Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

Yes, I’m sure people are falling over themselves to spend hours every week visiting their parents who would begrudge them a couple of hours of downtime, or the ability to do the food shop without a child in tow.

I’m a GM, complete opposite to you, and would feel honoured and love this.

I have a 3yo and a 1yo and my husband and I both work full-time. Without the support of our parents (mainly mine, but my MIL is also very willing to help as needed!) we would be extremely stressed managing the frequent illnesses that come with nursery. They'll also babysit for us if we ask (not very often, maybe every 6-8 weeks so we can have an evening out or see friends etc)

My parents also, by choice, collect the kids early from nursery one afternoon a week to take them out to lunch and spend time together until we get home from work. We still pay for 5 full days as they do have medical appointments etc as they're getting older and I never want them to feel obligated or under pressure with providing regular childcare.

I say all of this to explain how amazing their support is both for me and my work life, and for my kids. The relationship they're developing is amazing and nothing like I had with my own grandparents. My relationship with them has definitely improved since having kids.

I think it's ok to have boundaries regarding notice (in the event of closures, not really possible for illnesses!), and if you genuinely have plans then obviously no one would expect you to cancel. But I'd think long and hard about the type of relationship you want to have going forward with your daughter and grandchild.

This is sad to read, if you can help out I don’t know why you wouldn’t. Are you not very maternal or do you have the mindset of ‘I’ve done my time’.. I’d be truly lost without my mum’s support. She helps out with school runs, encourages me and my partner to have child free time every now and then and I will absolutely do the same if my children decide to have kids.

I don’t know any family that has the grandparents looking after the children 5 days a week…and I know many people!

I would imagine she would feel like she's raised a manipulative, spoilt brat of a daughter

Maybe this damages your relationship and you get little time with the grandchild. How would you feel then?

Then you don't know many people

I visited one nanny once a month on a Saturday afternoon and loved to see her, I remember her making me sugar sandwiches and we all hung out together in her living room.

I saw my other nanny and grandad slightly less but for the whole day and Boxing Day was always at their house. I remember it being a big deal when they went abroad for the first time and they bought all my cousins and myself a present from Spain. Then sadly my nan died. I then remember visiting my DGD who had a dog and my DGD and I used to take him for walks. We had a very special bond and a shared love of fitness.

This!

I can honestly say that the look of delight on my grandchildren’s faces when they see Grandma is something that I wouldn’t swap for anything.
I have helped with childcare fairly regularly since newborn but always with the understanding that if I cannot help,everyone is cool about it.
My daughter and SIL are very appreciative . It is tiring but I will only help when it works for me. I do expect advance notice but obviously sometimes if baby spikes a temperature at nursery I will go and collect if I am nearby.

If you have a few hours a week free for childcare then you have a few hours free a week to actually visit

I’ve never known anyone who has grandparents “raising” their children 5 days a week.

But i don't need to have a relationship that's on par or better then the child's parents its not my kid. I have a very close relationship with all my nieces and nephews as I spend a lot of time with them, they grew up with my kids but I certainly didn't need to look after them without their parents there 5 days a week to achieve this

Disagree.

Most people don’t have time to visit/plan days out with grandparents that regularly, nor do they have enough annual leave to spend holidays with them regularly either.

Having your grandchild for a couple of hours a week, or on the weekend, to spend some time with them, isn’t exactly putting your life on hold to parent again. Actively wanting to and actually spending time with someone is how you build a relationship.

I love having my grandaughter when nursery is closed. She’s and absolute joy. I like to help my daughter and son in law too. I don’t do regular childcare but help out in such circumstances. I did it this for one day and rh other grandparents did the other day.

When my aunt’s oldest son had a baby my aunt was very black and white like this - she told everyone she wasn’t doing any childcare - said it over and over again. I remember visiting just after the baby was born and her daughter in law kept saying we get the message, don’t worry we won’t ask.

and they never did. The kids are now in their teens and barely know my aunt and she complains all the time about not being close to them, and the other grandparents (who did all the childcare) now get all the kids attention.

You have kids you raise them, other people are not going to do your job.
Put off my free or spare time to babysit flat out no, no reason needed.

Odd day is fine. Hard to say 5 day care is hard my friend is worn out some weeks. My mam never helped out had reared us. It was hard but just had to manage... Op is it odd cover or more regular childcare?

I think you are getting a hard time. I have seen so many of my friends use their parents as free child care and the grandparents don't have a minute to themselves run ragged and then there resentment builds up. you get lots of posts here mumsnet saying to patents that they are not entitled to free childcare and should arrange proper paid childcare.
in this case though i would give your daughter benefit if doubt a bit given only back to work and child just started childcare. you need to talk to her to see does she have a list of closing dates for the nursery for rest of year and has she factored this in with either paying for a childminder taking annual leave parental leave etc for those days. you don't mention her partner ? is there not one around ? or do you work still yourself?
I agree with offering 2 days for next week. in our family we have paid childcare however family is asked for emergency and for weddings etc. for the later we know in advance so it's planned emergency is for when kids sick and parents can't take time off work for example. it doesn't happen often but it does happen
however I am of the opinion you can have a bond with your grandchild by spending time with both parent and grandchild with lunches time in park or zoo - not just being a babysitte

This is very true. I still had a relationship with my granny who we just visited from time to time. But it was nothing like the relationship I had with my aunt (same age as my granny) who did loads of childcare for my parents as we grew up. She's absolutely a big part of the reason why I'm the person I am today. My happiest childhood memories are from being at her house.

You can still have a good relationship but it's naieve to think it will be on the same level if someone is less hands on than someone else.

But this is what some people seem to expect. Parents go back to full time work and barely change their lives and suddenly grandparents are raising the kids 5 days a week for years

Your daughter is an adult now so it’s unlikely she will stop being last minute and flakey, probably should have been addressed when she was younger. She might get a bit of a kick up the arse in motherhood, but don’t expect big change now.

You’re within your rights to say no, but you can’t complain when you grandchild prefers their paternal grandparents or your DD doesn't want to help you out when you’re old.

😂 good one. Did I hope for some help? Yes. Absolutely. Did I want them to raise my children? No.

Entirely reasonable to not provide childcare. It certainly shouldn't be a conversation that's necessary after a birth except when someone has unexpectedly fallen pregnant. The thinking about logistics is a big part of a decision to have children. That might sound terribly cold, but parenting is 99% practicalities and 1% running in the sun with ice creams. This romantic idea that grandparents are all misty eyed about looking after kids again is unrealistic and entitled. (I equally am carefully making plans for proper care should I need it, that's my self responsibility).