To be annoyed DP has been at golf all day and out drinking and still isn't home.

I agree, I had an ex who behaved like this. He was 35, I was 26, and even at that age I knew it was not normal behaviour for someone in their 30s. He had a good job, house (with a conservatory!) and even played golf 😂 but behaved like a teenager/alcoholic when drinking. I broke up with him, it took him 10 years to become mature enough to settle down and have kids. His lack of self control when drinking really gave me the ick even in my mid 20s

I think you need to have a heart to heart with him to make him realise that whilst this type of behaviour was do-able in his 20s is it’s not ok for father material. What kind of relationship did his parents model? Was his dad just allowed to go off and do whatever he wanted and his mum left to pick up the pieces/be the responsible one? That can be draining. You need to be a team. Do you have the same sense of fun/enjoying doing the same things? I’d say that’s an enjoyable/important thing for a happy marriage- to enjoy hanging out together. Things I’d also suggest looking out for; are they helpful around the house and have a sense of fairness (ie you won’t be expected to do all the housework or they’ll only do what’s asked of them- you need someone who can “see” what needs to be done without asking, can they do basic DIY- this saves a lot of things not quite being right around the house which is annoying (personal one that!), do you have the same attitude to money, family values etc). I’m not sure I necessarily agree with PP who have said he’s a coke head- maybe my naivety but he could genuinely just be on a big drinking session. Sounds as if you need to do a pre-marriage course where you discuss your shared values and what married life means for you both/what you want out of it. It’s a different life when you have kids. I don’t think a day bender is too bad in principle but why bother say what time you’re going to be home when you’re not- that’s disrespectful of your time and expectations. Hopefully his drinking will calm down- possibly likely with his friends calming down too & moving on in life but the false deadline home would annoy me more and that needs to be addressed. Good luck OP, there are some red flags for sure, it’s not a hopeless case but I do think you need a proper chat.

For me the original problem would not be that he’s out with friends. But that he said it was breakfast and then it turned into a bender without him telling me, especially when I expected us to be spending time together. It sounds like he can’t really control himself when it comes to alcohol.

But based on the update I would see him as very immature and not husband material. Pissing on the lawn and climbing the conservatory at 30 years old?? No thank you. I wouldn’t want to spend any time worrying about him acting like a caveman/toddler/teenager when drunk. Men like this are a bit of an embarrassment, especially when others are responsibly going home to their wives and kids. I would tell him exactly what I think of his behaviour and ask what he’s going to do to stop it happening again.

Is this the first time he’s done something like this or has he done it before?

The ones who get up early and are back by lunchtime tend to be the ones who actually enjoy the golf and want to play. Too many men people use the time golf takes and its reputation as an excuse to opt out of family life. The quite like the golf, but what they really like is a free pass to go and spend a whole weekend day with the boys.

I think him spending all day with friends as such is a problem. The drinking and behaviour is. I wouldnt want to stay in relationship with such a person.

I’d be pulling the plug on this relationship. He has absolutely no respect for you at all. I have no issue with the golf or the drinks. But he should have texted you to say he’s staying out, and when he messaged to say he’d be back at x time he should have then messaged at that time to say sorry it’s turning it’s a bigger night and he’s staying out.

Congratulations, you are a golf widow. So was my MIL. My DW made it a condition of marrying me that I never took up golf.

He'll never change. They never do.

Selfish twat, first post nails it. You should have gone out too, maybe stayed at a friend's. It's not so much fun for selfish twat men to come home to an empty house and you not sitting there waiting for him.

Golf - holes 1 to 18. 4 to 5 hours

• hole 19. 1 to 8 hours

I hear the term ‘golf widow’ a lot as my family play. It’s something you generally have to accept or do something about. It’s a lifestyle hobby.
Then there are the golf holidays….
Don’t expect it to change if you have children.

Although, I will say that I do know a few who get up really early on a Saturday morning, 18 holes and home for lunch and an afternoon as a family and they behaved like your husband pre kids, but that’s a bit of a gamble to take.

Everyone has their own line in the sand OP but one of my very hard boundaries is that I would never be in a relationship again with someone who gets so messed up that they don’t come home.
I’m a good bit older than you and all of the men who did that to me ended up getting worse

😁

Joking apart, I feel that some posters are struggling with reading comprehension on this thread or haven't read the OP's updates.

