Page 4 | For supporting my autistic child's decision and blowing up my own friendship?

NoName47 · 04/04/2026 17:14

Excuse my stupidity but could someone explain to me what 'on read' means - does it mean unread or read and not replied to?

YerMotherWasAHamster · 04/04/2026 17:11

It's done now and probably for the best. It sounds unnecessarily stressful all round.

Original poster

Tryinghardtobefair · 04/04/2026 17:09

waterrat · 04/04/2026 14:31

Op my daughter is autistic and her BF is also autistic (and I think it's probably a common situation as obviously ND kids get on)

I'm going to say something a little different.

I think it's a real shame the two adults here are not using this as social skills buildilng experiences.

You are both wading in, taking sides - rather than helping two very young ND kids navigate the difficulties of social media

my daughter is 12 and struggles with the idea of being left on read - I have heard and seen her friends struggle with it as well. Children are growing up with a warped idea of communication.

The answer is absolutely not to let them block each other and move on - the answer is to sit them down and teach them some lessons - even if you are only doing it with your child - about how whatsapp works, how we can't demand immediate answers- how being 'left on read' is not a heinous crime!!

you are really doing your child no favours in pandering to her and taking only her side - if she is autistic she will need far mroe support than other children in navigating friendships like this.

As explained throughout the thread my daughter is fine with everyone else except this child. We have a lot of boundaries with phone usage and I've done a lot of work on social skills over the years.

DD is regularly not replied to by friends and vice versa. They're all busy so it's accepted replies are hit and miss.

Friend has incredibly high expectations of my daughter, and flips if she doesn't get a reply or if DD can't call. In comparison this is the ONLY time DD has lost it because she's sick of the double standard.

After years of DD is absolutely done, and I think this triggered the reaction.

I gave Jane a heads up because friend is prone to violent meltdowns, and will flip when she realises DD has blocked her and ended the friendship permanently when it's not what friend wants. Jane went on the defensive (as usual) and assigned blame.

I understand your sentiment but I don't think it's healthy to ignore my child's wishes and force her to unblock friend and resolve this. Being able to know when enough is enough , and know her worth is just as valuable a social skill as being able to resolve problems (which she does do with other friends)

OP posts:

CinnamonBuns67 · 04/04/2026 17:07

I think you both need to be staying out your respective DD's friendships and the drama that comes with them.

I would have probably said to Jane "I agree it's for the best, the girls have very different needs when it comes to friendships and unfortunately aren't able to meet each others needs, they'll figure it out though and I hope nothing but the best for both girls" and then left it at that. The message you sent was actually really unnecessary and rude and I'd not want to speak to a friend if they'd spoken to me like that.

I think both you and Jane are being unreasonable.

IrishSelkie · 04/04/2026 17:04

Tryinghardtobefair · 04/04/2026 16:57

Actually it's the other way round. We became friends via our daughter. They became friends via a club when they were in early primary.

Friend doesn't have low social battery, everything just has to be on her terms. Daughter also doesn't have RSD. She was just upset because friend expects her to reply instantly and holds DD to a far higher standard than she holds herself and would never allow DD to leave her on read or not reply..

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Fair enough, I thought it was the other way around how they met.
Doesn’t change the fact that they are incompatible.
What you have written does show that friend has a low social battery.
What you have written does show your DD has RSD. Only a person with RSD would think they are being rejected if their messages are left on read for hours to days or demand reassurance of just say “busy” if you can’t reply. Which is a reply in and of itself and an autistic person with a low social battery isn’t going to be able do it or agree to send what is essentially a lie.
Your DD is also very rigid by thinking that standards must be identical when they are two different people with two different sets of abilities and emotions.

Neither of them is unreasonable. Your DD needs the reassurance. The friend can’t give it. Incompatible.

Seems you and the other mum are too.

Now stop doing the over analysing and agonising over what could DD have done different, why did this friendship fail, did I do the right thing?

Yes you and DD did everything right, so did the friend and her mum. It just didn’t work out.

DarmokAndJaladAtTenagra · 04/04/2026 17:03

You have a friendship with a adult woman
Your teen DD has a friendship with a teen girl

The fact that the teen girl and the adult woman are related is irrelevant to each of your friendships. Stop talking about your daughters' friendship with your adult friend. There are a lot of other things to talk about instead.

