He cant commit.to being in child's life

Have you tried, I don’t know, to stop looking for reasons to argue and blame and get stroppy?

The most important thing in a relationship is not love, it's respect. You might not even like each other at times but even in the middle of arguments if there is respect then you can work through it. Your problem is that he has shown that he doesn't respect you. You argue, the gloves come off and anything nasty goes, because he was 'wound up'. This is not healthy. You admit your relationship was a rollercoaster and then you bought a baby into the mix. Now even if he's doing the 'right' things, proposing etc. You don't believe it's for the long term. Why would you the track history is chaotic. It's not surprising you are insecure. So you needle, obsess and question for Plan B, what happens if he leaves you? You were also the girl who cried wolf, left him so he'd chase you to get you back. That gave you power, made you feel wanted.... Now you have the baby, perhaps you feel that tactic won't work in your favor anymore....not saying in any way I agree with the tactic but perhaps you might feel more insecure that you have lost your (extremely toxic by the way) weapon in your relationship you previously relied on.

In addition, when you have a baby, you get absolutely walloped with the love hormones. Of course you feel you would move mountains for your perfect, precious child. It's natures way of stopping us abandoning them to the wolves.... He is not jacked up on oxytocin so he's a bit more measured and it doesn't sound like he's being a bad father. He sounds fairly normal in his reactions, do what needs to be done. But he isn't laying down prostrate at the baby alter as you'd like him to?

The key issue is the foundations of your relationship are shite.... If you keep pushing for a Plan B scenario it a) might actually happen of b) he'll just tell you what he thinks you want to hear. It's not really helping anyone? Marrying him won't be a magic cure where you will suddenly have a better relationship or feel more secure either.....it might protect you more financially depending on your circumstance. However with his history of nastiness he sounds the sort to be a complete arsehole to divorce...I'd hold fire on the wedding if I were you.
I think you need to get back to the root cause of your issues which is respect. Respect from him and respect for yourself. I would suggest some therapy by yourself and pick it though. Why did you ever accept someone treating you that nasty way or making you feel insecure in the first place? I also think you need to work on yourself, get back to work, get financially independent, get friends and hobbies. Make yourself happy.

You sound like bloody hard work and why you’re doing to him is emotional abuse. I hope he manages to find a life free from this kind of dysfunction.

Why is everyone sticking up for him?
Because you come across as being unhinged.

Everyone agrees he shouldn't have given you "a hard tap on the leg" as you described it.

You shouldn't be manipulative, goading, mendacious, escalate drama, and generally behave like a toxic nightmare.

You took 10 minutes to leave the house when he was waiting in the car and in a big hurry. You were deliberately winding him up across the day. You say he "called you a bitch in front of your baby" when actually she was fast asleep in the back.

This is a deeply messed up dynamic. Get some therapy to resolve your issues or your poor daughter will be raised in a poisonous environment.

Your relationship is an utter mess.

The pair of you are abusive - you mentally and emotionally and him physically by the sound of it.

What a disgusting example for your child. Split up and get some serious therapy to sort yourself out.

Put your child first.

Again?
so you hit him too?

Four years isn’t a long time. In that time you have cheated, cut up all clothes, constantly broke up with him to test him and by your own admission, gaslit him.

He gave you a “hard tap” in the car the other day when you were causing yet another argument. He is absolutely in the wrong for hitting you. No one should lay their hands on anyone, no matter the circumstances. But this isn’t a relationship where you are the innocent victim. You are just as toxic and in fact, worse because you keep looking for ways to cause more drama.

FUCKING HELL.

So not only do you badger on about him leaving you, you have treated him horribly in the past.

Yet despite all of that, he stays with you.

You need to count your lucky stars but I do hope the two of you split - an incredibly toxic relationship that you have created. This really isn’t a good example for your daughter.

You must have some mental health issues being exacerbated by post partum. I say this kindly. You need to seek help. The things you are asking and keep badgering with are not normal.

The post partum hormones are no joke. They are exacerbating whatever issues you had. Some antidepressants might help.

What is the time line of your relationship? I'm sure in one of your updates you said you'd been together 4 years, which really isn't very long.

Especially given that in the beginning you lied repeatedly about being single, and gaslit him multiple times when he expressed doubts about your situation.

He must find it hard to trust someone who has treated him so badly...

Would you feel better if he did come to you with a plan?

Surely it's so much worse if he comes to you and says
"Oh actually i've thought about our breakup alot, i'd want our daughter 50/50 every Sunday through Wednesday, My plan is to hire a nanny for two of the days, the other one i'll ask my mom to watch her. From the age of 4 i'll put her in ballet lessons on my time of course."

You sound a bit unhinged and you're just going to drive him away. The more you question it the more you'll plant the idea of a breakup in his head.

So you’re insecure cause you are not a trustworthy person yourself. Pretty standard.

I know on the other thread you said he hit you and asked if he were abusive. I’m not condoning his action but it sounds like you are emotionally abusive and are pushing the boundaries.

tbh you sound completely fucked up. You need to stop being a dick and sort yourself out.

Hi OP. The last thing you need is AIBU on Mumsnet over a long long weekend to help solve your relationship issues.

You sound to be very confused and troubled. Can you speak to your GP and explain some of what you've described here, and in the meantime forget this thread and try to enjoy time with your baby.

You seem to be the problem. Stop looking for dramas.

i commented on your other thread but tbh it’s stupid starting a new thread about one aspect of your relationship when the whole thing is so tainted that any one single interaction is irrelevant. I was one of the few posters at the time to lay more blame at his door for slapping you than at yours for being nasty and a general nightmare, but based solely on the info in this thread you sound like the bigger problem.

Either way, you build this relationship on quicksand, lying and gaslighting, and now it’s crumbling. Get out, build two safe and secure, calm and nurturing homes for your baby and spend some time on and by yourself before you go rushing into another shitshow of a relationship.

Great post.

OP has been given a lot of good advice on here, but sadly for her daughter I don't think she's going to.

Stop asking him that question, you already know he's invested, its your anxiety driving this and no answer he gives will resolve that. The real question is will I be left alone raising this bay while he disappears. A not uncommon fear for any new mum, but a fear for a therapist, not to him after an argument.

Also own your own behaviour and the consequences of that. You gaslit him from the beginning about the relationship. So what might look like him being evasive could actually be a man who already learned that you are not trustworthy. Breaking trust like that does not come without consequence and it can take a very long time to rebuild trust.

Still, what he is doing making his behaviour your fault is not ok either. If he can't take responsibility for his behaviour, the relationship wont last.

But basically marrying into all this without addressing the issues will make it all worse. You need to stop outsourcing your anxiety to him, and start to get clear if this is a man who can be better, or if he will never be accountable for his actions. Because right now you cant tell the difference. Ideally you both need counselling, seperately and together.

Book yourself into some kind of therapy immediately. Your behavior is the problem here.

As for the logistics of the inevitable breakup of this toxic relationship, he is absolutely correct that his degree of parenting will be determined by proximity. If he is a savvy father and wants to be an involved parent, he will go to court to block you from moving away with your shared child.

If the two of you want to be active coparents, you need to agree on a city and both live there.

Stop badgering him, you are being a pain in the arse!