Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

This thread is a perfect illustration of all that’s wrong with society. People unable to grasp that there is a central line between two extremes that the vast majority walk comfortably.

At one end we have the poor sod grandparents - usually let’s face it grandmothers - who work till they drop dead with no effective retirement or time to themselves who are expected to be the full time and default unpaid carers for however many grandchildren who come along. Always taken for granted. The parents believe that these older adults sole value is in their labour and if they don’t welcome this they are cold horrors devoid of love who don’t deserve ever to see their grandchildren and can’t expect any visits even in extreme illness or old age.

At the other end we have grandparents like my friend’s parents who decline a rare and panicked call for help from their loving attentive daughter to babysit a five year old while dad is away with work and mum has to take his big brother seven year old who’s had an accident to A&E. The grandparents have ‘dinner plans’.

In the middle we have loving grandparents and pleasant normal children who visit each other and where the grandparents babysit for nights out, weddings and on occasion when wee ones are too sick for school. Emergency help. A week or so perhaps in the summer holidays. Or maybe a kind offer to do a day a week childcare of whatever greatly appreciated by the nice normal parents who try very hard not to take that for granted…They are grandparents - not full time carers or substitute parents.

Most people are in the last category.

I wonder how many of those saying grandparents should step in and help with childcare will step in and care for their elderly parents when they need help? Somany grandparents are "useful" until the grandchildren start senior school then they are cast aside. Many are then rarely visited by their child or grandchild because they are "busy" and are not able to reciprocate help if needed.

Exactly "grandchildren" not children and not the op responsibility. I help out on odd days here and there then there was much huffing and complaining when I booked a holiday. Even the mil came and complained that my holiday had messed up her plans as she was asked last minute and could I liase with her re my hols. As I told her they had plenty of warning I was not available, the children are not my responsibility and no I would not be "liasing" with her when booking any time away. In this instance I might offer to cover a couple days but the daughter should know the nursery schedule and sort appropriate alternative. I think the odd emergency care us ok but believe me Ive been caught out and so have several of my retired friends so be careful.

I literally said to my dh tonight I’m going to the best grandma - because I’m so grateful my mum has taken all our washing from our long weekend away to do for us.

If people want to commit themselves to looking after small children when they’ve already done it as parents, that’s a personal decision, just as it is to say that having raised your own children and now approaching retirement you would like to spend your time as you choose.

I can guarantee that those expecting their parents to give up their retirement years to provide free childcare will be full of excuses when it’s their turn.

Wow! We can certainly see the difference between those that have children that are likely to need childcare and those that are expected to provide it!

I wonder if the people who expect their parents to provide the care will be equally as happy to provide it to their own grandchildren... when they may still be working, they are likely to be less physically resilient, more tired, have more aches and pains and have been looking forward, at last, to finally being able to do things for themselves!

I am now donning my hard hat and waiting for the nasty responses to come from those who have NO idea what level of help I may, or may not, have given or received and who have NO idea of my, or the OP's, personal circumstances.

My children are at my parents today so I can go into the office during school holidays. Don’t know what I would do without them. Sounds like your dd will be very comfortable without you and your zero support.

Because we would always step in to help one another if we could. We’re supportive and generous, we do the best for one another. We aren’t transactional, we don’t withhold support for fear that it might become expected. We look out for each other and don’t keep score.

In what way?

This thread is making me so grateful for my own family

because only babysitting is the only way to build a relationship with grandchildren?
my mil never minded her grand kids hardly ever but had days out dinners birthdays etc with them and their patents . they are now in their 20s and visit and call her every week. they have their own WhatsApp group with her too sending photos etc of their travels.

Why? Because OP isn’t prepared to be a pushover?

You can look forward to very little relationship with your grandchild I think. Well done.

Why is she a 'poor DD'? She simply didn't check or pretended not to check the nursery's available dates properly. The OP says she has form of not bothering to organise things and probably expects others to step in at the last minute because of her mistakes. Presumably the DD went to school like the rest of us and is aware of the concept of school holidays and is capable of checking a nursery timetable. For those of us who had no possibility of grandparental help, being disorganised was not an option.

You are incorrect that she's not doing any childcare at all. She has already agreed to do a day or two to help her DD out. I suspect she meant that she doesn't want to do any regular childcare but would be happy to step in if there was a genuine emergency. It may be that she said she didn't want to do regular childcare in order to draw boundaries because of her DD's difficult behaviour.
I'm the first to criticise grandparents who can't be bothered to visit, spend time with and make an effort with their grandchildren but I don't think that this is the case here.

"Hopefully her DD will draw some firm boundaries with her difficult mother."

How hypocritical.
The mother has drawn firm boundaries with her daughter but shes being difficult?
Read what you said and put some thinking into it.

Well she should have, considering that it’s actual Easter, not just a random holiday.

”Poor DD” my arse. Why is this adult woman being infantilised for making an arse of going back to work and arranging suitable childcare. - something all of us with jobs and children have also had to navigate at some time. It’s not easy no but equally it’s hardly rocket science and she’s only managed to fuck it up only a week in. Doesn’t bode well for the longer term.

I have never heard of a term time only nursery, but presumably they exist. I can't imagine how they would work for anyone except teachers/TAs. It's important to bear in mind that if this is the OP's poor DD's first child, then unless she works in education, she may not have realised that school Easter holidays were only a week away.

Apart from all of that, all the people excusing the OP's awful post and saying how expectations on grandparents are too high, stop overlooking the fact that OP is not going to do any childcare ever. Not 'maybe she just meant not every week'. She's not doing any, in any circumstances and her post is full of contempt for her daughter. Hopefully her DD will draw some firm boundaries with her difficult mother.

Nope. They have little money to travel. They changed jobs at smaller pay. They rent flat that is smaller than the house they own. If we want to see the grandchildren, we pay to travel to see them. The grandchildren miss us and we miss them. We do not miss their selfish, self centered parents.

What do you mean the nursery has 'unexcpectedly closed'? Nurseries don't unexpectedly closed. It sounds as if she may have chosen to book the DC into a term time nursery and expected her mum to pick up the rest of the childcare for her, despite her mum saying that she didn't want to take on regular childcare.

I think if you can and want to look after them why not?

Just be honest in the future when you don’t want to?!

That's sad, you must have been heartbroken, l hope that your DD comes and visits with your gc.

What’s so sad is that grandparents can’t simply be grandparents. They have to take in the caring role. There is a big difference between having your grandchildren for a few hours and taking responsibility for them a set amount of time, usually regularly each week. This is sometimes too much for elderly grandparents so they see little of their DGC.
Being a grandparent used to be less full on and therefore be better.

I think it's the definition of childcare that's been the sticking point in parts of this thread.

Agree.

I don’t class grandparents taking their grandchildren out for the day as childcare either, but even the stats from studies that are often posted on these threads in relation to the numbers of grandparents who are providing childcare for their grandchildren, include this as such.

I think I’d help her out on this occasion, returning to work will be stressful enough for her. She’s still learning the ropes with nursery. But repeat what you said, childcare is not an option, now or in the future. I wouldn’t even add an emergency exclusion, because you’ll soon find there are a lot of those.

That clarification is useful and I can see where you are coming from. I think it's the definition of childcare that's been the sticking point in parts of this thread. I wouldn't personally class grandparents taking their grandkids out for the day, for example, as childcare, it's just taking them out for the day. Some scenarios I've read about on MN, though, really do take the piss with entitled individuals expecting their parents to act essentially as free childminders on a long-term basis. And it sounds as though if OP isn't careful, she could end up in that position.