Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

It seems the concept of duty has gone out of fashion. My relationship with my parents isn’t a transactional “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours”. How does that even work with a parent and child?! Parents have a duty to their children: OP had a duty to her DD, but this DD seems to want to fob her duty to her child (to make suitable arrangements for her to be looked after while she’s at work) off onto her mum.

And how would it work for the grandchild whose parent got childcare from her grandparent? Would she still be expected to care for her mother when she’s elderly? After all, she was derelict her maternal duty to her child…

Nope. My parents told all their children they wouldn’t be providing childcare, that they’d done their bit and are too tired and too old. We all planned around it and have all been utterly self-sufficient: paid childcare, sorted between parents, sorted with friends, sleepovers with cousins, unpaid leave, self-employment, becoming an SAHM etc. My parents have done their bit by raising us while caring for their parents (2 out of 4), and in their hour of need I will do my bit for them while raising my children. This is a parent who didn’t sort out childcare for her job: not an emergency, not illness, not hospitalization or fire in the house. She just didn’t realise nursery wouldn’t be open over Easter holidays. I mean, seriously? How did she expect to go to work without someone to look after her child? She’s had a whole year to organize this and it’s week 1! It’s poor parenting and then poor daughtering expecting your mum to pick up the pieces of a mess of your own making.

You do you.

You won't be any good doing things you're not interested in or if your heart's not in it.

My mother has never had the time, the interest or anything .... ever. I wish I'd never tried and I wish I'd never taken her word for things when she never meant them....and it was always about her. She needs me when she needs something done. Full stop.

My children don't want to engage with her now they've grown up...and they only do it for me.

So the only way to have a relationship with her daughter and grandchild is by providing childcare?

Have them if it suits you and don't if it doesn't. If you've made it clear you're not entering into a regular thing, then I don't see what the problem is.

Just something to think about-having seen my parents in a care home, we worked out that the difference between those elderly individuals who had many frequent visitors and those who didn’t depended on whether they had been part of every day life for the young families and helped out etc. So it was natural that the grand kids (and great grand kids) etc continued to want to see their grandparents in the home as they had built up close bonds. You may want to bear this in mind before you impose such black and white boundaries….

My parents have a similar attitude to you. I didn’t expect them to do much childcare but their ‘I won’t help out ever’ approach has put put a massive strain on my relationship with them and my children are not remotely close to them. You do what you want but don’t expect to have a relationship with this grad hold you claim to be excited about. There is a massive different between not wanting to do 9-5 childcare 5 days a week and helping out in emergencies

Eh? Isn't the odd bit of childcare one of the pleasures of being a grandparent? You'll form a much stronger bond.

What goes around comes around. You may find yourself very lonely in the future.

My mum was the same as yours, but it sounds like she didn't enjoy being a mum/ having kids in the first place, so why would she enjoy grandkids?

I think it’s just a natural reaction, not necessarily a pre planned “revenge”.
It’s like with friendships, if you feel you’re the only one putting in any effort, then you question the friendship and naturally pull away.
My mother died at 54 so never met her Grandchildren. My husbands Mum is lovely but not one for childcare, however, we all spend time together and she’ll make the kids lunch and get little treats etc.
Both Grandads are selfish and uncaring. not even a Christmas card, nothing. We have no relationship with them and the kids wouldn’t know them if they crossed them in the street.
You reap what you sow.
Personally, I can’t wait for grandchildren. I think family is the most important thing in the world and would quite happily have my kids live next door when they get older!

I am grandparent to 1 boy 2 girls I am available not every day maybe 1 or 2 days per week then daughters can organse other side grands to help as well. Been a wonderful time to be with them, all are different. Regard myself as lucky GREG E

I get it if you dont want to commit to regular helping but I would help the odd time. My mam made it clear she was doing none had reared us. She 80s now and expects on tap help.. I do kinda think and who helped me!

I can’t wait to be a granny and be there for my family as much as possible. My daughter will need to continue with her career so will have to do a few days a week. She’s planning on having a baby in a couple of years all being well so I am getting everything sorted so I can be available any day to have my grandchild, to enjoy them and to help my daughter - I thought that’s what granny’s did! I want to be there everytime I am needed - not overstepping tho - but helping. My daughter, my grandchild, why wouldn’t I??!!

Would you question a man like this?

Of course, older women must always say yes to anything that is asked of them.

You are wrong. This is from the OP's very first post:

'As much as I’ve been very excited for grandchildren I have always made it clear that I’m not prepared to do any childcare.'

She has very clearly started that she doesn't want to do any childcare for her grandchild at all.

ETA - I've just seen you arguing with another poster that OP stating categorically that she is not prepared to do any childcare doesn't actually mean that she doesn't want to do any childcare. I'm not sure how you've come to that conclusion.

So is the child just 1 year old? Its very odd for daycare to close whole week. Is it terms time? So she will need cover all rhe shcool holidays?

One day you will become old and in need of help and company. Children and grandchildren will give you as much as you gave them.

I feel so sad your daughter she deserves better than this crap from her mother. I lost my mum to cancer but I can say 110% she would be there for me unquestionably during this kind of situation. I cared for my mum greatly in her last years of life but if you take this stance with your daughter during her time of need, don’t be surprised if this is reciprocated during your time of need when the time comes with your old age. Families are meant to show up when the going gets tough or when life derails your plans.

You're getting a lot of hateful responses - but, as a grandmother myself, I don't blame you at all. I'm sure you have good reasons for not wanting to do childcare. And, after all, you have made it very clear to your daughter that you will not be doing childcare and it was, I assume, her decision to have children, not yours.

I did do childcare - I did an afternoon a week, one night a month, a couple of days every half term (once they were at school), but this was arranged right from the start. I offered what I was prepared to do and nothing else was expected. I was, however, prepared to do the occasional day/night in an emergency IF I could. I was working and already changed my hours to manage the one afternoon a week and used my own annual leave to cover the 2 days every half term. That arrangement worked for us. She also knew that I would drop everything to help if she had to go into hospital or something similar. Now my grandchildren are in senior school and I am retired due to ill health I don't do as much, but there is an open invitation for the children to stay overnight if they want to, and if I am able to.

Only you will know your own situation, and that of your daughter, but given that you have already let her know that you won't be doing childcare, for whatever reason, on the face of it you would not be unreasonable to say no. If it was me, and I was able to do it, I think I would say yes but make it very clear that you will NOT be doing it in the future. Perhaps a child minder, rather than nursery, would be a better fit for her circumstances.

You don't see an issue with refusing to support your daughter when she needs help, but then still expecting her to support you?

You sound mean... Your poor daughter.

Wow, poor girl, and your her mother, and say you wanted Grandchildren! If she can't rely on Family for help, especially her own Mother, who can she turn to?

I have all the love in the world.
Loyal caring kind and generous.
What does that have to do with having more than just my grandchildren as my world?
I have more also.