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Original poster

For supporting my autistic child's decision and blowing up my own friendship?

164 replies

Tryinghardtobefair · 04/04/2026 14:17

Asking for opinions because I'm Neurodivergent and unsure if IABU

My daughter ended a friendship. I was best friends with the other child's mum. I'll call her Jane. We are no longer friends.

Both girls are the same age (early secondary). Both are autistic. DDs friend is incredibly rigid and everything the girls do is always catered to her wants and needs because she "can't cope or engage" if she doesn't 100% want to do something or if she doesn't get her own way. DD is quite flexible with friends and is big on fairness and compromise.

DDs friends reaction to anyone saying this is unfair is: "I don't want to be your friend" because she can't cope if she doesn't get her own way.

Jane usually messages me when the girls fall out, gets defensive, and says ending the friendship is for the best because this is how friend is and DD shouldn't want her to change as a condition of friendship. A few days later Jane calms down, messages and accepts friends behaviour is actually the issue and says "they've spoken and she would like to apologise to DD". This has happened for years. Jane is also adamant that this level of drama is normal because all friends relationships are like this. In comparison I can't remember the last argument DD had with a different friend.

Everything came to a head the other day because Friend had been reading DDs messages and leaving her "on read". After a few days DD became upset by this and asked her not to and asked if she's done something to upset friend. Friend said DD hasn't done anything wrong and she ignored her when she was busy because texting overwhelmed her. DD asked friend to not open the message if she couldn't reply or just send "busy" so she knew. Friend left her on read.

DD saw her on Roblox and went into the game to confront her. She pointed out that if she could come off her game to read the text she could write the word "busy". DDs friend text DD to go away and stop texting because it's overwhelming her. DD responded, they went back and forth. Friend then eventually told DD she doesn't want to be friends because she won't go away so DD said fine because friend is selfish and doesn't care about DDs feelings. DD blocked friend on everything and deleted her number.

I messaged Jane to give her a heads up. She responded:

"Yeah I'm aware, [Friend] did tell her she's busy but unfortunately she carried on texting asking what shes doing , followed by a ? Then an emoji when she didnt get an immediate response.
[Friend] can not cope either with her constant texts and it overwhelms her hence why she don't reply, she did text her last night and again this morning to reasure her shes done nothing wrong.

But thats fine, its probably for the best in all fairness."

Having supervised DD while she was texting I responded :

"Actually I saw the texts. She didn't text constantly. She said [Friend] can't be that busy if she's on Roblox and her texts sent early so she was finishing sentences. Please don't twist the truth.

Tbh I agree it's probably for the best. I completely support [DD's] decision because the constant expectation of [DD] to meet [friends] needs and respect her boundaries ("stop texting "), while refusing to meet [DDs] needs (not to be left on read because it upsets her), is quite unfair and sets an unbalanced dynamic.

I'm sure the girls will be fine on their own paths."

Jane left me on read, blocked me on WhatsApp and keeps posting memes about how she doesn't trust people who don't understand her autistic child.

I'm sorry this is so long and seems like a completely minor thing, but now DD and I are out of the constant drama I need the sanity check that I wasn't unreasonable to say what I said.

OP posts:
stealthninjamum · 04/04/2026 14:35

I think both girls were wrong and you need to teach your daughter not to expect messages straight away and to not follow someone on a different platform if that person isn’t responding to them.

Original poster
Tryinghardtobefair · 04/04/2026 14:35

Pricelessadvice · 04/04/2026 14:24

I think it’s best if the friendship ends. In fairness, your daughter is coming across as quite demanding to want a reply straight away so I think both girls have some part to play in this whole drama.
Maybe encourage DD to spend time with her other friends.

Honestly DD wasn't being demanding in the context of their friendship. Its their normal style of interaction and texting (I monitor all her texts). They will send 2/3 texts in quick succession when they're online. The being on left on read was new so DD got upset and queried it after 2 days.

They will also usually text each other once or twice each day to see if the other can call and if they're busy it's fine.

DD also spends plenty of time with her other friends both in person and on call/Roblox. She actually sees this friend a lot less in comparison as they don't live locally and have different social groups. E.g. Yesterday she was at a club with other friends, the day before she was bowling.

Just because I haven't detailed her social life doesn't mean she's just sat waiting for her friend all day 😅 x

OP posts:
waterrat · 04/04/2026 14:32

This is why my autistic child does not have a phone - she still uses whatsapp only on my phone to a select couple of friends.

