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AIBU?

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AIBU to decline social invitations when masking leaves me physically unwell?

132 replies

RiojaNcheese · 04/04/2026 20:06

Can anyone comment please...severe hystamine reaction to people! Eek. Peri menopause has whacked me over the head and
then ever since an Audhd diag, I've been more mindful of my physical health & mental health.

For a long time Iv'e taken pain meds as well to combat nerve pain, but decided to wean off a year ago, up certain supplements, increase water etc. (Nothing complicated, just standard stuff) Since then, along with a better understanding of social burnout etc I have noticed visceral reactions to others😬 It's horrific trying to hide it as essentially I'm quite mild (I have a job that impacts massively) and this takes up more social battery than before.

Outside of this I am no longer willing to sacrifice my health to people please but it's impacting my ability to appear polite!😬 but i also dont want to be toxic myself by acting like a wally and isolating myself!!

I quite look forward to going out sometimes and have a kind, thoughtful husband who is trying to understand...im trying not to be a pain or to come accross as rude but i increasingly don't like people.😔
All of a sudden over the past year i notice;
Any sort of cattiness, any entitled behaviour that puts anyone else down, anyone false or with ill intent seems to JUMP out at me in a room. I have no idea what's happened but it's like I've had my eyes opened and I now can't "unsee". It literally waves over me.

It's so stark that I now have hystamine reactions a few hours after social situations where I am having to mask / listen to others talking incessantly about themselves...
The thing is I used to be fine with it. I don't want to talk about myself anyway, so im totally fine asking questions and I'd get by with making a fuss of others (i used to anyway...)

I had to attend a "do" a while ago and of course was polite & doing the social thing but the following morning out the blue, I suffered an allergic reaction, head thumping, bright red purple neck and dizzy.. and fainted. It was terrifying.
It's not linked to food as I hadn't eaten and not alcohol related.
I've had the a similar reaction, bright, hot neck flush, itchy lips, dizzy, thumping head then horrific tummy cramps for a few hours, after every social situation that has meant me masking.
I hadn't thought about there being a link so its not psychosymatic.

I was out last night,had one drink, felt relaxed until my partner's friends joined us unexpectedly. Admittedly, the pub was very busy and there were lots of older teens so some erratic squeels and shouty behaviour🤣 but it was good natured and didnt feel threatening, but after about 60 mins of the other couple talking about various high brow experiences they had paid for over the years and lots of holiday snaps of expensive holidays and comments about the locals being rather poor...😳 i didnt want to over think it because everyone is different and they have the right to their opinion but the odd comment was jarring me horribly😮‍💨..i started to feel dizzy and exhausted. Smiling through it, i realised my face was starting to flush and my neck and inside of my mouth was itchy.
I wasn't breathless or panicky...but I did not wsnt to be there anymore.

I was deffo making other couple feel "off" and in the end i excused myself saying i had ear ache and a headache from it and i sat upstairs in the smoking area for 20 mins just to be somewhere quiet.

I was desperate not to appear rude. I was trying so hard for my husband, but I have now, for giving those few hours yesterday...spent today polaxed.
I don't want to offend anyone, I dont want to be rude etc but I see the world very differently the last 12months and I don't quite know how to convince my body not to freak out in front of other humans.
I could quite happily cut out about 80% of the people i know and never see them again but know this isnt reasoanable of me.
I am wondering weather, for my own sanity and so as not to cause my husband embarrassment.im wondering weatjer to simply decline social invites..
Help please..😵‍💫

OP posts:
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Whatsnextforbea · 04/04/2026 20:21

Admittedly, the pub was very busy and there were lots of older teens so some erratic squeels and shouty behaviour🤣

well don’t go to grotty pubs like this for a start

Wetherspoons?

Mingspingpongball · 04/04/2026 20:20

Without being rude OP, how can you be allergic to people?
I can’t stand being around insufferable twats either (I’m 51 and starting perimenopause I think), but I’ve always had a face that says what I think. I tend to have a bit of a “I’m going to play with this fool” attitude if I’m forced to be around twats rather than hiding. I don’t know if you are maybe focusing on your discomfort more and hence noticing it more but it seems like the best thing to do is to try to avoid too many incidents where you are likely to have to endure scenes you don’t want to .. and plan downtime. Maybe you can focus on the downtime when things are rough and you can’t avoid twats..?

Blarn · 04/04/2026 20:20

Not to dismiss the audhd and masking but has the tingling lips etc happened when you've been out with alcohol? Even just one or two drinks? You can become sensitive to the histamines in alcohol. Over the last year I notice quite often the day after having alcohol I have red slightly puffy lips and red itchy ears, sometimes a bit sniffly as well.

But you shouldn't go to things or see people if you're not going to enjoy it. Be careful not to let this slip into ne er going anywhere though.

Alconleigh · 04/04/2026 20:15

Christ this sound exhausting. For you and everyone else. Don’t go. But also. Try to get outside your own head.

Bindaytodaygarrr · 04/04/2026 20:15

I wonder if it’s worth while considering wider issues rather than just the interaction with humans. So could it also be related to sensory overload. You describe the pub as being load and busy. Is it possible that an hour chatting to friends when at home or say round a picnic bench in a quiet park would be more manageable? Or going for a country walk? So before cutting people from your life I wonder if you find ways to have social activities but in a manageable way.

Also plan ahead - so if you have a ‘do’ you need to plan in downtime the next day - time in a dark room with a book/film/puzzle/whatever is your bag!

TheGreatDownandOut · 04/04/2026 20:11

You sound similar to me OP. I don’t get the same physical reactions as you, I tend to have to try very hard to hide my frustration with people when they behave this way. Sounds like me like you have a good bullshit radar and that’s not a bad thing. You absolutely should cut people out of your life that make you feel that way and don’t go to social gatherings where you may have this reaction. Your health comes first. I couldn’t sit there and listen to your partner’s insufferable ‘friends’ either

ETA - I have cut a few people out of my life over the past few years and I do not regret it. Sometimes I have to speak to people like this at work, but luckily I don’t have to keep my camera on so they can’t see my reactions. If I’m drained in any way, it’s much worse. If I’m well rested I can tolerate it more.

CharlotteRumpling · 04/04/2026 20:08

Just decline them. You don't seem to enjoy them so don't go.