OP. It must feel doubly bad. But trust has been broken. Good luck.

What’s the bit about trusting your husband 100 percent? To what? Not tell the full details..?
I think your husband might be effectively fooling you here OP - it seems like a bit more than some personal messages.
And what’s he dissatisfied with in your marriage? The first rule of cheat club is say you have marriage problems…

She was having an emotional affair with your husband. She's not going to apologize because she's not sorry, she's just upset it came out what she was doing. She's not a friend nor is she trustworthy and the same goes for your husband.

Closure here is a myth. The fallout of this EA is ongoing and there is no clean resolution in sight. There is nothing either of them can say that will take away the hurt of them putting some ego stroking over their marriages.

This!

What's the point of an apology? If she really cared about you she wouldn't be trying to chat up your husband (with some determination it seems!).

I doubt you’ll get anything from her and frankly, in your shoes I wouldn’t want anything to do with her. Start afresh with DH if he’s apologised and you’re working through it but you can choose to have nothing more to do with her. It’s natural to have that response to the OW however illogical that may seem.

Maybe she isn't sorry?

I wouldn’t want her apology I’d want nothing more to do with her.

Have you considered that she's not apologised because she not actually sorry?

If I were you I would not waste any more of your time or energy thinking about her and concentrate on your marriage. I would imagine that it's going to take a lot of time and energy for your husband to try and earn your trust again after his shitty behaviour.

You found out, he didn’t tell you. That’s an issue in itself. I’d focus on that more than this former friend. Your marriage needs to heal, if this is what you both want. She isn’t important.

I suspect she would only apologise in the hopes this would somehow plaster over the mess and re-engage with you and reinstate the former friendship. Bonkers I know, but she could well be missing you as a friend, her ‘happy happy’ posts on social could well be a nonsense.

Try and erase, she’s not worthy of your thoughts, you’ve seen her character, much easier said than done I know, but please don’t give her more time, headspace call it what you will, she’s taken way too much as it is.

Yes, you go ahead and focus on the friend, after all she is the main problem here 🙄

An apology from her would mean nothing. She's not a friend, she doesn't care about you. She's overstepped with your husband (and no, you're right, he was in the wrong too), she then turned herself into a victim. She's not faced what she's done, she doesn't even think she's really done that much wrong imo and I think would've carried on if not been stopped. So an apology from her is empty, even if you got one. I don't think it would give you the closure you are after.

Honestly, just let her go. She's turned out to be a massive disappointment but you can't change that, just the way you react to her. See if you can sort out your marriage (if you want that) but most of all, look after you. You must be spinning out from it all and I hope you will be ok.

It's easier to focus on the ex friends behaviour, and lack of closure, than on the devastating betrayal of your husband. I hate to be this person, but my ex cheated on me and saved all the exchanges to a folder. Not to help him explain himself later, but truly for the memories and an ego boost to read when he felt down. The fact your DH did this rings alarm bells for me purely because it happened to me to. Maybe he did shut down further comms, but it meant enough to him to want to save the 'love letters' as it were.

Cut the idea of an apology from the friend loose. No closure will come there. She ended the friendship. She doesn't feel sorry, only self-pitying. You will not get what you want from her.

Good for you, but OP clearly does want an apology. And it is not “dumb” AT ALL to want people who have hurt you, who were supposed to care about you, to apologise. That’s not “dumb” it’s hoping for basic human decency. Will op get it? Probably not, she is judging this woman by her own standards, when this woman clearly has none.

You don’t need an apology.
you’ve had a situation in your life that you’re struggling to cope with and you’re putting all your energy and focus on an apparent apology that you think you need to move on.
say you get the apology?? Does it change your situation?. No I don’t think so. Does it make your situation go away?. No. Does it mean your husband and your friend didn’t betray you? Also no.

it’s not needed, it won’t come and it’s a meaningless sentence.

we’re all human, we all make mistakes. We all bleed the same. You don’t need that apology. Focus on fixing your marriage if that’s important to you. That’s more important than a stupid apology from a stupid woman.

wishing you well OP 💐

Why are you working hard on your marriage and not your husband?

Block your ex friend on all channels you should have done that immediately.

Then think about whether you can ever truly trust your husband again. I couldn’t.

She's not your friend.
I'm surprised he's still your husband