Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

Sure OP, don’t help, as you say, when will she learn?

Here’s what she will learn: you only want to be a grandparent when it’s convenient to you, when it’s fun, on your terms. You cannot be relied upon, even when genuinely needed, as you’re not willing to show up for the hard times. Don’t be surprised then when you are elderly and need her for care, for lifts, for day to day help, if she decides to follow your example, and rejects you back. It will be too late by then to fix it.

Here’s what your grandchildren will learn: other kids grandparents care, help, and show up. But theirs is too self centred. Theirs is lazy and uninterested in them. She only wants to engage when suits her, on her terms. Therefore, don’t be surprised if they reject you back.

If you don’t show up for the hard times, you don’t deserve to enjoy the good times. Whatever the circumstances. And going back to work and navigating child care is bloody hard.

How is sitting around waiting and expecting your children to bring your grandchildren to you, to facilitate a relationship, taking an interest in your grandchildren?

Why is it expected that the effort should come from the people who are already incredibly time poor with working full time and raising young children?

Relationships are a 2 way street. Effort and interest from one side is a relationship killer.

I’m not sure what people don’t seem to understand about this.

I didnt mock anyone. However, when i see someone trying to be morally superior about their grandchildren and inferring that not thinking they are 'their world' makes them inferior then im comfortable calling that out.
Because its smug and unkind. And incorrect.

I suppose it depends on the person. I wouldn’t expect a grandparent to do regular childcare, if they offered then amazing but I certainly wouldn’t expect it and I wouldn’t feel the need to exclude them from parts of our lives because of that. If a grandparent told me they wouldn’t be doing childcare before I had the baby I’d say that’s ok, it’s my baby my responsibility. I wouldn’t have a baby with the expectation of regular help. That’s for me to sort out.
On the other side of it though if a one of need came up, as a grandparent I’d help

If you are not cancelling your own plans then I do not understand your reasoning. I know so many parents, myself included, that would not be able to cope through the school holidays without the help of both mine and my parents parents. They are alway more than happy to help and enjoy spending time with their grandchildren. My kids love depending the day with them, rather than an expensive holiday camp that they come home bored and complain about. I think you are being unreasonable not to help out from time to time if you are local!

I don’t know how you can’t see your own double standards: OP raised her kids, but her daughter is expecting OP to help her raise hers too!

OP chose to have kids: her daughter chose to have kids. OP raised her children because that was her obligation when she decided to have kids: her daughter has to raise hers because that’s HER obligation now she’s chosen to have them.

Again, this isn’t about emergencies or unforeseen circumstances: her mother didn’t do the basic job of looking at when nursery was closed. Totally foreseeable, absolute 101 of parenting. If you can change a nappy, you can ask nursery when it’s open/closed.

Tell me about! 😆

OP - you’re not expected to offer free childcare 24 hours a day 7 days a week, of course not, but with your attitude don’t be surprised when your daughter stops calling, stops visiting and your so called beloved grandkids tolerate your presence once or twice a year. But you won’t understand why 🙈 if you can even offer one day, I honestly don’t understand why you don’t.

And this is from someone whose kids have three sets of grandkids and doesn’t really get any support at all, from any of them.

This - you only reap what you sow, if you want a close relationship with your gc it's nice to help your DD and look after your gc when you can. You sound selfish OP you don't give a reason why you can't help your DD, are you not concerned that if she can't find suitable childcare she may loose her job.

I hate to say this but you are an ungrateful grandparent.. This is everything wrong with the West and Western ideology of selfishness. I am British born to South Asian parents and i will continue my parents values, which is similar to all South Asian families, which is to look after your grandchildren, they are not a burden, they are family. I can't believe you would rather watch your daughter struggle... This behaviour is so so bizarre

I raised my kids because I chose to have them - that doesn't oblige them to return the favour
To me, it is the support you offer and love you show when you aren't legally required that reveals your genuine feelings.
OP raised her kids - that was her obligation when she decided to have kids. Now she has fulfilled her legal requirement to parent she can step back, do her own thing, watch her daughter struggle but still expect support when she's old? That is transactional

But i don't think anyone is talking about zero interest in their grandchildren they are saying they don't want to or can't be regular childcare. Obviously if you went to visit your mum and she said ewww get that thing out of my house then you would have a point

I think that taking zero interest in your children’s children is definitely a relationship ruiner, despite all the nice things you did for your children, yes.

All relationships have some level of reciprocity. It makes me laugh when posters claim this isnt the case.

Right, and that’s as it should be. But what is making you think OP has done “nothing” for her daughter? Hasn’t she raised her? Hasn’t she done enough without now having to start all over again 30-ish years older?

