Tips for how to not get drawn into this? Desperate!

Remember He is enjoying winding you up so do not give him the satisfaction of seeing your reaction to his lies.

Deep breath, roll your eyes and change the subject, every single time. Also think of all of MumsNet cheering you every time you manage it.

My ex and I have completely different narratives about our past relationship. I just nod and smile. I'm comforted by imagining how frustrated he must be by my refusal to join in with his nonsense. It's a sort of mini victory.

I’d be wary of anything that sounds like you’re agreeing with him, especially in writing, as he could introduce that in court as “proof” that his version is correct.

So never an “ok, if you say so”. Always “I disagree, but there’s no point debating it.” Like you need to record that you are in fact disagreeing.

It absolutely is possible to have minimal contact even with a small child. I barely spoke to my ex for many years after we split up. DD was 5. At hand over, we did not converse other than a polite ‘hello’ ‘goodbye’. Most of the time hand over was at the childminders house so we didn’t actually need to see each other. Nowadays there are apps that you can use for messages that need to be given. The only way I could maintain my sanity was to not engage in any conversation with him - he too was very controlling.

Excellent responses here so far. The key is consistently doing it. Try and minimise talking in person keep to text.

You'll have to keep an eye on if he then moves onto DC and edits history for them.

I would call him out with zero explaination. Just simply reply 'That's a lie' or 'I'm sick of your lies', or 'Why do you need to lie about me, is your life so disinteresting without me in it that you need to make stuff up'?

Don't enter into the whys and wherefores, just call him out, ideally publicly. He'll feel a fool and maybe quell it somewhat.

“Ah, it’s your truth…”
”ok, your truth coming out again…”
etc.

basically a short statement to indicate he’s talking bollocks then move straight on. It’ll get easier with practice. And minimise contact as much as possible. Maintain a cheery brisk manner and don’t hang around.

A second one to say this. You will never 'win' with these fuckers. All he wants is to see you tying yourself up like a pretzel. Put no fuel on his pathetic, spluttering candle of a fire.

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1G1pLnwnTB/?mibextid=wwXIfr

follow this mum on Facebook. She’s great in how you just completely ignore any conversation that isn’t to do with the kids. Yes it’s natural to argue back when there lying, but the absolute best thing you can do is ignore ignore ignore and just keep the conversation to the facts of dealing with the kids.

Keep a tally of your meetings and number them. Start with your next one and give a smiley face every time you don’t show him you care by grey rocking away. Every five smiley faces and give yourself a treat - as big or small as suits but it’s your rewards for managing the situation well (and happily fucking with his control as this is what he is trying to do).
Think of how you want to be - if who you want to be and play that part until you inhabit it. You might need some counselling or good friends to talk to as you unpick how you really feel. Eventually real you and the presentation you give him will match.

in the meantime practise those neutral and functions phrases. Like:

‘okay and let’s look at the week ahead’
‘well as were were saying’
‘now let’s get back to’
‘just before you go let’s see sure we know who …’
‘goodness is that the time - so you will be collecting at…’
’that’s your memory? Ok now let’s think about pick up…’

Good luck

"Well as the Queen once said, recollections may vary. Anyway what time are you picking DD up?" . And repeat as many times as necessary.

You've had some really good advice already, but I just wanted to add that I've found Chat GPT really useful for employing the grey rock technique.

Rather than giving him the reaction he wants, put his message into Chat GPT and ask it to give you a response that's neutral and child focused. Then copy and paste that response to him and carry on with your day.

Mine hated it so much at first, but now he doesn't even bother trying because he knows his nonsense will be ignored. It's truly liberating.

You beat him by not engaging.

Pick a stock response from the many excellent ones above. Practice saying it over and over before you see him next. When you are not with him think of some nonsense he might say and say out loud "If you say so". Then when you are with him don't think just trot it out.

Him: <some crap that didn't happen>
You: If you say so. Right I'm off...

