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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel sad it’s just us

145 replies

Feelsicktoomuchchocolate · 05/04/2026 14:47

Live abroad and away from family (I want to return home, Dh doesn’t)
I try to make everything nice, did an egg hunt at home and in the garden today, we were at an organised hunt yesterday. Dh is making bbq lunch, but all around us are families with their wider families-grandparents etc having loud, cheerful lunches
Dd constantly asking to go to her friends houses on the road today and me having to say no because they’re having family time.
Feel so envious of all these big families and their plans and sad for Dd
It’s the same at Christmas if we stay here some years

OP posts:
canisquaeso · 05/04/2026 17:23

Friendlygingercat · 05/04/2026 16:57

Big mumti generational family gatherings can sound idealistic. However they are not for everyone. They can be horrendously noisy and filled with squabbling. As someone single and childfree I did what I could to swerve them.

Every time I go with my boyfriend to visit his army of nieces and nephews it just solidifies I’m very happy I only have one child. The chaos 🥀

Original poster
Feelsicktoomuchchocolate · 05/04/2026 17:21

TheFaithfulWeaver · 05/04/2026 16:45

I get you. You're comparing to what you used to have. A 'what might have been.'

My mum killed herself this year - we still had the family celebration, but it felt a bit fake and wrong. I was wistful for our old celebrations in her garden for Easter, like we had always done before. I missed what might have been and what has been. Your situation sounds different but similar in some ways.

I hope you find peace with your life, one way or another. There's no point spending too long on what might have been 💐.

I’m so so sorry 🌷

OP posts:
88expertprocastinator · 05/04/2026 17:18

Feelsicktoomuchchocolate · 05/04/2026 17:09

I didn’t think it would be *Forever, moved when younger and free-er, things change

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I completely understand and sympathize. It’s very hard and I feel an overwhelming desire to be back in the Uk and close to family. We initially moved for a couple of years and are now coming up to 18 years. Luckily the end is in sight and DH will retire in the next 2-3 years and we will be back.

The only thing I’ve found that helps is travelling back home more frequently- not always easy or practical but if you can, it does help!
and no I don’t hate it here, I have lots of friends etc etc but I yearn to be home…. And yes Easter is rubbish when you don’t have family nearby x

Original poster
Feelsicktoomuchchocolate · 05/04/2026 17:18

Cherrytree86 · 05/04/2026 16:33

Why not just get divorced and then you can live where you want? @Feelsicktoomuchchocolate

Not that easy, can’t leave with my Dc

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelsicktoomuchchocolate · 05/04/2026 17:17

Peanutbutterflies · 05/04/2026 16:23

Just want to add im in a very similar position moved abroad 6 years ago and used to do big easter celebrations with all the family...had a very quiet day today with just us and kids ..felt pretty low and similar to you!

So sorry, it’s really hard x

OP posts:
JacknDiane · 05/04/2026 17:17

TheEighthDwarf · 05/04/2026 17:05

It’s not ok to wish away a day when you could be having a lovely time with the family you have made.

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But the op isn't having a lovely day and shes came to mn to express her sadness. That's allowed! She obviously treasures her dd and just misses her birth family. I can't understand why that's being criticised.

Original poster
Feelsicktoomuchchocolate · 05/04/2026 17:16

OneGoldKoala · 05/04/2026 16:18

Nothing useful to add except I completely get it. I had exactly the same thoughts today too.

So sorry xx

OP posts:
canisquaeso · 05/04/2026 17:15

Being an immigrant is always like this, there will always be something missing.

I don’t think any of you is being particularly unreasonable.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 05/04/2026 17:15

Feelsicktoomuchchocolate · 05/04/2026 17:13

Patronising much?

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Suggesting you go back to your family for Easter is patronising? Or disagreeing with you is?

Original poster
Feelsicktoomuchchocolate · 05/04/2026 17:13

ToKittyornottoKitty · 05/04/2026 15:56

This isn’t really a ‘race to the bottom’ type situation. Your kid being told they can’t play out for 1 day isn’t doing them harm either, they’ve had a nice treat and now get to spend time with their mum and dad, and they had Easter with wider family last year. You may not be happy with your situation but there is nothing bad happening to you. You need to talk to your DH more about your situation generally and if he’s never moving back then you can start weighing up what that means for you. Next year maybe go back to your family for Easter

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Patronising much?

OP posts:
JacknDiane · 05/04/2026 17:11

@Feelsicktoomuchchocolate, next year book a nice restaurant for easter Sunday then go a walk afterwards, hopefully somewhere scenic.
Try to make it more special, working with what you have.

diddl · 05/04/2026 17:10

How far away are you & why did you move there?

Did you think it was for a limited time & it has been drawn out?

We were never a family for big meet ups for occasions though.

If so I don't think I could have moved.

Also when we moved here it was on the understanding that my parent would stay 2 or 3 time a year for 4/5 weeks & I would pop back 3/4 times for a week or so.

We're also only in Europe.

Original poster
Feelsicktoomuchchocolate · 05/04/2026 17:09

BerryTwister · 05/04/2026 15:40

Out of curiosity OP, what were the circumstances of the move abroad? Was it only ever meant to be temporary?

