Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

on this occasion i would be flexible and say you can do 50% of it as you have plans and cannot change them
if she kicks off, retract the lot.

i've never relied on family for childcare, they get the best bits not the crap - they offer and i accept, never expect

and this ladies and gentlemen, is a prime example of the death of the family.

I’m going to project for a moment. I am aware I don’t know OP’s circs. But I see this all the time and always think the same:

I spent more time at my Nana’s (mums mum) growing up than I did at home. After school, school hols, even some weekends. We had such a close and nurturing relationship. I’ve never felt such full, whole, limitless love and fun than I did from her. Unconditional.

My own mother is the same as this OP. Despite benefiting from years of free childcare for me (she didn’t even work, she was a SAHM 😂) she won’t provide any babysitting. Not an evening so we can go out for a meal, not an hour so I can go to the supermarket alone. No back story, no arguments, no SEND or health needs on either side, no behavioural issues. Just selfishness.

I hope I can be half as good of a Nana to my grandchildren one day, as the Nana I had was. Those moments are golden and what life is all about.

Stand your ground.

I’ve no grandchildren yet but like you I wouldn’t do regular childcare, though I would help out in an absolute emergency. In this case I’d compromise and do a couple of days but make it clear it’s not to become the norm and she has to make alternative arrangements when nursery is closed

I think you're perfectly within your rights to refuse to help with childcare. It isn't an obligation.

But likewise, your dd will be perfectly within her rights not to provide support for you when you are older. Because that won't be an obligation either.

In my opinion, families work best when they help each other. And most people reap what they sow. But if you're happy with that, then do as you wish!

So your issue is that it’s short notice?

What if she asked if you could look after your grandchild for… a weekend in July, so she could go away. Would you do it? Because you gave the impression in your OP that you have decided that you will never help her with childcare. If that’s the actual case, then be prepared to have a very bad relationship with her and with your grandchildren.

I would help her out for half the week but expect her partner or other grandparents to do the other half. I think you are getting a hard ride here OP. Not everyone wants or is able to look after grandchildren. I have looked after my 2 grandsons since the oldest was 1. Hes 7 now and the youngest is 4 and it is very tiring, even just doing 2 days a week. You've made it clear to her that you won't be childcare.

How nearby are you to your daughter and grandchild?

Well, it's up to you of course OP. But if it was me I would do this for my DD.

I spent half my childhood with my grandparents and out of all the grandchildren, I’m the only one who took the time as an adult to visit them.
I learned things from them that my parents couldn’t teach me - or maybe that I refused to learn. I loved them so much. ❤️
But it broke my heart when they asked me to tell them what my siblings and cousins were doing.

Sounds like you’re headed down this road, @AyiaNanna— I don’t recommend it.

Did your parents, or her dad’s parents ever do childcare for you guys?

It isn’t your responsibility or “job” to do childcare but it’s sort of…. Selfish and not very family oriented to completely refuse any. Nurseries being shut over Easter week can be a surprise when it’s your first year there. Some only shut for Christmas, some shut lots. Things happen with kids, emergencies and plans go wrong. If you’re going to completely refuse to help your daughter with any childcare then just be prepared for her to refuse anything for you. And to end up with a superficial relationship.

Families help each other.

Is it all of next week or just Monday and Tuesday?

I think op it's your choice ultimately what you want to do. You haven't really given us any context to go on as to why you don't want to provide any childcare so I'm trying not to judge. But I know that my son benefits a lot from a positive and regular relationship with his grandparents as do all children. And as a lone parent I also know I wouldn't be able to sustain employment if my parents weren't willing to step in on the days nursery is closed or ds is sick. I obviously do as much as I can with annual leave and flexi time or working from home but it doesn't cover everything. My grandparents did this for my parents and I fully intend on doing this for ds if he ever has kids. It takes a village to raise children and more parents are struggling now because that village is getting much smaller.

What's your rationale behind your decision and what are your dds circumstances like? Is the child's father/other parent involved? The other set of grandparents? How often do you see your dgc?

Doesn’t bode well if she and baby’s dad can’t even be organised a week in. I do think if you agree this time she’ll take it as a green light to take the piss.

You sound like my mum. 😂

A whole week of childcare is a lot. Is the nursery really shut for the whole week or just Monday?

Is there anyone else who could do some of the days? The other set of GP’s, Aunties, Cousins, Friends, lots of people will have taken time off work to look after their kids for the school holidays……

I would offer to do two days and tell DD she needs to find others for the other days or she’ll have to take emergency parental leave, unpaid or out of her holiday allowance. If you do the whole week then yes she will do this again.

In all reality, what else is her options?
She's just returned to work, so she can't take time off.
Her arranged childcare is unavailable.

Without a massive drip feed you are being unreasonable.

Wow, I seriously appreciate my mum so much more after seeing this

She’s booked child into a term time only nursery then? If so then yes I’d be tempted to he ‘ill’ next week. If it’s genuinely a one off and the nursery is shut for some unforeseen reason I’d do it.

Do you work or have other responsibilities like caring for elderly parents?

Why have you called her unreliable ?
You are the one who is unreliable - and unreasonable.

I wouldn’t be offering round the clock cover but in an emergency surely? If you never want them at all, are you happy enough not to be close to them?

How is she unreliable though? You haven’t offered much context. If this is the first thing she’s asked for then YABU, she’s a new parent navigating the hell that is childcare and it’s easy not to realise nursery is closed for the week when she’s brand new to it! Give her a break, unless this is going to be a huge drip feed.

Misery

A week at no notice?! That's a huge ask. I'd absolutely understand you saying you couldn't - though I also see that she's in a very difficult position. How about offering some days/half days?

You'd be doing nothing wrong if you just said you absolutely couldn't, though.