Do we need help is he abusive?

All you talk about is yourself.

There is no thought for your poor baby in all this toxicity. Its me me me.

I feel very sorry for her.

He’s already considering what his life would look like ‘co-parenting’. He might not be saying it suits him but he’s clearly thinking about it. It would be wise if you did too.

@Twoopposingforces you can not possibly still think you’re in the right after all this feedback.

Go to the doctor’s and tell them how you have been behaving and ask them for some help. Maybe you have PND.

You are clearly terrified that this guy is going to leave you.

You have made multiple threads on here under different user names and it’s very telling.

Now unless you are totally ignorant you must be aware that your relationship is dead and buried so why don’t you do the right thing for once (for the sake of your child at the very least) and split up.

I don’t know what’s happened to you to make you think that toxic environments are tolerable but irrespective it’s very damaging for a child to be in such situations.

OP why are you so terrified of being alone ?

You’re both bad, I’d say you are worse.

But you were late because by your own omission you ‘was not in any rush’ and you ‘was annoyed at the day being cut short’. He was obviously stressed as you needed to get back for the cats. If you had a plan that you made together why didn’t you stick to it? Spending a long time in a shop when he doesn’t normally buy himself anything, not exactly a crime.

Did you honestly cut his clothes up because of an argument? You were verbally abusive to him in the past- telling him nobody wants him etc and throwing things. I’m not sure I’d ever get over that, and quite honestly that behaviour doesn’t turn off over night.

I’ll be honest, me and my DH have had some stonkers in our time, we’ve been together since we were 17 and our immaturity showed in the younger years. I’ve never cut his clothes up and he’s never once laid a finger on me. It sounds like this relationship has run its course.

As he’s already obviously considered his next steps re: location and custody arrangements of the child, I’d say in his eyes the end is fast approaching and he’s getting his duck in order. Wise man. I suggest you do the same.

@Twoopposingforces You still haven’t answered the question of how old you are. Is this your first relationship? You sound extremely young and inexperienced in what a healthy and normal relationship is.

You're as bad as each other. This is an horrible atmosphere to bring a baby up in. You should both split up and have therapy for anger issues.

Abusive people dont see themselves as abusive

Wow sounds both as bad as each other! Make plans to leave before the baby witnesses any more of this behaviour - you can see this is not a healthy place to be in.

You BOTH sound like nasty, horrible hot-heads.

I think you both need therapy. But separately, as you’ve got some deep issues.

Please stop trying to play a “blame game” You both should be utterly ashamed of yourselves and want to become better people for your child and pets.

Added to the rest of the behaviour, and the fact you do not see it and are nitpicking situations on mumsnet to try to proof hr is abuse and you are bot is gaslighting abusive behaviour. You had nothing to argue about and started argument over his tone. Your tone doesn’t sound any nicer tbh.. Few comments and your thinking is so black and white which is probably why he called you “autistic”. You say he tapped your thigh and wasn’t hitting then you go to question if it is assault. Do you hear yourself ? Throwing stuff, cutting clothes is assault - the fact it was 3 years ago doesn’t excuse it.
maybe him tapping your leg wasn’t the tight in the situation, but it is not what I will call assault. If he wanted to hurt you - he wouldn’t be taping your thigh, he’d ve elbowing your face. It sounds he was frustrated and it was “cue” to make you stop and back off because he has had enough. It is not right, but victims of abuse (which frankly he is) do react this way. You sound emotionally draining and I suggest therapy and paych evaluation.

Its irrelevant what the root of the disagreement was -or indeed any other such minor disagreement. It's perfectly "normal" for 2 people to each have a different preference or expectation on what you wanted to do/prioritise and disagree about it. What IS abusive is the WAY you've each responded to what many people would usually consider a relatively minor annoyance by both escalating with inappropriate and disproportionate behaviours.

You we're BOTH verbally abusive to each other, and he was physically abusive, driving angrily and threatening to leave you Androidhyour child which is manipulative . This is toxic behaviour and allowing your child to witness this/be around this dysfunction is abusive to her.

This is a recurrent dynamic, even if not constant, and you seem to bring out the worst in each other. Even though you said you'd done awful stuff in the past -.time doesn't cancel out its seriousness! And adds layers and layers of dysfunction and trauma to thw relationship. Neither of you seem part of any team - let alone the team you should both be on and thats "team prioritise our child".

Your initial ask was "do we need help " and the answer on here is overwhelmingly YES, you really all do. Please take everything posters have said in response to you on board and take steps to help your child not have to grow up in the toxic environment of her parents relationship.

You are the abusive one, not him. His behaviour is very likely the reaction to your abuse. Sorry to say but your accusations and actions sound borderline.

This sounds toxic.

at the end of the day he laid his hands on you. These things often escalate.

id leave now and take th baby. Do as he says and return to your home town. It’s up to him if he doesn’t see the baby any more but you need to keep the two of you safe

Awful childish behaviour from you both and you either need to get counselling together or split and get counselling separately to learn how to communicate appropriately and put your child first rather than petty squabbling escalating to vitriol and violence. He shouldn't have hit you, not condoning that, but this sounds more like a toxic and abusive relationship than him being an abuser per se.

Also, why on earth were the cats in a cattery for one night? Surely that's unnecessarily costly AND disruptive for them? Cat feeders are a very convenient and inexpensive solution for a short break, without the drama of having to be back by a certain time.

@Twoopposingforces no you’re not sensitive, but I would say you’re controlling, and if you don’t have your own way, then abusive.

The cattery situation. You wanted the plan changed. It wasn’t going your way, so you blamed him for taking too long in the shops. You didn’t get to control the situation to chill out at your mums so began your abusive behaviour.

Your DP said you stop your DD from doing things - again controlling. He called you out on it and you didn’t like it. That’s not being too sensitive. Sounds like he’s beginning to have had enough of you.

You tainted your mini-break by being a stroppy, abusive control freak.

Sort yourself out, or you’ll lose him.

You are toxic.

I’m sorry but 6 and two three’s here. Six of one and half a dozen (2 x 3)of the other, @Twoopposingforces .

The straight up honest answer is that you’re not good together and this isn’t the foundation for a long lasting happy and healthy relationship.

You were immature to create life together and to drag a poor innocent baby into this mess and if you don’t separate you’re going to cause life long irreversible damage to that baby who will grow into an adult who doesn’t know how to have a healthy relationship because they were never shown whah that was.

You sound like a love sick teenager who’s whole world revolves around their partner when really you should be asking what the hell you’re doing to your child.

You sound fairly young? Relationships take time and care. You need to communicate better and calm down. It's not the end of the world if you miss out on a bakery visit or are late to collect cats. Breathe.
You both need to communicate with each other and respect each other's feelings.
I don't think you are in an abusive relationship. I think you're both finding your way as parents and probably with each other. Tbh ending your relationship should be a last resort, especially if you love each other and your child. No one will love her like you both do so work through it.