Him: <outrageous reworking of an event>
You: If you say so. Give mummy a kiss, bye...

Him: <Of course you always xyz>
You: If you say so. I need to get to work...

This worked for me.

Petty example but my girls constantly bicker. One could say black is white just to wind up the other and the other HAS to correct them. I talk about if you know something to be true in your heart, there's no point in continuing the argument, it just winds you up. Just say ok and move on.

This on a loop is so effective.
To EVERYTHING he says.
Roll your eyes if its in person, with a smirk.

Discipline yourself by only allowing this response.
He sounds like a twat.

As above, learn to grey rock. I ignore anything in an email/message that's not about the kids. When he picks them up, sometimes I don't even look at him. It's hard, but just don't respond. If you want a good explanation of the don't justify, defend or explain method, look at Dr Ramani's YouTube videos.

Say, "whatever you say Jeff" every time he starts. Especially if his name is not Jeff.

As PP said, you have to just ignore him - he's doing it because he wants a reaction

I mean I'm sure these lies are primarily ones which paint you in a bad light - he's doing it to get a rise. Don't give it to him

Agree with the suggestion of an App so he is not in your every day with messages etc.

Also - it takes two to have an argument which is what he is maybe spoiling for - so the ‘grey Rock’ suggestion is best and barely engage at all and certainly don’t respond specifically to anything he says.

It is a waste of your time and energy to even give his ideas any oxygen - so deflect with one of the suggestions above (‘whatever’ is particularly dismissive 😉) and just focus on practical handover details.

He does it because he wants you to argue. Thats what he needs. You are his supply. So what will help you (and, as a bonus, drive him crazy), is if you dont.

When he starts up, ignore it. In your head, try things like counting how many outrageous statements he makes to see when he peaks. Or remind yourself that he is just looking for a reaction. Also remind yourself constantly that what you know and feel is legitimate and you dont need him to validate any of it so it doesn't matter if he agrees or not.

How much time does he have your dc? If you are allowing him to see them in your home, stop that as soon as possible. Also, accept that as you react less to him, his interest in your child will decline. It will be tempting to get back into proactive contact to convince him to spend time or live up to his responsibilities. Dont. It will just draw out this period of abuse. With the ultimate outcome the same - he will be absent and he will claim its your fault.

Remember at all times you can only control what you do and say and think, not him.

I’ve been through this and have been drawn into the whole defending my self thing. It’s just a big waste of time.

Remember this, they don’t want to know. Whatever you say, they will argue with and dismiss.

They don’t want the truth, they just want to WIN. That’s all that matters to them. Half the time, they don’t even believe their own lies. They just want to WIN (at everything, at anything).

Best advice, Respond, Don’t React. Never answer a contentious text straight away. Ignore the impulse to correct or defend. Just answer what needs answering ie contact arrangements, and just ignore the rest.

With my ex there’s an element of wanting the drama, the reaction, so I know total silence on my part winds him up. He just loves having an argument because he knows he will always win it. But that’s what happens when you make up facts as you go along - you can justify anything if the truth doesn’t matter.

So Respond, don’t React. He hasn’t listened to you in the past, he won’t start listening now. It’s that old saying, nothing changes if nothing changes.

It will be hard at first, very very hard. But its the only thing that will work. One day he will get the message and stop trying to wind you up. Think of him as a tramtrumming toddler trying to get your attention. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Don't say anything he can use as you agreeing with him. Avoid yes, or ok, or anything like that. He may tke that as you agreeing with his version.

You could say im really not interested in revisiting this. Or just ignore completely and reply with something to do with your child.

Or say to him im really not interested in debating the past. The only thing that matters now is our child.

This.

You need short responses that are ostensibly neutral but can be delivered with a withering tone if you so choose!

"If you say so."
"Whatever you say."
"That's nice."
"Ok poppet."

🤣

If it’s about current arrangements etc move onto one of the court approved apps so everything is in writing only.

If it’s historic just ignore him.