AIBU to expect an apology after my friend crossed boundaries with my husband?

@FastPearlTiger , if she were to apologise, would you accept her apology? If not, what's the point of hoping for it? I'm still not sure what you expect to get from it but I am sure that, when something like this happens, it won't be closure because there is no such thing. How can there be?

Oh OP, I am sorry you are having to go through this. I went through similar, really good friends with another couple in the village, I confided in her about the state of my marriage, son’s were best friends at school and we were in and out of each others houses. Provided childcare for each other etc. I was devastated when I found out they had got together one evening after her hubby had taken the kids home to bed earlier, the three of us had remained at ours and then my hubby offered to walk her home whilst I put our kids to bed.
She did apologise, I never spoke to her again, it made no difference, my heart was broken that she would betray me like that.
We moved away to try and repair our marriage, small village, everyone would know if I stopped talking to her. Inevitably our marriage fell apart several years later, many other issues, but the betrayal from both my exH and my friend, has broken me. 😞
my advice would be to leave him now, take your self esteem, teach your children that no one should put up with this and when you are ready find your person who will treat you with the respect you deserve. Take care

She didn't care, she enjoyed it and she's not sorry. Same for your husband, by the way.

But she isn't the OPs friend really... a friend wouldnt do that... even if she apologised, it wouldn't be a real apology. "Sorry I got caught trying to have an affair with your husband who also seemed up for it til.he got caught" just doesn't sound sincere

Of course the betrayal by the friend hurts, but the closure the OP needs is to know that she was never a friend in the first place and she's lucky to be rid of her. But insinuating that the husband is less to blame because he has a dick is ridiculous.... he made vows to his wife. I don't give a crap about what his genitalia comprises of.

Did you see all of the messages? You say your husband tried to disengage but she continued to push boundaries, did you come to this conclusion because you read all of their messages or is this how your husband explained the situation? Your husband has already crossed boundaries, don’t believe he wouldn’t lie and try to push the blame onto your friend and make it sound like she was instigating and he was the one trying to resist. The reality might be very different.

She is not your friend.

As a person whose best friend had an affair with my husband I can tell you that the betrayal by the friend (who I loved dearly, confided in and trusted and had some great times with) was as hard, if not harder than the betrayal by my husband. Her betrayal is what has made me unable to trust anyone again, rather than his. I can see he was being led by his dick and his ego as lots of men are and yes that was truly awful. But it takes a big leap to actively betray a good friend like that.
So I can see why you feel you need closure from her OP.
I never got it in my case. We had one conversation during which she was weirdly quite aggressive. There was never an apology. And it really did ruin my life for a few years.

Honestly, if you need to ask for an apology, then it’s not worth anything.

👏🏻 absolutely spot on.
That friendship is over.
Run and don’t look back.
She’s not your friend.
Is your marriage over too ?
Focus on that.
Is it worth staying ?

I have voted YABU but only because it's a waste of your energy, not because you haven't been wronged.

He’s the one you are married to. It seems to be like deflection in dealing with your husband. Of course he’s apologised & is “making amends”, they all do!!

As for her maybe she’s sorry, maybe she isn’t but she is no longer a friend. You don’t need “closure”. It’s akin to someone dropping dead of a heart attack, you deal with the shock you don’t look for closure.

Unfortunately life doesn't tend to wrap incidents up with a neat conclusion. Closure is a nice idea but it's rare that we actually get it. We find closure within ourselves.

Your pal there is a loose cannon. She'll be mortified, dejected, scared as hell...and she deserves to be, but she's not about to apologise. Instead, she tried to control the outcome and narrative by threatening self harm. Not very dignified or decent of her.
She lacks integrity so an apology would be meaningless anyway.
That's your closure as far as she is concerned.

Agreed. Your ex-friend is obviously a bit bonkers and really not worth your head-space or emotional energy. She's not worth it.

But what you need your DH to think about is how he sleep-walked (slept-walked?) into a flirtation.

Men can be really harmfully clueless about this sort of emotional infidelity. They don't realise what's at stake, and your DH needs to be an adult about this. He needs to realise the impact of this behaviour, even if he doesn't think he's done anything wrong (which I imagine is his position).

He needs to take responsibility - and that's a challenge for many men.

Good luck!

They’re both as bad as each other!
As soon as your friend sent your husband a message and he replied he’s as bad as her.
Id be ditching them both

The disrespect is the closure.

This is good advice. I wouldn’t want an apology from her - unless she has some kind of genuine excuse like she had some sort of psychotic break or something but that’s unlikely isn’t it. Much more likely she’s just a selfish person who never really cared about you in the first place. I’d never want to see her again

I agree that an apology from her wouldn't mean much, especially if she's likely to try manipulative strategies to gain your sympathy. 'Closure' might be more easily gained by telling her you won't be continuing the friendship and then blocking your contacts with her. It will be hurtful as you saw her as a close friend, but perhaps not as messy as waiting for some kind of acknowledgement from her that'll never come.

Has your H apologised to her H though or is he just focusing on you? If so, then they are both doing the same. They are both aware that they have screwed up their marriages over something that obviously didn’t matter too much to them so why do it and are trying to do damage limitation where they can. She can’t apologise to you because there is no good explanation she can give. She’s a shitty friend. Let her go.

Why are you making this all about you?

Her apology is least of your worries OP. It would be hollow and meaningless at best as she clearly did not GAF about you or her DH when she was getting her kicks messaging your other half. That tells you all you need to know. Cut her off completely. No engagement. No tracking her social media. Make sure your DH does the same. He’s the one you are owed an apology from and who should be making it up to you.

So he told you everything because he got caught?

She's not a friend.

Why are you working so hard on your marriage?

I mean, he’s the one who fucked up massively.

What’s he doing?

The ow is an irrelevance here, friend or not. If it wasn’t her, it would have been someone else. She’s just flagged up what a weak, cock-led little creep your h is.

Dump.

She's not going to apologise as she's clearly not sorry. She's still pursuing your husband. She's only sorry that you found out what was going on between them