For supporting my autistic child's decision and blowing up my own friendship?

You should have put she was left on read for two DAYS in your OP people are acting like she sent multiple messages and harassing demands within minutes of being left on read

Yes DD clearly got irritated and took it to roblox not their finest hour but neither is the other child sending 32 messages after being told no ultimately I think this friendship has had its day dont let the mum weasel their way back and convince dd to do the same because on balance this is not a good relationship for anyone

Hi OP. I understand why you did it, but you were unreasonable to message Jane about it at all. Of course, you can support your DD to manage her friendships if she needs that support, but I’d advise for the future that you don’t get involved to the extent that you’re messaging the other child’s mother about it.

My best friend’s son is very good friends with my DS. Sometimes they fall out. Our attitude to it is that our friendship is really separate from the children’s. If they were to drift apart, we’d still be best mates. Why wouldn’t we?

Our kids our younger but we don’t really discuss their disagreements, beyond ‘kids, eh?’ Because most of the time, disagreements are either 50:50 in terms of fault OR simply a mismatch in terms of wants/needs and nobody’s fault really. If they’re not getting on, we just see each other without the kids for a while so they can get some space.

It sounds like a bit of a similar situation with the kids in your scenario. Neither can help that their needs often conflict. Your DD was far too intense following her friend onto Roblox when she’d already been told the friend was overwhelmed but she’d done nothing wrong (I thought this explanation from your friend’s DD was actually quite mature and sounds like progress based on the descriptions you give of her previous behaviour). Conversely, it’s clear that your DD has had to tolerate the other girl insisting on her own way a lot, and I dont blame her for deciding she’s not putting up with it any more. But I’m not sure why that means you and Jane can’t be friends?

I can see that possibly Jane would insist on wanting to talk it out with you because that’s what you’ve always done in the past. But if you were otherwise good friends, could you just say something like ‘clearly the girls aren’t getting along, their needs seem to conflict which is nobody’s fault. It might be better for them to cool things off, but would love to continue our friendship anyway.’

Completely unreasonable to get your friendship so enmeshed in that of your child.

It’s usually a bad idea to have these sorts of enmeshed relationships as you hit teenage years for exactly this reason. My daughter is autistic so a bit slower to launch in some ways but I have stepped way back as she’s 13 now. She needs to learn how to navigate these things though of course I’m always here as a sounding board.

This friendship sounds toxic and both girls are well out of it. Would be good for you to start stepping back a bit now too - am flabbergasted that you’re reading every message that comes in for a teenager to be honest.

Whilst I understand you’re both protective of your children, I think you’re way too invested in your daughter’s friendships. You should absolutely support and guide her but messaging other parents really isn’t needed in these situations.

Stand back and let your DD guide the way. They’re just young kids navigating friendships, if it’s ended, that’s fine. It doesn’t sound like a healthy friendship.

So you need to teach DD not to jump when her friend says so.

If your DD doesn’t want to reply that’s fine.
It is up to her friends who she’s leaving on read to decide whether they want to continue the friendship with her.

She needs to learn that she cannot control other peoples actions, all she can control is how she reacts to them.

You and the other mum are way too involved.

Yes. Good idea to focus on other friends and tell them to sort stuff out between themselves. The teenage squabbles are yet to hit in full force and you need to minimise the drama not add to the noise

Sounds like Jane wants everything her daughter’s way but no consideration for a fellow autistic child, overwhelmed seems to be trotted out as an excuse for rudeness.
Your DD will make new friends.

Yanbu to support your DD in a minor fall out, regardless of whether she is equally difficult. Of course as parents we have our DC back in these situations (which does mean letting them know when they have played a part in it)

You and the other parent are VU for getting involved in petty dramas.

You wont do your DD any favours if you allow her to believe she was completely blameless here.