It isn't the golf all day followed by a few drinks that is the issue it is:

The thing is, he does have a bit of a track record of these things turning into a full-on session. He’ll either come back completely wasted or sometimes not come back at all. So when he says “a few drinks,” it doesn’t always mean that in reality.

and

I found him climbing on the top of our conservatory trying to get in through a window 20 minutes ago as he couldn't get the keys in the door.

and

He pissed in our front lawn as I caught him on the ring doorbell and climbed on top of our conservatory roof trying to get in through a window.

Anyone who finds this acceptable behaviour in a partner of any age has a very low bar.

Do you mean I am being 'nasty " to the other poster or " nasty" about the OP's DP?

The poster thinks that spending a day drinking to the extent of pissing on the lawn and putting his life in danger trying to get into the house is normal behaviour for a bank holiday. So I think my comment is stating a fact and I don't see what is " nasty" about it.

Drunkeness is " nasty" and has " nasty" consequences both for the person drinking and for the people in their lives that suffer the consequences.

True.

I had an ex boyfriend who once told me he was going for a game of crazy golf with his nephew.

Next thing I know, the two of them are in Vegas doing heroin with hookers. They even robbed a casino.

These things escalate so quickly.

Oh come on. You know as well as I do that it is impossible for a group of men to have a round of golf and a drink in the absence of their other halves without it turning into a sordid brothel-and-cocaine bender. With a bit of drink-driving thrown in too. It is written into their very DNA.

Wha a nasty thing to say

Like a curry?

It's not the going out all day that's the problem, it's getting so wrecked that you think he's going to be fucking your plans off the next day. If he is in fact fine this morning then I take that back.

Exactly. Some of the 'advice' on this thread is crackers, albeit par for the course on MN. 'What?! He's not acting like you're already married with four small children, but is instead making the most of child-free life by having a laugh with his mates once in a while?! The absolute BASTARD. At 30 he should be checking in hourly and at home by 7pm in his armchair with his slippers on. And also praying or something given it's Easter Sunday which seems to be important for some reason. A man who has friends can never be a good husband or father. He obviously doesn't value you. Leave the BASTARD immediately'.

Honsetly, it's a load of fuss over nothing IMO.

It says a lot about you if you think that getting ouf of your head drunk with a bunch of drinking buddies is an acceptable way to spend your Bank Holiday.

Ah see I might be the minority on posts like this but unless there were major red flags elsewhere, this wouldn’t bother me. Things change, if my husband says he’s going to the pub and won’t be late I now laugh. I’m the same, if I go out with the girls it usually lasts way longer than planned. As I said, unless there are other red flags, give him a break! You have spent all weekend together!

edited to add - saw the peeing post. People do need to relax, again, unless he does this all the time then god forbid he got a bit too drunk one evening!!

So of 3 days he's spent 2 with you and told you he was out Sunday for breakfast, golf then a drink with friends, that sounds like a full day to me, I don't know much about golf but I know 18 holes takes ages, add on breakfast, drinks after and I'm assuming another meal at some point and I wouldn't have really expected to see him Sunday. DH and I are off this week with ds, Saturday after next DH has a hobby tournament, he then was planning to do do dinner/drinks with some friends, I suggested he do them on the same day as there is crossover in terms of the people he will be with and tbh office he's out for the day he's out, I'll make other plans. It's fine as adults to have a day to do what you like. I'm going away for a long weekend soon, DH is fine with it and will be around to look after DS. The fact your DP seems to get so inebriated he's urinating publicly and doing dangerous things is the problem.

I wondered that too @BadSkiingMum
Unless he lives fairly near his club and keeps his golf bag there so can use a taxi.
Trying to climb in home via his conservatory because he’s drunk and forgot / lost his keys 😮.

You must mix with a very different crowd to me and many others to think that this is normal behaviour for 30 year olds.

At 30 neither I or my friends were behaving like this.

Like many posters I would have no problem with not spending the day with my partner.

It is the coming back wasted or not coming back at all, pissing in the garden and climbing the conservatory roof because he couldn't get the key in the lock that are the deal breakers.

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect a 30 year old to stop behaving like this.

Meh we both used to be like that back in the day! Now we are responsible adults. If you had kids it would be a different story.