Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

and I'd never want to be a daughter who demands childcare and tries to guilt and manipulate my own mother into it by claiming that a nursery is closing for a week with apparently no warning over Easter.

No, I absolutely don’t think people are automatically entitled to childcare at all. All my children were in nursery and I never needed, or expected, that kind of childcare from them. Nor do I actually know anyone who needed or expected similar.

My husband and I both have a business, which we are incredibly busy with. We often work weekends too, and have to juggle that between the kids’ activities, play dates, family time and our own down time. My parents, however, want to see and spend time with my children more often than I have the time to visit them, and so they will arrange to take them out for the day on a weekend, have them for dinner one night, the occasional overnight etc.

The problem is though, that for some reason (on Mumsnet at least) any kind of spending time with grandchildren without the parent present, is considered childcare.

The OP said that she had made clear that she wasn’t prepared to provide any childcare for her grandchild.

It is my view that it is impossible to have a satisfactory relationship with one’s grandchild if you are not at least prepared to undertake some kind of childcare I.e. one on one time with your grandchild.

If grandparents won’t even make an effort to do that, I think it’s fair for the parents to assume a disinterest towards their children and the very real consequences of that are that the relationship will suffer.

It’s simple cause and effect.

Same as my situation! My parents benefitted from both sets of their parents offering & undertaking lots of childcare for them. My parents also got to retire early at 55 (13 years earlier than my husband and I can) - they let their parents go into homes rather than help & have said they don’t want to ‘waste any early retirement looking after their parents nor helping out with grandchildren (we have never asked for regular childcare). My mum did mention the other day though she expects my sister & I to pay & take them on holiday for their belated 60th birthdays (they have more money than us & just inherited off of my paternal grandparents- we didn’t inherit) & that she expects us to help them as they get older (they are perfectly fit and we’ll currently & both fully retired)
it seems many of their friends are the same. I get the impression the boomer generation happily accepted lots of childcare support from their parents, accepted all their inheritance, retired on full wage pensions in mid fifties & expect the spend the rest of their lives only looking after themselves & going on holiday with friends fully expecting their own children then to look after and support them when they become older & need help/company. As in my parents & parents words now they are all early 60’s - ‘but it’s us and our generation who deserve it’. - apparently no fucks given to any other generation older or younger.

for note- neither my sister or I will be providing support & we’ve told them we can’t afford to or have spare A/L to take them on holiday to a Greek island like they expect!!

I couldn’t live with myself if I were OP. I would never want to be a mother or a person like that

And was your mother able to cope with this? Not everyone can.

Completely agree with this- families help each other out, upwards & downwards. Sounds like the OP will be lonely in her older age if she goes down the ‘I only look after myself, my time is too precautionary help anyone else out’ route….

Well, I suppose that's one way of looking at it. But then, going by your previous posts on this thread, you appear to think people are automatically entitled to childcare from their parents because 'family', and aren't entitled to a relationship with them if they don't give it. And that isn't a view I share. It's perfectly possible to build a relationship between kids and their grandparents without treating one's parents as free labour.

And it's really disrespectful to assume it's easier for a grandparent to travel than for the child to be brought to them. Ideally both parties would take turns, but your post sounded like you thought because working parents are 'incredibly time poor' the effort should all come from the grandparents - who, apart from anything else, may still be working and time poor themselves. Just saying.

It isn't nice or kind to not bother to make arrangements for your own child and expect others to pick up the slack when your child is your responsibility.

You don't stop being a parent once your child becomes an adult but they are also an adult and need to take responsibility for their own child they decided to have.

Any specific reason why you don’t want to be a part in your grandkids life’s ? Seems a bit abrupt .

Are you serious?

I don’t know how your family works, but my children are part of our larger family in their own right. They’re not just my kids.

Their grandparents, aunts, uncles etc actually want a relationship with them and enjoy spending time with them. And they make the effort to do so.