I didn’t think it would be *Forever, moved when younger and free-er, things change

OP posts:
Whatsnextforbea · 05/04/2026 17:09

You are in, what sounds like, a very unhappy marriage

Original poster
Feelsicktoomuchchocolate · 05/04/2026 17:08

Shinyhappyapple · 05/04/2026 15:31

You probably need to unpick the reason for your sadness. It’s probably not just about today, as many other posters have said, so many people don’t live close to their family, or may relationships are poor, or they simply don’t have family. You obviously miss your own family, are you unhappy in other ways? Would you return to the UK without your partner? A lot of things to consider.

I can’t return without him really as can’t take Dd

OP posts:
Advicefor10 · 05/04/2026 17:08

I haven’t read any replies so I hope I’m not repeating what others have said but seriously it’s lovely just your immediate family. I have 2 sisters but honestly I hardly see them or talk to them. It’s just so much family politics and dysfunctional. It may seem like they all are having cheerful family lunch but trust me there will be issues. Before you know it the kids will be grown up and you will remember the lovely afternoons with them. Is there any one else you know living there with no family? Maybe for next holiday arrange a get together

Original poster
Feelsicktoomuchchocolate · 05/04/2026 17:08

Whatsnextforbea · 05/04/2026 15:24

So… you and your husband have some talking to do!

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Ive tried…many times

OP posts:
Starfish1021 · 05/04/2026 17:07

I completely get you. We lived overseas for a decade and I found the celebration days the hardest. Especially when my siblings got together with my parents. We moved back to the UK 3 years ago and I’m not regretting for a second. This week we are away with my sibling and his children. It’s bliss and made sweeter by knowing it wasn’t always like this. Yes, the UK isn’t perfect but it’s not all dire. You have to speak to your husband, how long have you been away? It can’t all be his feelings first.

Original poster
Feelsicktoomuchchocolate · 05/04/2026 17:06

TomatoSandwiches · 05/04/2026 15:02

Sounds sad, why did you agree to move?

Moved when younger, before Dd, feels different when you have Dc

OP posts:
TheEighthDwarf · 05/04/2026 17:05

Feelsicktoomuchchocolate · 05/04/2026 15:19

I do and i’m sorry for others situations, but as people commonly say..it’s not a race to the bottom. I miss my family terribly, am stuck in a situation I don’t want to be in, it’s ok for me to feel sad

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It’s not ok to wish away a day when you could be having a lovely time with the family you have made.

Tacohill · 05/04/2026 17:04

Cherrytree86 · 05/04/2026 16:33

Why not just get divorced and then you can live where you want? @Feelsicktoomuchchocolate

Probably because then she wouldn’t see her DD as often and would feel even worse.

I’m assuming she also loves her DH too.

Whatsnextforbea · 05/04/2026 17:03

Clearly there’s marriage issues at play here

Original poster
Feelsicktoomuchchocolate · 05/04/2026 17:02

Mandarina33 · 05/04/2026 15:52

I sympathise OP. I am in a similar but opposite situation, my husband and I are from a EU country but have moved to Scotland about 10 years ago and our DCs were born here. I miss my family terribly and even more at these times. My DS has reached an age where he realises that we don't see grandparents very often and always asks me when we can go and visit. I am very close to my parents and my brothers, videocall them most days, but it is not the same. I miss celebrating milestones and holidays together. I was very close to my grandparents growing up, I saw them every week and I kind of took it for granted that this would be the same for my future kids. Now my kids are very loved by my family but they won't ever have that kind of relationship, and I feel like I deprived them of this.

I don't have much to advise. I didn't bother much when I was on my own, but now I try and make it special for the DC as I don't want them to grow up focusing on what they missed growing in an expat family. So we cook a special meal and create our own traditions. But I know it is not easy and I always feel very nostalgic and a bit sad on these occasions.

Feel exactly the same, so sorry you’re feeling the same 🌺 do you think you’ll return to your home country?
My Dd is starting to realise more now too and actually said to me a few months ago, ‘Why do we live here if your mummy and daddy live in England?’ just the very basic honesty of kids..but I actually thought ‘I don’t know’ 😔
You don’t realise as much until you have your own children just how important it all is

OP posts:
Friendlygingercat · 05/04/2026 16:57

Big mumti generational family gatherings can sound idealistic. However they are not for everyone. They can be horrendously noisy and filled with squabbling. As someone single and childfree I did what I could to swerve them.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/04/2026 16:52

Cherrytree86 · 05/04/2026 16:33

Why not just get divorced and then you can live where you want? @Feelsicktoomuchchocolate

@Feelsicktoomuchchocolate I wouldn't put it as 'bluntly' as @Cherrytree86 but it is a valid question.

How unhappy are you? Occasionally, just during the holidays, or desperately unhappy? Because if your DH's only consideration is "It's better here" there may be more things he needs to consider.

Contrariwise, if it really is 'better there' then maybe you need to think about the benefits rather than your homesickness.

es-DH (es=estranged, still married) and I (US 'natives') moved from a suburban location (A) to a more isolated area (B) that we both thought we'd love. He loved it, I didn't and I really never completely 'settled' there. I didn't like the weather, the location, or the political climate. But it really was 'better' as far as finances, recreation, and our DC's lives so I sucked it up, made friends, and found some good things about it to make it tolerable.

Luckily a job change for es-DH took us out of B and put us in an even better one than we left originally. Both DC and es-DH said they'd never want to go back to B. And both DC would love to go back to A, as would I. Maybe someday.....