He cant commit.to being in child's life

Oh OP, this is just so toxic.
If you love your baby, source therapy to figure out how to do better.
I think the relationship is doomed, as relationships that begin from lies often are.
Therapy could help you understand yourself better, regulate yourself better so that you can co-parent well.

Your baby deserves better than a chaotic childhood like yours was.

Break the cycle.

If you can’t have a simple conversation without it turning into an argument then I don’t know how you think you can be together.

From your latest updates it sounds like you simply have a clash of personality/communication style. I reckon you have both behaved dreadfully toward each other historically and are both clinging on to something non existent. Some people just shouldn’t be together.

You are creating this problem by demanding constant answers to your what if questions. It must be really draining for him to deal with this. I think you should seek coundelling for your insecurities

Because your version turned into a 1 hour argument. Whoever is right or wrong this relationship is dead in the water and no good for your child.

Do either of you work? Can you afford to split up and run two houses. Forget all this nonsense and focus on that as your goal.

It sounds like he’s been defensive after a long time of you nit picking him. If I’d been in that situation I might have thought what you said about how if I’d known he wasn’t going to work on the bathroom I’d have washed my hair but i wouldn’t have said it. Because ultimately what does it gain? Doesn’t turn the clock back. I assume working on the bathroom is an occasional even a one off thing so it’s not like it’s something you need to tell him to stop it happening again.

I’d probably reflect on my own communication and think ok, he’s not a mind reader he doesn’t know I was thinking about washing my hair. So maybe I’d have been better off right at the start saying “how quick do I need to be, can I wash my hair”. And then there would never have been a problem. it’s not like he told you to be quick.

so yes, you’re nagging him and finding fault and it’s annoying. It’s not a case of your feelings being invalidated. It’s a case of you being a drama llama for no good reason.

he’s probably annoyed as he’s doing DIY and getting grief.

I know I said I would leave this thread but I wanted to respond.

Why feel the need to comment on anything he does that you don’t like or annoys you? Does it really need you to say something? What would that even achieve?

It’s the constant criticism and nit picking that would drive the most reasonable person bad.

You are so determined to criticism him you don’t even see that you’re doing it and instead continue to paint yourself as the victim.

Your behaviour is so unbelievably toxic.

You are exhausting. There’s no way I could be with you. You need to not be together for your child’s sake. It isn’t healthy and you are the red flag. Why are you asking him about scenarios that haven’t or will never happen. That would annoy the shit out of me too and I would be snappy with you too. Stop asking stupid questions. It’s like you’re trying to trick him. Grow up, if not for you than do it for your child!!

You are unbelievably dramatic and need to calm down.

In my house it would go - me "I thought you were working on the bathroom today, I would have washed my hair if I'd known." Him "yeah sorry XYZ took longer than I thought." Me "no worries I'll do it tonight."

You are a big part of the problem. You have a newborn and instead of enjoying that phase, (which is also obviously tiring) you're constantly needling him with hypothetical breakup scenarios. That's very toxic, unhelpful and prevents him from relaxing and enjoying his home. He's right that he doesn't have time for made up scenarios. Op, NO couple wants to have a "what would happen in a break up scenario" discussion over and over. It's very unhealthy.

Bottom line, stop fixating on hypothetical scenarios. You'll ruin any relationship, not just this one - friends, family won't respond well to these imaginary 'tests' and they're quite controlling and don't come from a good place. If you can't see the problem with judging your relationship on imaginary problems, I'd genuinely (not nastily) encourage you to reach out to Relate and/or have some counselling to help you start building a healthier attitude to relationships.

I'm wondering if you're actually struggling with insecurity but don't know how to seek reassurance in a healthy way. We do need reassurance sometimes but try to find that in healthy ways - from a hug, from a kind word, from just spending time together.

The shower thing:
Both need to learn to let the small stuff go - key to a solid relationship - defo wasn't worth an hour of your lives discussing this.

You are in the wrong. You made a goady comment criticising him for not starting straight away and implying you couldn't wash your hair because of him.

He's doing DIY. That's a positive thing, and all you can do is prod him and criticise.

This is EXACTLY the sort of nonsense he's talking about, an argument you created from nothing.

How do you talk about your feelings with him?
How about DON'T. Give it a try to not express every minor nitpick and complaint that passes through your mind. Go with the flow a bit rather than actively looking for reasons to be dissatisfied.

You were blaming him. He might have deserved the blame, but you’re gaslighting him by pretending you weren’t blaming him. If you weren’t meaning to blame him or to criticize him, why need to say anything?

You sounded as if you were blaming him for not starting work on the electrics as soon as possible, when he had never actually said that he would do it immediately you finished, so he couldn't see why you were making an issue of it. Yes, he implied that he would but he didn’t know it was an important issue whether he did it straight away or not. He didn’t know you wanted to wash your hair. It was just a misunderstanding, really not worth spending time arguing about.

You sound like very hard work.

Doesn't he siund like he always wants to fight.

No. It sounds to me like you bring things up unnecessarily with a shitty approach that goads an arguement.

Making him explain and justify to you why he didn't start xyz immediately isn't something most people do...just the toxic ones. You don't realise this because you're the problem.

I cannot believe you’ve brought a child into this absolute shit show ! Selfish beyond words

sort yourself out ffs

You sound like extremely hard work op and like you probably have more than one competing mental health/personality disorder.

For your child's sake, the best you could do would probably be give dad custody, step back and see her as NRP whilst seeking therapy and a correct diagnosis for yourself. The narcissim seeping through your posts suggests you'd never actually put your child first to that degree though.

Best of luck to your poor dd, she sounds like she'll need it.