Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

She is an adult with her own family; she is the person you raised her to be. Asking "when will she ever learn" is surely a bit redundant at this stage, also a bit infantalising.

I have one grandchild (11 yoa) who I love to bits, and we really enjoy each others' company. I'm so happy to step in in an emergency and have her for an afternoon, a day, a week, whatever. She's old enough now to discuss the news and we watch certain shows together, I take her shopping for clothes every few months and we make a day of it with lunch.

If you're happy with an arms length relationship then do refuse to give any help OP but I promise you, you'll be missing out.

I think as parents we need to empathize with our children more especially when it comes to childcare in such circumstances. Mothers with young children are already going through a lot as it is and she may not be able to get someone else willing to cover childcare just for a week.

So are you quitting your job when you have grandchildren?

It’s a huge ask. Looking after young children is exhausting and your daughter should be spreading the load.

I also have no interest in being the “regular” childcare for grandchildren when I’m older. I’ll help with occasional babysitting of course but I’m not doing it all again.

Not prepared to do any childcare? None at all?

Okay, you're right. Let's say I'm hoping it's a fake thread, for the sake of the OP's relationship with her GCs.

I'm sure they will visit each other and have the same relationship they had before just because you would suddenly hate your mum for not offering childcare most people aren't like this. I don't think op has said she won't ever look after her gc I think she is saying she doesn't want dragging into expected childcare on a regular basis its her dd first week back at work and she's already needing her mum to step in

You need to talk like adults and find out what has gone wrong with the nursery and if it's that bad can she take unpaid leave or can yuh help as a one off if you not working and if not is there other childcare she can use...the library normally holds the list of childminders etc. Can you signpost to to childcare if you can't help her.

You don’t sound very excited OP about your grandchildren.

My parents looked after both of my children up until they went to Secondary & even now they go to their grandparents and are always checking in to see how they are.

I never had any childcare costs and we were also able to go away as a couple each year as my parents would have them all the time if they could.

Will I be on hand for my grandchildren every single time……wild horses couldn’t keep me away! As I will get to see them grow up & be able to do so much with them. If I can help make life easier for my children and their families then that is what I will be doing. Plus I get to have all the fun & hand them over in the evening 😉

It’s hard enough for young families nowadays why would you not……..

Why would it be a fake thread or reverse?

OPs DD sounds highly irresponsible and why should OP drop everything because her DD chose to have a baby.

Why can’t the dad take time off?
Or even offer to split the week between both sets of grandparents?

Why does it all fall to OP and then she’s the bad one for not dropping everything at the last minute?

I would politely disagree. Most of my own friends (35 onwards) have/have strong relationships with grandparents and our working parents used grandparents a lot for after school, school holidays and nights out. I think family units were stronger in previous generations and I wasn’t raised when SAHMs were the norm.

I respect not wanting to do 5 days a week but OP is making a point of not wanting to do anything. see it all the time on here now and its such a weird flex to not want to help out your family in my opinion.

But it’s still childcare. And the OP has said she isn’t willing to do any childcare, regular or otherwise.

Assuming the OP’s daughter (like most people) doesn’t have the time to spend “most days” or even a few hours a week sitting in her mother’s house, I am wondering how the OP envisages building a relationship with the grandchild she was so excited about.

I would do a day or two at the very most if there is truly no other option but not all week. If it is a term time only nursery then she needs to either find a year round nursery or get on the waiting lists if they are full.

I find it hard to believe that she didn't know they were closed next week.

If you can help why wouldn't you?

Gosh! That's a leap.

I’m going to go one step further and say this is prime example of a generation of women who never stopped and considered if they actually wanted children, they just went ahead and had them, despite many of them not having a maternal bone in their body. Society norms, peer pressure, no other obvious options, whatever led to women being mothers automatically.
They neglected all but their children’s basic needs, and farmed them out to their own parents and other family members, friends, neighbours, the streets, each other, whoever.
Fast forward 20 years and they see their now adult daughters having options in life, having careers, having balanced adult relationships, having money and nice things, and they literally hate them and will do anything to put them down and make their life harder because they can’t stand to see them doing ok in life.

Well, the OP has since said she may do a little as an emergency.
But no, I would say that this expectation of weekly care of grandchildren is a fairly 'new' thing because before mums stayed at home. It was common for my generation and previous for grandparents to just be grandparents, not carers.

It's only since mums have had to work to pay the ever increasing bills has childcare been such an issue for so many families.

Why are some people acting as though needing help from others is some sort of weird personal failure?!

Yes, I need help from my parents with my children at times. No, I don't feel entitled to it - I'm actually extremely grateful. I'm also a fully responsible adult and mother. I'd cope and survive without the help, but thankfully I have a few people around me who care and actually want to support me and try to make my life a bit easier where they can.

Also, I think there's a BIG difference between ad hoc childcare / babysitting (which BTW is what the OP's thread is actually about!) versus regular or even full-time care of small kids - I can completely understand not wanting that level of commitment when you finally have some freedom back in retirement etc.

Excuse me, braincells?
Some people don't want to take grandchildren on and it's perfectly alright.
It's their own life.
Choosing themselves probably means they have far more braincells than certain others.

That's a shame and yes your parents may regret it indeed.. But I don't see the OP saying she'd not see them at all, or babysit etc. Just not want to be a full time carer. She seems to like her daughter so I imagine she will help in other ways.

My grandma lived with us from when I was around 11 years old. She was a horrid person and I had no relationship with her either, not for want of trying from me as a kid. So being in the same house/spending hours together didn't do much!

I think refusing to help in a true emergency is cruel. What if she and her husband were rushed to the hospital? Would you take the children or would you risk them going with social services?

Aside from that extreme situation, are you really never willing to cover an odd day? The odd school closure day planned well in advance? A sick day when both parents have huge meetings? Just a few hours on their wedding anniversary so they can enjoy a nice meal?

An entire week at the last minute is too much. That is something they should have planned around. I do understand why you don’t want to come to the rescue. I would just make your general policy clear.

Why has she chosen a term time nursery if she needs year round care?

I think some of the replies you’ve hard have been awful, OP.

There is way too much pressure on grandparents to provide childcare nowadays. It’s clearly something that a lot of parents just expect and that is unreasonable.

You mustn’t feel pressured. Only offer if you feel able, available and are happy to do it. But you must make it clear to your daughter this wouldn’t be a regular thing. I imagine at some point that you will have to say no, if your daughter is as unorganised as you say.

I’m a grandparent and most people around my age are still working full time. How on earth is a grandparent expected to provide a full week of childcare, at the last minute, with their own job happening. Also, we’re getting older! It’s hard work looking after kids when we’re no longer spring chickens.

Relationships are give and take. Don't help if you don't want to but don't expect people to help you when you need it.

You should do what you want but don’t feel surprised or disappointed if she starts cutting you off from the “fun” things involving your grandchildren in the future.

What like the grandparents of previous generations did? Seems to be a societal shift to me of very self involved newer gen grandparents who forget how much their own families probably did.

I'm not saying 5 days a week but OP is saying nothing. Seems cold to me.