You don't want to hear that your DD played a part here. She did. They both did. The friendship is too high drama and your DD is within her rights to end it, you shouldn't have messaged Jane, you escalated things and by being defensive of your own child you created conflict with Jane that could have been avoided. You're all over sensitive and frankly a bit childish (the girls have an excuse, you and Jane do not)

They have conflicting needs and aren't compatible as friends, that's fine. I think you and the other mum are overly involved. I understand that to a certain extent as they are autistic so will need more guidance on navigating relationships but it's best just sticking to advising you own DD's on what's appropriate rather than messaging each other.
I do think you need to speak to your DD about how people can be overwhelmed by different things, being overwhelmed at the thought of socialising via text isn't unusual, even for ND people when they're stressed. Many people could play a game but not have the ability to text, it takes a lot for some people to figure out what to say and they can have mental blocks preventing them from knowing what to say, or if they're feeling a certain way they may know their communication at them times is poor and could cause fall outs so it's best they don't communicate in that moment. I'm not saying your DD has to put up with this if it's upsetting for her, she doesn't have to be friends with anyone and being flexible and understanding other's needs as an autistic 12 yo will be difficult, but it will help her in the future if she learns to better understand people have different needs and manage her emotions when they are not acting how she expects them to.

You can see in messaging apps when the other person has opened a message, so if they've opened it and not replied that would be "on read". This shows differently to if they haven't checked their phone.

Generally I read all messages as soon as I get the notification, in case it's urgent, but if I read it and it's just someone wanting to chat, I'll leave it until I finish what I'm doing and have time to give the conversation my full attention. Aparently this is a heinous crime amongst young people.

You can’t harass someone because they have not replied to a text message and then ‘confront’ them for not replying

If my dd came to me to say a friend had not replied to her I would have been bemused to be honest. I’d have told her that the friend was probably busy and I would have told her that she needs to find something to do that isn’t stalk someone down online.

I’m not surprised about the other mother blocking you. That’s what I would have done if some loon started having a go at me.

You and your daughter are spending too much time online.

OP you've shown you're unable to take feedback because you are not listening to what anyone is saying. The fact that many of us think your DD was potentially in the wrong is relevant because you're acting as if she isn't and that's a bit part of the problem. If your just explained to her she's being too demanding then maybe the argument wouldn't have escalated and she'd have stopped bothering the other girl or you and Jane wouldn't both arguing about it as well.

You can’t control what people comment on op. Your dd’s behaviour is a vital part of the whole situation. I understand you are ND, and this may be why you are focusing on this detail, rather than the bigger picture, but the bigger picture matters. Your dd’s behaviour was a bit unhinged - no one has behaved well - just draw a line under it and move on, you are not going to get whatever it is you want from Jane.

On read means they have read the message but haven’t replied yet.

Being unread means that they have not seen/read the message at all yet.

DD needs to learn to stop texting if someone doesn’t reply.

No one is required to reply to her ever.

If she thinks this is rude (which sometimes it can be) then it is up to her to figure out whether she should invest any more energy into the relationship or back off.

It all sounds very childish which is fine because they are children but you and the other mum need to stay out of it and let them sort it out themselves.

There was no need for you to get involved at all.

It’s good you check her messages but unless there is bullying or anything then leave them to work out their differences on their own.

My BF is on the Spectrum - Asperger's - and read OPs post when I showed it to him .

Suggests "Some times it's just too hard for our brains to handle social stuff like this. Best cut it off now for the sake of yours & your daughter's mental health."

He had to cut off his own mother - also on the spectrum and bipolar - for over five years due her constant jibes, abuse and lying about him to others. He only reluctantly engaged again due to family pressure after his older nephew was born.
To this day he refuses to be alone with her because she's physically attacked him in the past when they were alone. Charming woman. If he had a choice, he'd ghost her permanently.

Nobody is coming out of this looking good tbh. People in secure friendships can cope with being left ‘on read’. Probably best for everyone that the friendships are over - just sounds toxic.

You all sound a bit dramatic and the mums are overly involved.

You also wont see that your daughter is also in the wrong so I'm not sure what you expected from posting this other than to bitch about your "friend" and hope others joined in

So quick question, is 'on read' the same as 'un read/unread' or does it mean something different??