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Original poster

He cant commit.to being in child's life

233 replies

Confusedgal0001 · 05/04/2026 00:08

Me and my dp are in such a rollercoster relationship. When its good, its perfect. When we disagree. We disagree hard and it ends in nasty arguments. He has gotten more nasty and its like "anything goes" and he justifies it by saying I have wound him up. He never used to be like this but says its because I chipped away at him. Saying that, I wasnt the easiest at the start I did gaslight, and cause many arguments and broke up with him to get him to chase me to win me over. That was years ago. I am not that person. Now he says when I accuse him of stuff or nag him he thinks "not this shit and he shuts down". Ive told him it isnt helpful and he says thats my own doing.

After giving birth to our daughter and brining her home. I was floored with the emotion I felt. The love for her was and is something else. I didnt know I could love this much. I remember looking at her and burst out crying and saying to him "we will always be together for the sake of our girl, she deserves the best we need to promise that". A few weeks later, I asked him. What would happen if we broke up with our daughter. Would we coparent. Be on good terms, etc. He was immediately offended. He shut down got nasty. Telling me he "didnt know". I was gobsmacked, and demanded how he couldn't day he would always be there for her. He said he wants to say that but he cant predict an unknown future. He then said he doesnt want to think about breaking up and to ask that question is a red flag. I have continued asking, every few weeks, it has never say right.

Sometimes he will say, we would coparent if on good terms, then he will say he doesnt know how much he would see our baby as he doesnt have all the details (ie where I would be living. Etc)

Each time I get annoyed he tells me I am creating this problem and he doesnt ever want to split up. He said if we were splitting up we would discuss everything and that would include our daughter hut right now he cant give me an answer. I said why cant he said he would move mountains and do anything. He said he would do what needed to be done, what was the right thing for our daughter. He then says I have issues for talking about all of this and refuses to agree anything with me!! Is this not a red flag? I can honestly say that no matter what happens with us, I will always be our baby's mum and I ain't going anywhere. I will be in her life until I die. Why cant he say same?!

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedgal0001 · 05/04/2026 11:54

I have. I dont really know why I'm fixating on it. He usually gets annoyed as I come up with questions like what if this and what if that. He says I create fake scenarios and then dislike his answers. He said id be much happier if I didn't do that. But I am happy. I guess he has changed his answers so much I get a bit confused. I don't ever want to stay with him just so my baby has a relationship with him. I mean he is saving money for her now, opened private pension, he spoke once about private schools and I said "oh I see how invested u are, so u possibly wouldnt cut her off would u?" He said no of course not. When I ask why he gives a different answer he says he doesnt have time to talk about made up shit. Im either happy or I am not and I break up with him. He said he gets suspicious when I talk about that stuff. He says I am insecure

OP posts:
DalmationalAnthem · 05/04/2026 11:49

Confusedgal0001 · 05/04/2026 11:36

He has since proposed and has changed his will. I just find it strange he needs all info. Why cant a dad say he will be there no matter what?

Edited

Have you found any of the replies helpful?

Original poster
Confusedgal0001 · 05/04/2026 11:36

He has since proposed and has changed his will. I just find it strange he needs all info. Why cant a dad say he will be there no matter what?

OP posts:
Sartre · 05/04/2026 08:37

I hope you’re quite young and have room to grow out of this. It all sounds so intense and hyperbolic. You need to ground and level yourself for the sake of your child.

Greeao · 05/04/2026 08:33

@Confusedgal0001 I disagree with the other posters. I expect he is extremely hard work and provides no feeling of security for you. As someone who is a single parent with a man I tried for years to commit to me, I can say your child will be absolutely fine (mine sees their dad regularly but is fine with living with me).

BendingSpoons · 05/04/2026 07:57

You need to chill out on this one. I see your view - you love your DD so much and want confirmation he feels the same, but you are going about it in a strange way.

It's possible he does feel the same as you but is annoyed by the question. Unfortunately if people split up, practicalities do cause issues e.g. affording suitable housing near your job and your child. If you aren't planning in breaking up, why do you need to plan for it?

It's also possible he doesn't yet feel the same way. For some people that love is a slow burn, rather than a big rush, and that's ok. You aren't going to make him feel the way you do by badgering him.

You don't elaborate on his 'nastiness' but that is likely not ok. However it sounds like you are picking arguments quite frequently over pointless things, so you probably both need to look at your behaviour.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 05/04/2026 07:33

You dont sound bonkers.

You sound postpartum and vulnerable with a partner you dont trust / dont believe you can rely on.

His viewpoint is reasonable though.
He is approaching with logic, you are approaching with emotion.
His view is You can't predict the future / never say never.

Honestly though if you look objectively at this... your ambition is to stay together.

Every time you insist on one of these stressful conversation you push him away / increase the risk of breaking up.
Not saying dont challenge him on anything ever. But right now its totally hypothetocal and circular and you should just drop it.

You do need to stay in work and ideally get married.
Having a child out of Wedlock is rarely a good idea unless you earn hundred ls or thousands.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/04/2026 07:27

You both need to grow up.

Wordsmithery · 05/04/2026 07:25

Sounds like an unhealthy relationship all round. Why do you play all these silly games? You're an adult and a parent now.

Pricelessadvice · 05/04/2026 07:23

You need to calm down.
Stop goading him for answers to a situation that hasn’t occurred. You are going to cause him to leave in the end if you’re not careful.

