Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

Neither myself or DH do any childcare

DH son is on baby number 3 and didn’t even bother asking the other grandparents if they are happy to look after baby number 3

they just assumed they would as they did with baby’s number 1-2 but they have said no

it’s caused huge family rows as they can’t get childcare for baby no 3 and we refuse to get dragged into childcare for the next 5 years or so

My parents happily relied on grandparent help a lot when I was little, so would be very hypocritical indeed to refuse any help. Thankfully they are equally as involved with my kids, ditto my in-laws. I really feel for those with zero parental help, looks like they have a very different experience of parenting to those who do have a supportive family network.

But thats completely different to expecting regular childcare. I will be saying no to my children to. I'm not commiting to regular childcare on set days

Only on birthdays/special occasions as they just weren't interested unfortunately

We are retired ( mid 60s) and don't do childcare for dh's gc. In an emergency yes but never overnight and never all 3 together.
We take the 2 older ones out usually 1 day in each holiday.

I shouldn’t be because I plan on creating a family unit, the same way my Nan who I talk to every day did for me when I was a kid. That’s why I think it works both ways, you remember who sacrificed their time for you and you pay it back.

So you’re entitled to your life and not being of any help during a big life moment like when your kids become parents - but your kids should bend over backwards when you need help? Seems bloody selfish to me.

Couldn't agree more! All my grandparents died when I was a child but my parents still had that village with my aunts and uncles, I spent school holidays etc round at my aunts every single week day until I was old enough to look after myself yet I had no village when I had my children, didnt have a single night off! Mine are 21, 17 and 15 now ( I'm 42 this year) and if im ever lucky enough to be a grandma I will be that village for my kids whenever I possibly can

But the grandparents have already brought up children once. So you're complaining that they are not going to care for the grandchildren too while mum's at work? Like a full time unpaid job when older and more knackered?

And I also have a great relationship with my mum as I've never emotionally blackmailed her.

I also have a great relationship with my mum, and I’ve never emotionally blackmailed her either, and she loves spending time with my children, taking them on days out, having them for dinner and or the occasional overnight. They have a great relationship.

I guess some of us are just lucky to have more supportive parents than others who actively want to spend time with their grandchildren, and make the effort do so.

Reading these threads always reminds me how lucky I am to have my mum.

And my children were in nursery full time.

I despair of ppl like you ,,,is life not hard enough without parents being like this 😩 . Will it massively affect your life to help out form time to time FFS ,,theirs a difference to relying in you to asking a favour here and their . Use your braincells .

Well, if you think it's 'perfectly reasonable' all I can say is I hope you're not alone and neglected when you're old.

Did you never visit your parents with your kids?

God this is so sad.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable.

You could say your kids are also entitled to a life of their own when they’ve raised their own kids (without your help when you lived your life) and shouldn’t be stuck dealing with you as an old person in need of help. Works both ways to me.

So presuming mum and daughter were ticking along nicely enough until the baby came along, you expect the daughter to stop talking to her mum because of not offering weekly childcare?

Tbh, that would be appalling of the daughter.

Nurseries strike last minute. So do schools. Some things u find out last minute. It’s the first time. Give her a chance. All for grandparents not being unpaid childminders but sometimes genuinely things happen. Don’t be A dick. If she’s going to take the piss u will soon find out and u can rightly put her straight.

That's a disgusting thing to say. They're two separate scenarios.

The entitled mentality from some on this thread is quite an eye-opener. Parents are not obliged to sacrifice everything for their children even after said children are adults. They're entitled to a life of their own too.

It’s really sad that for my generation we spent so much time with our grandparents and they provided a village. Most of my friends had close relationships with their grandparents..

Now the same generation who had a village around them don’t want to offer anything and say “your kids not my problem”. My own Mother relied on my Nan during all the holidays, school runs, sickness etc and is absolutely nowhere to be seen with my own kids.

5 days a week unpaid is a lot I grant you, but to say no outright to everything seems quite cold to me. Just don’t expect the same courtesy and help if you become old and infirm. I think families are about give and take and it saddens me that we’ve become like this when it used to be a village effort.

My parents were like this, which was their choice. I never had a night off until my kids were old enough to look after themselves (they are 21, 17 and 15 now) the result is they have no relationship with my parents at all now as they didn't get to know them or spend any time with them and I have the closest of relationships with my children. I think they regret this now but its too late. I plan to be the polar opposite of my parents if im ever blessed enough to be a grandmother

Oh my gosh I feel so lucky having my mum after reading this. You don’t want to spend time with the grandkids you have so looked forward to, so you can teach your daughter a lesson? Who needs enemies….

I can’t understand your attitude I really can’t. I am a nana to a 6, 4 and 1 year old, I have always helped out when needed as I adore my grandchildren and love having them. My daughter works and I have the 1 year old on a wedding but obviously things come up so if I can I help unless it’s something I can’t change. I know not all grandmothers are maternal so to speak but believe me grandchildren are a joy !

Do whatever you want to do OP. Don't let the entitled attitudes get you down.
Not everyone wants to give endless childcare and that's ok, just as ok as those who want to.

I think too there is a world of difference in being asked to care endlessly while mums are at work than offering to babysit so parents can go out occasionally or in emergencies.

All these people saying grandparents providing childcare = grandparents close to grandchildren are mental 😂

My parents made it very clear they wouldn’t be providing any childcare at all, that they only wanted the fun bits. And they did get only the fun bits!! It was fun for all - the children, the parents (who got the odd half free day here and there) and the grandparents! My PILs were much younger and INSISTED on having the DC for a week or two each summer. Both DC got so, so bored that by the time they were tweens they started saying they hated going there… and now they see each other four or five days per year.

Grandparents have done the hard yards. And,
come ON, how disorganized are you to not realise your childcare provider will be closed?? The very first thing you do as a working parent is check holidays, bank holidays, your leave entitlement, the other parent’s days off, inset days etc etc. How else can you do your job if you don’t have childcare sorted? It’s like expecting to cook a meal without having gone supermarket shopping. Bonkers.

You can of course say no, but have to accept that this will have an impact on your relationship with her, and that she may well choose to place reciprocal hard limits on any support you might hope for from her as you become older.

Possibly you don't expect any - maybe your relationship with her does not involve mutual help and support, and if so that's fine.

If I am lucky enough to become a grandmother, I have always said I am happy to give as much support and help with childcare as I can/my daughter needs. Frankly I would love to!

Equally, I hope that as I age my daughter will, within reason, be happy to do things to support me.

My elderly father recently passed. He had severe dementia for the last 10 years of his life, and went from being a fiercely independent, proud man, to someone who needed support from his family for the basics of survival. After my mother, I was his main carer.

He didn't plan to need this help, but he needed it, I gave it. I sincerely hope never to burden my daughter with even a fraction of the caring responsibilities I picked up - but none of us have a crystal ball.

You see what I am saying.

I think it depends how close you are as a family and how close you live to each other. My kids see my mum a couple of times a week as we live close to each other and they have a great relationship. And I also have a great relationship with my mum as I've never emotionally blackmailed her.