Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

Plus by the time you have grandkids your own parents suddenly start needing you more its a lot and it always seems to fall on women. Then you have adult children making threats if the grandma doesn't look after their kids whenever they want

I think it depends how you define selfish. I have friends from similar cultures to yours who have been forced to put their own plans or dreams for their later years to one side, because they are expected to take on the responsibility of providing childcare for their grandchildren. To be fair, this applies to other cultures as well. Sad to say it's usually the woman, and her own health, happiness or financial needs are viewed as dispensable. And this might be unpalatable to say but of course it can be a burden looking after loved ones - family can be a burden no matter how much you love them. My neighbour is 68, has numerous medical issues - high blood pressure, arthritis etc and has been providing near fulltime childcare for her grandchildren for the past 9 years - the youngest is 5 months old - so she has at least another 4 years to go (assuming no others arrive). Its a constant treadmill of early starts, school runs, etc . Nobody asked her, there was just an expectation from the children and her husband that when the DGC came along, she would provide childcare. The expectation is all on her - to me, that's selfish.

But like you have been told repeatedly the word childcare means different things to different people. Some people mean childcare as in replacing nursery or a nanny and babysitting as I'll help out when I can here and there but don't take the piss.

I think it depends how you define selfish. I have friends from similar cultures to yours who have been forced to put their own plans or dreams for their later years to one side, because they are expected to take on the responsibility of providing childcare for their grandchildren. To be fair, this applies to other cultures as well. Sad to say it's usually the woman, and her own health, happiness or financial needs are viewed as dispensable. And this might be unpalatable to say but of course it can be a burden looking after loved ones - family can be a burden no matter how much you love them. My neighbour is 68, has numerous medical issues - high blood pressure, arthritis etc and has been providing near fulltime childcare for her grandchildren for the past 9 years - the youngest is 5 months old - so she has at least another 4 years to go (assuming no others arrive). Its a constant treadmill of early starts, school runs, etc . Nobody asked her, there was just an expectation from the children and her husband that when the DGC came along, she would provide childcare. The expectation is all on her - to me, that's selfish.

My mum also said she would never do childcare. However, she raised 7 of us single handed after my father died (youngest was five), and worked full time. She’s also much older. I love her, respect her snd understand her decision, as to my children. The poster/op has not said why she won’t child mind but she may have very valid reasons.

I hate to say this but you are an ungrateful grandparent.. This is everything wrong with the West and Western ideology of selfishness. I am British born to South Asian parents and i will continue my parents values, which is similar to all South Asian families, which is to look after your grandchildren, they are not a burden, they are family. I can't believe you would rather watch your daughter struggle... This behaviour is so so bizarre

I hate to say this but you are an ungrateful grandparent.. This is everything wrong with the West and Western ideology of selfishness. I am British born to South Asian parents and i will continue my parents values, which is similar to all South Asian families, which is to look after your grandchildren, they are not a burden, they are family. I can't believe you would rather watch your daughter struggle... This behaviour is so so bizarre

No - the OP didn’t say regular childcare. She said any childcare.

I mentioned regular childcare because OP said she had said she wouldn’t do regular childcare and there’s quite a lot of posters who seem to think regular childcare from grandparents is expected.

Did I misread the OP? I didn't think this was about a request for regular childcare. I thought it was a request to cover a week where the child's nursery is apparently closed and the OPs daughter only learning this at the last moment, for whatever reason. The timing of this coincided with return to work after mat leave.

I wouldn't expect regular, ongoing child care from a grandparent either.

Did I misread the OP? I didn't think this was about a request for regular childcare. I thought it was a request to cover a week where the child's nursery is apparently closed and the OPs daughter only learning this at the last moment, for whatever reason. The timing of this coincided with return to work after mat leave.

I wouldn't expect regular, ongoing child care from a grandparent either.

I think you're getting a hard time OP. The way I read your posts was that the issue is DD is disorganised and unreliable and you are fed up with having to keep stepping in to sort things out. She clearly still hasn't learned the lessons. Information such as whether nursery is open or not, is so basic that any parent would check this surely? Having said that, I did raise an eye at your saying that you won't offer any childcare whatsoever. Even the most organised parent can need a helping hand occasionally - you are not obligated of course, nor should you be, but there must be a middle ground somewhere. Perhaps offer a few days on this occasion, but make it clear that she needs to check things like opening days etc in future.

You’re really grasping there 🤣🤣.
Text book twattery.

She shared the sentiment that the op’s position was selfish and difficult to understand. The majority of respondents felt the same.
She wasn’t being morally superior?!
Your comment was the unkind one and now you’re back peddling.
Anyhow, it’s Easter and I’m off to watch a film and eat chocolate.

Obviously if you went to visit your mum and she said ewww get that thing out of my house then you would have a point

That’s not the first time you have mentioned taking children to visit their grandparents:

You don't need to be childcare to have a good relationship with children people can still visit, go for days out, go on holiday.

If you have a few hours a week free for childcare then you have a few hours free a week to actually visit

My grandparents never did childcare for us and one we saw most days as was on the school run so on our way home we visited

You clearly are of the view that the key to building a good relationship with a grandparent is for the time poor parent to put the effort in and facilitate this for the grandparent.

You don’t think that grandparents should be required to put any effort into building a relationship with their own grandchildren, and that’s fine.

But others don’t see it that way. They rightly feel a lack of interest from their parents towards their own children. A lack of effort from their parents to get to know or have a relationship with their grandchildren. And that is a relationship killer because all relationships are a 2 way street.

As much as I’ve been very excited for grandchildren I have always made it clear that I’m not prepared to do any childcare. She only returned to work last week and already she’s asked me to cover next week. Supposedly she’s only just found out that the nursery is closed.

Should I agree or am I opening up the floodgates and encouraging yet more requests!

Do I say no and let her sort herself out?

I didnt mock anyone. However, when i see someone trying to be morally superior about their grandchildren and inferring that not thinking they are 'their world' makes them inferior then im comfortable calling that out.
Because its smug and unkind. And incorrect.

Why have you called her unreliable ?
You are the one who is unreliable - and unreasonable.

Where did I write sitting around waiting for grandchildren to visit

I suppose it depends on the person. I wouldn’t expect a grandparent to do regular childcare, if they offered then amazing but I certainly wouldn’t expect it and I wouldn’t feel the need to exclude them from parts of our lives because of that. If a grandparent told me they wouldn’t be doing childcare before I had the baby I’d say that’s ok, it’s my baby my responsibility. I wouldn’t have a baby with the expectation of regular help. That’s for me to sort out.
On the other side of it though if a one of need came up, as a grandparent I’d help

I don’t know how you can’t see your own double standards: OP raised her kids, but her daughter is expecting OP to help her raise hers too!

OP chose to have kids: her daughter chose to have kids. OP raised her children because that was her obligation when she decided to have kids: her daughter has to raise hers because that’s HER obligation now she’s chosen to have them.

Again, this isn’t about emergencies or unforeseen circumstances: her mother didn’t do the basic job of looking at when nursery was closed. Totally foreseeable, absolute 101 of parenting. If you can change a nappy, you can ask nursery when it’s open/closed.

How is sitting around waiting and expecting your children to bring your grandchildren to you, to facilitate a relationship, taking an interest in your grandchildren?

Why is it expected that the effort should come from the people who are already incredibly time poor with working full time and raising young children?

Relationships are a 2 way street. Effort and interest from one side is a relationship killer.

I’m not sure what people don’t seem to understand about this.