To be annoyed DP has been at golf all day and out drinking and still isn't home.

At 9pm I said YABU but at 1 am YANBU !

In future I would ask him to be more specific than ‘ not late ‘ . Many people would say home by 11 is not a late one. You can make plans yourself that way.

Clearly he was rat arsed which is why he didn’t tell you what he was doing .

Serious words to be had. How often does this kind of thing happen ?

Absolutely.

@lilybit2025 shouldn't be stuck at home nursing her partner through his hangover tomorrow.

Don’t marry him, especially if you are planning to have kids, it will only get worse. It’s fine as a one off but not a regular occurrence.

when you’ve been married twenty years you’ll be happy when he stays out.

He was really stupid pissing outside and climbing on the roof.

But I don't think him staying out til one with his friends on a bank holiday weekend is that bad, I've been out with friends before and times got away from me when we're talking and having a laugh.

What were the plans you had tomorrow? I know you said it would be a write off, which is so annoying.
I think you have to decide if you want to carry on worrying if every time he goes out with his friends, he'll either not come home or be in this state. I
does he just fall asleep at his friends houses of he doesn't come back? What time does he get in the next day? and does he let you know he's staying out overnight?

I don't think OP's partner does that from her posts. Does your partner do this? I know a lot of blokes that do this after work, maybe not four hours a night but they go daily and probably have at least four pints a night.

A 30 year old coming home wasted or not at all is a huge flapping red flag!

Ask DP to be more specific before he goes out.

Ask for an estimated time he will be home.

You deserve to be able to go out with friends, go shopping or invite family over while he is away so certainty is a decent level of respectful communication to expect.

If you find that your social lives never collide anymore - reconsider marrying the drunkard.
He clearly has an alcohol problem. It influences his time more so than he lets his major relationship influence him!

So he’s a 30 year old who’s had a full day and evening out with friends once over the bank holiday weekend?

If you can’t do that at 30 without kids then when can you?!!

Why are you not doing that? Don’t you also have hobbies or friends to do stuff with?

My mum still has this problem… this isn’t going to change

Sounds like he had a great day out😁
I would have organised my own - I don't understand the angst

What if he went out to the pub almost every afternoon but for a couple of hours for a “few pints” with friends (usually 3-4 hours) - is that considered too much? Is that an alcoholic? Any thoughts?

This man is not husband material. And no child deserves to have that for a father. Don’t choose him for your children’s father.

I think it’s totally reasonable for either partner to have a day out with friends over the holiday weekend
I would have made lots of plans of my own
Over drinking not so good and staying out all night a definite no

*false expectations

My exh used to do this. But we were early twenties at the time, child and care free. He grew out of it when we had the kids. At 30 I’d assume a bit more maturity-if he tells you he’ll be home at a certain time then I’d be cross if he wasn’t. It’s not the day out thats the issue , it’s the setting of sake expectations.

And also so drunk he couldn't get his key in the lock.

OP, alcoholism is a very serious threat to any marriage. When my friend was engaged, her guy was so drunk he pissed up a wall in their house. It never got better and, today, twenty years on, he still can't stop drinking even after having pancreatic cancer. And he has been in trouble with the law over his drinking, too.

If someone drinks to the extent they're trying to get in through the conservatory roof, the only thing to do is give up alcohol entirely and forever. Alcoholics cannot have just one. The only way is to forsake it for good. Many only do so after they have lost everything.

If there's one rule of life that should be included in the Rules for Life for Young Women, it should be never to marry or have babies with a man who likes his drink.

It would be painful to split up, because I'm sure there is much to recommend him and your relationship. My abusive marriage still had good parts, as did he. But a drink problem threatens everything.

He may swear to give it up, and he may do so, for some time. But as soon as you're truly trapped, i.e. married and with a couple of young kids and not working, he will do it again. Even if he has great intentions, there are no guarantees when you marry someone with an alcohol problem.

Seriously, do yourself a favour and don't marry or have kids with a man who struggles with the old demon drink. It has strong potential to destroy you, him, your marriage, and tear apart any family you might have.

I’m 30.

Going out for a few drinks is normal. Going out and always (as the OP describes) “turning it into a session” and “not coming home at all” is only normal for raging coke heads.

It's the drinking and being hungover tomorrow when you've planned a day together that would bother me. If you spent all day yesterday together and are spending all day tomorrow together, it seems unreasonable to bemoan him spending time doing something independent today, even if it goes later than he'd anticipated. Unless you'd had proper plans for the evening, being in a relationship shouldn't mean a lack of flexibility or inability to do something spontaneous with others. But I'm guessing this wouldn't have bothered you if he'd decided to go to the cinema at the last minute. iIts the getting bladdered. If your experience is that he can't control his drinking when he's out and can't pull himself together the next day when he has arranged to do something, to me that got kind of unattractive after the age of about 24.

The climbing on the conservatory roof is also the sort of thing he should have long grown out of.

Is the drinking often a problem?

More fool you if you marry him.

Jesus, this man will not make a suitable husband. Seriously reconsider your engagement and future with this man.

I was almost going to disagree with you because it's seemed a clichéd response but actually I slightly agree. The wedding day isn't the hard stop, the conservation about shared values is. Just because someone gets married doesn't change it, but I've have many raver friends who are stopped or at least tapered off because they have sat down with their partners and have both decided what they want out of life.

The problem with this thread is that people haven't got their head round the fact that generations change and in most of the non mumsnet world 30 is not settling down it is still partying etc but people do change ad they go further into the decade

Don't marry him. Part ways and consider it a lucky escape.

if they haven’t stopped the partying before the wedding, they don’t magically grow up on the wedding day.

I learned that lesson the hard way. Sadly, I know many women who learned the same lesson because the divorce rate in my XH’s friend group was close to 100%.

Thats very normal behaviour for a 30 year old..as for the o.p's update...well milage may vary

Uff do you really want to marry, let alone have a family with, this?