(Nobody is forcing anyone to give up their life to care for the elderly, I don’t even see that suggested anywhere. My parents brought my grandparents to live with us the last couple of years of their lives, they paid for carers to do the heavy lifting while they worked and raised children, but they both passed “at home” surrounded by family. Because we all loved them. It was out of duty, but a willingly shouldered duty.)

How are you lot realistically planning on being childcare for what could be 10+ grandchildren with retirement age going up and the age people start having kids going up. Are you planning on quitting your jobs or just doing it for your golden child and none of your others. This could quite easily end up being about 20 + years of childcare if you want to treat all your children and grandchildren the same. Are you still planning on looking after children multiple times a week in your 80s and 90s. I don't have grandkids yet but I will not be offering regular childcare as I don't see how it would be realistic and fair between all children and grandchildren. I will absolutely help out where I can but I certainly won't be agreeing to every Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. I would also like a life to.

You sound very cold.

If she has a MIL I hope to God she is much more supportive and helpful than you are.

Are you saying no to your lovely daughter’s request just to teach her a lesson or because you have other commitments or because you just don’t want to do it. Are you in poor health.? Hard to know how to advise without knowing more of what’s going on.

It actually sounds as if you want to teach her a lesson to be more organised so that she won’t ask again. If so, I think that’s a bit harsh…not the way to help her learn.
I would ask the nursery for two copies of their calendar and stick one up on your fridge so that you can help your DD with reminders to plan ahead in future until she gets into the rhythm of life as a full time working mum.

I would also do all I could to help her with her forward thinking and time management ….and to keep her receptive to developing a bit more common sense if you feel she hasn’t got much.

It’s a massive thing to have to go back to work full time when all your senses are pulling you the opposite way from child care. I’d be tempted to allow her to lean on you a little bit. Better to be generous with child care help and guidance rather than risk pushing her away.

Has DD got anybody else she can ask other than you to care for her baby? I hate to think of the child having to be farmed out to a total stranger because she has made this mistake. It’s a very vulnerable time for them both OP.

Luckily the concept of duty has gone out of fashion - being forced to give up your life to care for elderley parents is no longer expected. There is at home support and care home provisions that do a great job and you can maintain a parent/child relationship not a parent/carer.
I don't think it is transactional, but a relationship is 2 way. Parents who do nothing for you and leave you to struggle and then demand you give up your life to care for them are unreasonable.
My parents have been there for me and I have been there for them, we are close and I will continue to provide support when they need it because we have a good relationship and I love them - not because I owe then

nothing, that’s fine. But when someone says their grandchild is their world, don’t mock them for it. It’s callous and unnecessary.

No, not at all. But if you don't help a person when they're going through a stressful life event it's going to have a negative impact on the relationship. And going back to work after mat leave of your first baby is a difficult, upsetting and stressful experience.

The OP wants her DD to learn a lesson, to become a self sufficient, independent person. The DD might learn that lesson by way of "mum isn't there for me when I'm in need" and she might not look to her mum as a reliable person in her life so much in the future. A sudden change in the established expectations of their relationship at this moment in time would feel hurtful and confusing. That might affect how she includes her mum in her life in the good times and the bad - emotional self preservation of a self sufficient, independent person.

Sure, the DD might need to rely on her mum less, maybe she is too flaky, not independent enough. I just don't think this particular moment is the right one to choose to change the established pattern of their relationship

So, if a child has been given a wonderful childhood - loving parents, given all they need and most of what they want, supported, encouraged, perhaps financially assisted through university and possibly in their young adult lives, supported emotionally and physically- but their mother/father/parents don't want to commit to doing childcare for the grandchildren, it's understandable that they should be cast aside when they're older?

All the good and wonderful things those parents did for their child, immediately negated because they don't want to commit to childcare for grandchildren?

What a horrible mindset to have.

I can't imagine being like this with my DD and DGC. If she's not organised maybe try to help her to plan ahead properly. Is the father around?

middle ground of 1 or 2 days sounds good. I can be quite black and white all Or nothing so I’m looking for middle grounds more… a full week of childcare is a lot.

Blimey if that’s you excited about something I dread to think what ‘not keen’ involves. What a grump - pretty sure the grandchild will probably do better avoiding you anyway.

….you “might reconsider in a day or two”.. you are likely only adding to her stresses..she’s a new-ish mum, now trying to get back working.
Id say she’s on the right path here, doing her best, but that she has the difficulty of a very unhelpful mum.
I get not wanting to commit to an ‘every week regular thing’, but this sounds like an unforeseen one off to me… yes, you are being unreasonable IMO