I have seen her friends get totally worked up about messaging and I blame all the adults involved entirely - for letting them have far too much access to stressful social media apps including whatsapp.

DallasMajor · 04/04/2026 14:32

But your daughter isn't owed a response - you need to help her understand this or this situation will repeat.

Tell your daughter to turn off read receipts, then she doesn't know - other people can not be expected to manage your daughter's response.

waterrat · 04/04/2026 14:31

Op my daughter is autistic and her BF is also autistic (and I think it's probably a common situation as obviously ND kids get on)

I'm going to say something a little different.

I think it's a real shame the two adults here are not using this as social skills buildilng experiences.

You are both wading in, taking sides - rather than helping two very young ND kids navigate the difficulties of social media

my daughter is 12 and struggles with the idea of being left on read - I have heard and seen her friends struggle with it as well. Children are growing up with a warped idea of communication.

The answer is absolutely not to let them block each other and move on - the answer is to sit them down and teach them some lessons - even if you are only doing it with your child - about how whatsapp works, how we can't demand immediate answers- how being 'left on read' is not a heinous crime!!

you are really doing your child no favours in pandering to her and taking only her side - if she is autistic she will need far mroe support than other children in navigating friendships like this.

Inthenameoflove · 04/04/2026 14:30

I think you overreacted honestly
They both sound like they have particular needs which obviously aren’t that compatible. It’s a shame you escalated it as adults. I would have just said. Sounds like they need a break from each other and then continued to respond as normal with Jane.

OttersOnAPlane · 04/04/2026 14:30

You are being unreasonable to get involved with the disagreements between 12 or 13 year old kids. The teenage years are filled with these melodramatic mini dramas. Be a listening ear but rise above it.

You are reasonable to listen to your daughter and to support her. You're over the top to message Jane.

As for the "Left on read" stuff - I can understand a 12 year old being ridiculous about that because she's young and therefore immature. For a grown-ass woman to complain "Jane's left me on read" is just plain daft.

It's good that the friendship ended if it was causing your daughter distress. But elevating it by getting the parents involved is not a good look.

The girls might be friends again by next year (DD is 20 and we've seen so many of these play out) but you've pretty much blown any chance of getting along with Jane.

Auroraloves · 04/04/2026 14:28

Where are the memes been posted? Block Jane from that platform and move on. When Jane unblocks and comes back apologising, block her on WhatsApp.

Passaggressfedup · 04/04/2026 14:28

There seem to a lot of emotionally immature behaviours going on from the young teens and their mothers, probably as a result of neurodivergence.

I think you need to consider your level of emotional involvement in this so that you can yourself be a good example to your daughter.
. Having arguments about who is right or wrong in such a situation is a complete waste of energy. Nobody is right or wrong. Their level and need of communication is different, nothing to it than that. A lot is common at that age. They both need to learn emotional resilience adapted to their disability.

AyeDeadOn · 04/04/2026 14:28

Probably for the best your daughter and hers arent friends and you and her also arent friends. Sounds ..... tiring.
Help your daughter learn to tolerate uncertainty, and not to overreact when someone doesnt text back, just for her own good.

BuffetTheDietSlayer · 04/04/2026 14:27

Jamesblonde2 · 04/04/2026 14:21

Friendships are supposed to be positive things. If they’re not, ditch and move on.

We have about 80 years on this planet if we’re lucky. I wouldn’t be forced into relationships and drama I didn’t want.

This^

Snorlaxo · 04/04/2026 14:25

The friendship should have been cooled sooner.

If you continued this, you risked dd picking romantic relationships that are full of drama like this and her forgiving bad behaviour. There’s a fine line between being kind and a doormat and you don’t want people to take advantage of dd.

Is your ex-friend also autistic?

Have you and dd blocked them everywhere (including Roblox!) so you don’t have end up being sucked in again?

Pricelessadvice · 04/04/2026 14:24

I think it’s best if the friendship ends. In fairness, your daughter is coming across as quite demanding to want a reply straight away so I think both girls have some part to play in this whole drama.
Maybe encourage DD to spend time with her other friends.

Jamesblonde2 · 04/04/2026 14:21

Friendships are supposed to be positive things. If they’re not, ditch and move on.

We have about 80 years on this planet if we’re lucky. I wouldn’t be forced into relationships and drama I didn’t want.