Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

I hope you told her that you've agreed to ferry partners/husbands parents around and are therefore duty bound to only help them.

That sounds really difficult for you. Do you still have a relationship with your mother? I would completely re-think the relationship I had with her and pull right back. She sounds horribly selfish and uncaring.

YABVU
This reminds me of an elderly disabled grandmother (badly need of a double hip replacement) who helped out picking up her DGC from primary school when their parents were stuck. It’s relevant that she lived circa 10 miles away.

The other grandmother who was 100% fit and lived less than 1 minute away from the school (house literally nextdoor to school), refused to pick them up, and made sure they went away with their caravan every single school holiday. She was a horrible woman imo.

Hmmm, given the way this is written, I suspect it may be a reverse.

However, having dealt with piss taking family members (in a different situation), I think setting and maintaining clear boundaries is really important. I have some relatives who if you agree to do them a favour once, seem to think that is now "your job", and you'll be expected to do it forevermore. Only you know if your DD (or you) are that kind of piss taker.

You haven't written why you won't be babysitting your grandkids ever, whether it's because you work, or just can't be bothered-which is fine, your choice.

Teaching someone a lesson is for children, 'how will she ever learn' doesn't apply to adults.

I can’t imagine not wanting to have my dgc. I love having them when I can.

If she only started using the nursery last week when she returned to work, she probably wasn't aware that the nursery would be closed for a week over Easter.

She needs to check when the nursery is closed for the rest of the year and make other arrangements for childcare on those days.

You say that you've been excited about having grandchildren but have told your daughter that you won't be offering any help with childcare from the very beginning. That doesn't sound like excitement to me as it's very negative. What are you expectinng from the relationship with your grandchild?

Unreliable daughter? Nope! Mother (by her own admission) who cannot be relied on? Yes!

So she hasn't organised child care and wants you to cover an entire week at less than a week's notice. I would say no. She clearly doesn't respect you and will be constantly testing your boundaries. Once she understands and appreciates that it is unreasonable for her to expect you to look after her child and that she should be grateful for any help, then you might feel able to help her out when you can. It's amazing how on Mumsnet it's all about how women shouldn't have to do all the childcare within a marriage, but when it comes to posters' own mothers suddenly feminism is out the window. Seems like mothers are still expected to help with daughter's childcare.

In a few years she'll be writing a post 'I never get to see my grandkids!'

You are well within your rights to say no, it’s your life. But remember these choices have consequences, if you can help I’m sure she would appreciate it. Would you feel good knowing she’s just back to work and already struggling and you’re choosing not to help?

I hope you're not expecting visits or care when you're elderly. My grandparents were very involved. They never needed formal care because they had their children and grandchildren rally round to support them when needed. We were all there because we had close bonds and they had always been there for us. It's sad how so many families aren't like that in our society anymore. So much reliance on adult social services and state funded childcare because people don't support their own families.

Maybe she knows her daughter better than any of us do? Maybe that's her daughter's modus operandi? I had a friend like this who would start with needing help in an "emergency", then try to make that help permanent when the emergency was well past. She did this with everyone, until people realised her manipulative tricks.

Help out but see how the land lies going forward. It may be a genuine one- off mistake.

Yes, as others have said, be careful. Both my parents are dead, but my FIL never babysat for us once (in 18 years) even though he only lived a 5 minute walk away. When the boot was on the other foot and he needed care, he understood the position. Similarly, my MIL (they were divorced), overnight once every 6 months, even though just a 30 minute drive, she also understands the position.

I don’t think you should feel obliged to help if you don’t want to. I think it’s unfair that people have kids and expect free childcare whenever they demand it. If people WANT to help, that’s different but baby sitting for a whole week is very different to the odd evening.
For context, we had no family to help out ever with baby sitting. My mother wouldn’t help and my DS’ dad’s family don’t live in this country. We managed.

OP obviously hides it well 😉

It's your choice but don't be surprised when your daughter starts making choices too.

I would be double checking she hasn't booked a term time nursery and is expecting you to cover every school holiday last minute...

I would never watch my DD struggle but I do think context is important here.

They would have known that the nursery was closed and chose not to find reliable childcare, maybe hoping that OP would have no choice but to do it.

We don’t know if OP works and how this is going to impact her week.

The baby also has a dad and he probably has parents too and so I can understand OP being frustrated if she’s the only one having to drop everything.

You are technically correct in that you are not obligated to your daughter, but neither is she obligated to help you out when you are old.
Neither my mother or my MIL have done anything for me or my husband beyond what they were legally obligated to do (I.e feed, clothe and house us until the age of 18), and unsurprisingly we’re keeping our distance now that they are getting old.
Unless there is a massive drip feed, I’d help her out on this occasion, and remind her that she has to plan ahead going forward.

of course you should help her out in an emergency thats what family are for.

Think long and hard about the type of relationship you want to have with your children and grand-chidren in the future OP.

I hope she doesn’t help you out when you’re old

I would not raise anyone else’s child but I wouldn’t think twice about helping out.

I would say I am not available for regular childcare, I would not judge you for that.
But if I didn’t work then I’d absolutely tell my DD that I’d be willing to do the first couple of weeks childcare so she didn’t have to worry about dropping them off at nursery for a few days.

I do understand your frustration.
Assuming you work and have booked the week off, the last thing you want to do is spend all day every day babysitting.
Its also frustrating that her DH doesn’t take the time off to look after his own child.

However, I would help this one time but plan to go away for the next holidays.

i thank my lucky stars for my parents who would jump at the chance to support me but mostly at the chance to spend time with their grandchildren. My children adore them. Their relationship is beautiful.

More fool you.