Child wants to move overseas

Would've thought Malay is a better language

I would encourage her to do a Mandarin course! Learning things is never a waste of time, and she will soon find out how difficult it is as a language. The early stages are very challenging for a western person so it might put her off a bit.

And it sounds like a bit of research and a conversation about women's rights might be an idea. If she does end up going, perhaps make sure she's on the implant rather than the pill or whatever.

If the fathers family don't tip off the police at the airport beforehand. In the middle East it's legendary... Happens regularly. Malaysia identical.

She's extremely unlikely to qualify for a work visa.

She can only stay for 90 days on a tourist visa so she won't be doing a gap year there.

That leaves the student visa which would probably be her only route but then what would she do when the course ends and she has to leave her boyfriend?

Yep, as I said she packs up and comes home 🤷‍♀️

The worst that could happen?

See my earlier post. Don't get pregnant out there!!!!!!! Unmarried pregnant in the eyes of the locals is ostracision...shame, and so on.

Father's have all rights by law.

If she gets pregnant out there she needs to come home to England to have the baby. Unmarried mothers have no rights out there... The father and his family entirely decide about the child, where it lives, who brings it up.

A married woman also has v few rights. Same issue. The father and his family decide everything regarding children.

That one-sidedness might he irrelevant now, but it's a massive headache later if the relationship fails. British mothers don't have a leg to stand on, plus culturally, you'll get no help if unmarried... Quite the opposite, the authorities will see any child as malay.

Just warning. The works isn't England and England customs and laws there.

OP, I wonder whether a degree at SOAS with a year abroad would be a suitable option for her.

https://www.soas.ac.uk/study/study-abroad-and-exchange

I should t have said I didn’t come back for 6 yrs, I did come back for visits.

If I was you I'd feel a bit proud that my DD had the spirit and independence to consider living somewhere different. Seems to be doing well at school and has lots of options. Was able to talk through this formative idea with me.

I think if she is going to work there for a year first, I'd be for that!

If they last another year, and she has worked there for a year, if she commits to studying there, she knows what she is in for.

If they break up, she can come home, the experience of working abroad won't have done her harm.

You're not unreasonable to be upset at the thought of her being far away.

I went to a foreign university, went at 18 and didn’t come back for 6 yrs. absolute bloody loved every second of it, I was completely supported by my parents (not financially) and love them more for it. I’d fully support my children if they decided the same. It much easier now too, with social media and keeping in touch.

She can always jump on a flight home.

Last year DD had a boyfriend in her final year of school leading up to her A Levels. On her gap year this year, with the boyfriend away at a university a long way from us she kept saying she was thinking of going to join him there (she would probably have got a place with the grades she had in hand). I thought this was a terrible idea, not least because at that age relationships are volatile and basing a huge decision on one is pretty silly. The university was one that she didn't previously want to go to and the course didn't have the features of the one that was her actual top choice.

Obviously, she thought she was in love and did not take kindly to me pointing out that they might break up and what then? So I backed off and stuck to pointing out the difficult practical aspects if she made that choice and the downsides of a course that wasn't like the one she wanted to do. By January this year they'd broken up and she couldn't stand the sight of him. She has since said 'I'm so glad I didn't decide to go to X university.'

So maybe just back off and see how far she gets. A gap year working abroad would be far from the worst thing she could do before starting university. It seems Malaysia is mostly fairly safe, though there are some parts where British nationals are at risk of kidnapping according to the Foreign Office. However, you can't get a visa to work there without a job offer and an employer willing to sponsor you which might be hard to come by for an 18 year old with no degree who doesn't speak the language. So you may find that if you just let her get on with it the problem will go away!

Ps my friend has lived in hk for nearly 20 years and has an extremely close relationship with her mum in uk they regularly holiday together (helps that friend is a teacher)

I would be focusing on the what ifs?
What if she does a year and wants to comd home? Is the credit for that year transferable?
Can she defer her place here for a year, go to Malaysia as a gap year and see what she thinks?

Good idea. She could ask her current uni to defer their offer and do a gap year there and also apply to Malaysian uni. I think you have to be 19 to get into a tefl course but she might find something or a gap year scheme. She could also train to ve a scuba dive teacher out there

I chose a uni (in uk) for a boyfriend and I regret it a bit (stayed together until 26 but wasn’t all happy).
when making the decision at 17 I tired to be very sensible and visited the campus with the mindset of ‘if we broke up in freshers week could I still be happy here and have my own fun enjoyable life here and fit in’ and I decided yes so I went for it. could she truly say the same?

another point to remind her of is uni holidays are so long! 5 months of the year practically. She could spend all her holidays out there with him if she wanted to. And keep in touch on zoom in the meantime. And do a gap year there after uni and move there properly or get married and bring him back at age 23 if she wanted. I would encourage her to think of it like this - if he’s the right guy he’ll support this.

@Gremlinsmoothie

Have you met her boyfriend, OP?I

How old is he and what does he do as a job?

It sounds like an amazing opportunity for her.

However, best to have a back up plan in case it doesn’t work out.

That is how I would play it.

Are there opportunities via the university here she'd planned/hoped to go to where she could do a year studying/working abroad as part of her degree?

Many also do short term summer placements abroad. That might be a good backup option if there isn't time to sort it out yet now.?

Whatever she chooses, and whether you fund it or not, I'd try not to let your worries run wild, or your fears about her staying their "forever" and that you'd miss her too much.

Ultimately she is an adult and it's better for your relationship in the long term for you to just trust, support and guide her in making her own decisions, encouraging the exploring and taking of opportunities where they present themselves - and knowing you are always a safe place to return to (physically and metaphorically!) if things do go wrong/relationship doesnt work out etc.

She'll learn so much from the whole experience, good bits and bad bits!

I think as mums we will always worry about our kids making the "best" choices and being safe, but that's for us to deal with, not to burden them with being responsible for our emotions, and end up making choices that WE think are right for them rather than letting them find their own way amd build their own judgement and resilience.

I do think, although its reasonable/to be expected that you feel emotional about the distance, missing her and cautious about the practicalities of the change of plans, YABU if you are sharing your worries with her as outlined in your OP.

If she chooses NOT to go because you poo-pooh it/don't agree with it/refuse to fund her studies/ridicule the length of the relationship/minimise her feelings/tell her it's a ridiculous idea/scare monger/tell her she'll be homesick/scoff at her lack of work experience etc. chances are you will create an insurmountable distance between you anyway.

My 18 yo also off to uni this September, which will also include tome abroad, and im simultaneously excited/nervous/worried for them. I know its a big change and its ok to want them to do things safely - just get the balance right xx