“Oh sorry dear, but you chose to have children. If you want me to have a relationship with them, you’ll need to bring them to me.”

This is exactly how you destroy a relationship with your adult children. I can’t imagine my parents being that disinterested in my children. I’m not sure most people would tolerate that.

That's so not impressive hun

PLEASE proceed cautiously!! I started babysitting for my daughter and son in law when their first child was born. It was going to be “just a few days a week and mostly just in the afternoons.” By the time their second child was born, it had become 5 days each week—-12 hours each day. It was hard sometimes, but I dearly loved those children, and they loved me. But, when the children were school age, and I was no longer needed, my daughter and her family moved out of the country, and quite a distance away. It has broken my heart. I was never paid. The money I saved them enabled them to make that costly move.

No one owes. But being unkind is still very obvious. She is stepping away from helping her daughter. It’s not nice and makes her a bit of a witch in my eyes. She can CHOOSE to continue to be kind to her (adult) daughter. You don’t stop being a mother once your children reach 18

Why doesn't that apply to OP's daughter? She's made a choice in life to look after her children and no one owes her childcare.

Older childless women sure. If you’re a mother you’ve made a choice in life to look after your children.

also hun 200 + users have agreed with me ;)

Your decision of course, but from there you need to accept that you'll never really be close with your grandchildren.

Growing up, my nearest grandparents were an hour away, and the others 2 hours away. They were never more than "the nice old people we saw a couple of times a year."

As for my children now, they are very close with my parents, who are local-ish and did some childcare when the children were smaller. We saw them weekly.
And they couldn't give a rats arse about my DHs parents, who are fairly disinterested, and only see them 2 or 3 times a year. DHs' mum makes a bit more effort, seeing the kids about 3 times a year. They haven't seen DHs' dad since last July, and no plans in place to change that.

Shes not unreliable. She gad made arrangements,but the nursery had unexpectedly closed so she asked her mum to help out.

You are the children’s Gran - NOT a childminder. Remind your daughter of your previous statement about not taking on this burden. And it IS a burden, regardless of the negative posts which have been directed at you on here. Personally, I would leave your daughter to make other arrangements, but if you relent, make it abundantly clear to her that you’re unhappy and that this is an absolute one-off. Then prepare to be exhausted and playing catch up on the things you previously had in mind to do when your childminding stint comes to an end. Stay firm.

Why is it expected that the effort should come from the people who are already incredibly time poor with working full time and raising young children?

Er... because they are the ones who chose to have children?

Just a thought. 🤷‍♀️

If your daughter has only just returned to work then I’d cut her some slack. It you do decide to help, you can always make it clear that it won’t be a regular thing.

I’m not sure if by your post if you are unwilling to help with any type of childcare i.e., so parents can work as well as emergencies or having the odd day/sleepover.
Of course you are within your rights to say no to which type of childcare - or any that you are unwilling to do. However, if you’re unwilling to help at all, then be prepared for this to affect your relationship with your daughter and possible grandchild.

It’s not about the expectation that grandparents should give up their lives for their grandkids. Imagine knowing that there is no point as you can’t turn to your parent who could help you in times of (even one off) need.

I agree. I'm sure the responses would have been different if the DD had posted about her error and expectation of GM support.

She's unreliable for not bothering to arrange childcare for her own DC and then expecting her DM to step in to remedy her mistakes.

Yes because you saw her for A WEEK or TWO on regular basis. You think the OP will want to spend two weeks with her grandchild? 😂😂😂

Whereas in my culture, parents automatically assume childcare if you want it. Infact, some are offended if you're struggling and you didn't let them know. Even when they're working, running their own businesses, they're willing to take time off, or pay for help out of their own pockets.
This culture of individualism is a lot to deal with and yet we complain of "becoming the minority". How will that not happen when the younger generation are not supported enough to raise children, when they often have to choose between procreating and been able to make ends meet?

It's sad.

Say no and let her sort herself out and she won't make the same "mistake" again!