I think you might need some professional help as this really isn’t helpful to anyone.
I feel very sorry for the environment your baby is growing up in. Sorry OP.

blubberball · 05/04/2026 07:18

You're going into your imagination a lot and creating scenarios which aren't currently happening. You need to be focusing on the here and now. Focus on your child and trying to be as healthy and functional as possible. The creating scenarios, tests and mind games is unhealthy, toxic and dysfunctional behaviour.

Ponderingwindow · 05/04/2026 01:08

I think you need to talk to your doctor or midwife about postpartum mental health.

I had postpartum anxiety. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. For many women it is very easy to treat.

Rainbowlou0001 · 05/04/2026 01:03

Stop constantly trying to test him, you sound about 15!
Focus on your family being together right now in the moment before you scare him away for good!
Poor man must feel so harassed and what a toxic environment to bring your child up in.

edwinbear · 05/04/2026 00:59

I feel sorry for your daughter too. What a bloody awful environment she’s going to grow up in.

Woodfiresareamazing · 05/04/2026 00:59

Confusedgal0001 · 05/04/2026 00:08

Me and my dp are in such a rollercoster relationship. When its good, its perfect. When we disagree. We disagree hard and it ends in nasty arguments. He has gotten more nasty and its like "anything goes" and he justifies it by saying I have wound him up. He never used to be like this but says its because I chipped away at him. Saying that, I wasnt the easiest at the start I did gaslight, and cause many arguments and broke up with him to get him to chase me to win me over. That was years ago. I am not that person. Now he says when I accuse him of stuff or nag him he thinks "not this shit and he shuts down". Ive told him it isnt helpful and he says thats my own doing.

After giving birth to our daughter and brining her home. I was floored with the emotion I felt. The love for her was and is something else. I didnt know I could love this much. I remember looking at her and burst out crying and saying to him "we will always be together for the sake of our girl, she deserves the best we need to promise that". A few weeks later, I asked him. What would happen if we broke up with our daughter. Would we coparent. Be on good terms, etc. He was immediately offended. He shut down got nasty. Telling me he "didnt know". I was gobsmacked, and demanded how he couldn't day he would always be there for her. He said he wants to say that but he cant predict an unknown future. He then said he doesnt want to think about breaking up and to ask that question is a red flag. I have continued asking, every few weeks, it has never say right.

Sometimes he will say, we would coparent if on good terms, then he will say he doesnt know how much he would see our baby as he doesnt have all the details (ie where I would be living. Etc)

Each time I get annoyed he tells me I am creating this problem and he doesnt ever want to split up. He said if we were splitting up we would discuss everything and that would include our daughter hut right now he cant give me an answer. I said why cant he said he would move mountains and do anything. He said he would do what needed to be done, what was the right thing for our daughter. He then says I have issues for talking about all of this and refuses to agree anything with me!! Is this not a red flag? I can honestly say that no matter what happens with us, I will always be our baby's mum and I ain't going anywhere. I will be in her life until I die. Why cant he say same?!

Thanks

You broke up with him to make him chase you - so you were playing games then.

You keep asking him to make some declaration of undying unchanging love and vow of never abandoning your child. But it has to be a form of words acceptable to you - which so far he hasn't managed to do.

Honestly, I think you're very lucky he's still with you.

You ARE winding him up, so get whatever help you need to get over your fixation.

💐

AlwaysLookOnTheBrightSideOfLife · 05/04/2026 00:56

You knowingly brought a child into this shit-show and continue to play games...poor little mite.

edwinbear · 05/04/2026 00:50

DH and I have never had the conversation about what would happen with DC if we broke up. You’re goading him OP, I’m not surprised he’s pissed off.

murasaki · 05/04/2026 00:49

Lifesd · 05/04/2026 00:47

I think you need to see someone professionally - this isn’t normal or healthy.

This. You are creating the problem, and need to talk to someone about why you are doing this.

Meadowfinch · 05/04/2026 00:49

HeddaGarbled · 05/04/2026 00:26

He’s right. You’re creating a problem which wouldn’t exist if you just shut up now.

This. Stop harping on asking stupid undermining rhetorical questions, and get on with your life as it is now.

Lifesd · 05/04/2026 00:47

I think you need to see someone professionally - this isn’t normal or healthy.

Sashya · 05/04/2026 00:47

OP - with respect - you need help. Are you still post-partum? Hoping you are just unhinged because of hormones...
You are really unreasonable and talking in hypotheticals, which are silly and unnecessary.
Get back to earth and your baby. She needs you sane and back raising her now - not discussing what happens if you break up with her father.
Both of you would continue being her parents - even if you break up. There is no need to discuss it now - or demand assurances.

Please talk to Health visitor or someone who can help you with your MH.

SapphOhNo · 05/04/2026 00:44

You sound bonkers OP.

DinosaurBlue · 05/04/2026 00:43

Sounds like you are still that person OP. You are playing toxic games and you are the one jeopardising your relationship.

ASandwichNamedKevin · 05/04/2026 00:43

He said he would do what needed to be done, what was the right thing for our daughter.

So he gave this perfectly acceptable answer.
You need to stop asking.

Someone repeatedly asking the question about what to do if we split up would make me think they were trying to get me to end the relationship so I would be the bad guy.

It is really toxic behaviour, possibly self-sabotaging. You need counselling to understand why you can't resist this totally unhelpful behaviour.

TellMeWhatToWear · 05/04/2026 00:38

Why are you harassing him about what he would do if you broke up? That’s unhinged behaviour.

Sounds like you’re both pretty nasty to one another though. What’s the point of a relationship like that?