Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

I've just gone thru hell to try and take on my Grandchild in a view to adopting him in the future. I've given up my job for him and I would do it a million times over for any of my future grandkids .

This is just what you do for your family isn't it?!

I didn't realise you stopped being a parent when they become 18 and leave them stranded in the big world.

Help your family out jeez!!! I bet you'll be wanting her to come visit you in your oap home or even help you when you're too old to do things yourself.. If I was your daughter I would turn my back on you the way you are on her!!!

You are family. If you want a fractured relationship with her and your grandchildren then go ahead.

A week - absolutely not. Why is nursery closed and how did she not know?

I’d suspect her of testing to see if you love your week so much you offer some of your time.

My PIL are aren't I a position to ever help with childcare and they have a great relationship with our children. I think if you can help her out for a few days then that's kind of you, but you certainly shouldn't feel obliged to.

I genuinely cannot imagine ever being in a situation where my child phoned me up and said 'i'm struggling can you help please?' And I didn't drop everything to help them.

Why would any mother sit back and watch her own daughter struggle with anything ?

Im so confused. I feel so sorry for your daughter. I would ask for context but what could possibly justify that.

@gardenNC I have this mother too. Recently... Shes started to need care. She is starting to be nervous of driving. She's always been closer to my older brother. Minded his kids all the time. But mine... No! Apparently she had already agreed to mind DBs, and felt duty bound. But do you think it's DB being asked to ferry her to appointments? And there's comments along the lines ' it's not right for a son to care for a mother, that's a daughters privilege '.

I can see why you wouldn't want to help. It sounds like she has chosen a term time nursery or opted for a term time only place. Fine is she and her partner (not sure if there is one) are going to cover these weeks but if they are always going to be stuck and need help then I can see why you don't want to get caught up now in being available.
I would probably do it this time as it's unlikely she will find anything else, but if it happens at half term then I would make myself unavailable.

Don't shoot yourself in the foot by trying to teach your daughter a lesson. The only relationship that will suffer is the one with your grandchild.

I don't 'rely' on my mum and mil for childcare but they both come one day a week and have an absolutely amazing relationship with my kids.

My grandparents never looked after me, I saw them for lunch occasionally or the odd visit to their house with my parents. As a result, we literally had no relationship.

That’s awful. I would be very low contact with a mother like that.

It is up to you. However, do you actually want to maintain a relationship with your daughter and grandchildren? Because this is exactly the way to make sure you only see them 1-2 times a year.

If you meant it, then stick to it. Personally I find that pretty awful, but if you don’t want to do any babysitting then you need to tell her what you’ve said previously. Just don’t wonder later down the line why your daughter & her family don’t bother visiting you.

It's not unusual, it'll be a term time nursery.

My mother has never had either of my kids apart from one time when she turned up to visit unannounced and I was being sent to the hospital, she watched my DD for 45 minutes until dp got home, she then went home immediately and never even text to ask how I was. We've been nc 7 years now. She reminds me of you. Have fun in the future where the grandchildren you're so excited for, never see you.

It's unusual for nurseries to be shut for a whole week after Easter.

I wouldn't give a flat no, but I would reiterate that you have told her you don't want to provide full time childcare. I'd want to have a chat about what other options she has explored (e.g. sharing the childcare between other family members rather than expecting you to do it all) and I'd also want to check what other times of year the nursery shuts and her plans for covering those.

yep! Grim

Do you mean you wont watch your grandkids, ever? I would never expect my mum to do childcare regularly but she would never ever leave me in the lurch if I needed her in an emergency or as a one off, same as my gran did for her. I feel very lucky my mum is how she is after reading how others are.

😂

You’re within your rights to do what you like, but you of course shouldn’t then expect that your daughter will take you to doctor’s appointments or sort out any other arrangements for you when you’re older

I am so glad neither my mum or my MIL is like you. Sorry but you sound truly cold hearted.

I think I'd stand firm. She needs to be more organised, at least give more notice than what, it's for Monday? Where's the dad/nct friends/other family/in-laws?

Where’s the child’s father? Where her father? Why are you the only one she’s asking? Has she tried to take annual or parental leave?

You know her better than we do. If you think this was always the plan then I wouldn’t cover the whole week as she’ll just keep carrying on like this.

FWIW, you’re posting and getting a very hard time. If she was posting saying she hadn’t bothered to check when her childcare was closed so she was expecting you to do the whole week there’d be just as loud a response from people on here telling her not to be so entitled, that you’re allowed your own life, no one’s entitled to free childcare and as a parent she needs to be more organised.

What are your reasons for not helping out with child care? I would 100% jump at the chance to do this for my dd, however, I get the feeling I’ll still be working full time when dd has dcs ☹️

I think it would be better all round if you weren't involved.

I am assuming she is an adult and still does this so she probably won't learn now. I think you can ask her if there is nobody else .to.watch them, i would do it this time but I think you have to tell her and be firm if you don't want to baby sit.