Support your DD to sort out her own problems and either to repair or end her friendship as appropriate. Whatever happens between the two teens should have no impact on your friendship with the mother

StarlingTheConqueror · 04/04/2026 17:02

If friends do things she doesn’t appreciate, she has the right to not continue the friendship, but trying to force someone to modify their behaviour, because your dd feels it’s objectively wrong, is unreasonable.

Thats something I’m finding hard.
i fully agree with the idea that you can’t change people or ask them to change for you.
But at the same time, esp when ND or disability is involved, most people expect accommodation. Asking to say ‘busy’ rather being left on read can be such an accommodation.

There is a need here for COMPROMISE.
As some posters said, it’s not about being right or wrong.
It’s the fact one person is asked to compromise whilst, at the same time, she is being told she is wrong to ask for accommodation (changing behaviour) for herself.
Jane is going down the wrong road imo. She is expecting everyone to fit around her dd. This simply cannot work in RL.
Your dd asked for an accommodation that was blatantly refused. She’ll have to learn to accept some people won’t , regardless of the reason (eg inability due to ND or can’t be bothered etc….). Then keeping friendship becomes more about whether the lack of accommodation is something-she can cope with or not.

Fwiw keeping people on read for days wo answering is seen by many adults as extremely rude. And I’ve seen many posts on here saying the same thing than your dd. ‘If you have time to game, watch Tv etc… then you have 30 seconds to answer a text’.
Your dd will have to kearn that not everyone feels like that though. Usually easy to spot.

Daleksatemyshed · 04/04/2026 16:58

No Op, you weren't unreasonable to let your DD break off the friendship, it should be up to the child and this particular friendship isn't enjoyable anymore. I don't think it would be possible for you to stay friends with Jane if the girls have fallen out, her main focus is naturally on her DD but she does seem to forget your DD is ND too and expects too much from your child in terms of keeping her child regulated.

Original poster

Tryinghardtobefair · 04/04/2026 16:57

IrishSelkie · 04/04/2026 16:51

I don’t think either of you did anything wrong. Friend or DD or either you or friend’s mum.

The girls were thrown together because you and the other mum were best friends. They aren’t really compatible as friends. Their individual ND profiles clash. Friend has a low social battery meaning she can’t communicate promptly while your DD has RSD.

Instead of trying to determine who was the baddie, I’d just accept your daughters aren’t compatible as friends and you were both being supportive mothers.

Actually it's the other way round. We became friends via our daughter. They became friends via a club when they were in early primary.

Friend doesn't have low social battery, everything just has to be on her terms. Daughter also doesn't have RSD. She was just upset because friend expects her to reply instantly and holds DD to a far higher standard than she holds herself and would never allow DD to leave her on read or not reply..

OP posts:

Original poster

Tryinghardtobefair · 04/04/2026 16:54

corkscissorschalk · 04/04/2026 15:01

@Tryinghardtobefair
Firstly I think it’s positive that you have asked for opinions here.
Secondly I too am ND, as are a number of my family, including adult children.

I think that it would have been wiser to accept that your DD didn’t wish to continue the friendship with the friend at that point in time without getting into the details of “who was in the right”.

You can support your daughter’s decisions because they are what is best for her, but not push the idea of being “objectively right”.
From an outsider’s viewpoint it seems as if both girls were struggling and that they both had aspects they could work on to do with compromise.

If your mum friend asked anything about what happened you could have simply said that the girls didn’t seem to be getting on at the moment, and leave it at that. By trying to push the point that your daughter was “right” and her daughter “wrong” you have soured your friendship, needlessly.

For future reference I would try to explain to your DD that people all have individual characteristics, including her. If friends do things she doesn’t appreciate, she has the right to not continue the friendship, but trying to force someone to modify their behaviour, because your dd feels it’s objectively wrong, is unreasonable.
In this case I would have considered your DD’s behaviour, ie entering a computer game to confront me about why I haven’t responded to text, as unreasonable.

I've explained this down thread but I gave an outline of what happened to Jane because this has been the norm while we help our girls navigate how to problem solve what went wrong in whatever incident.

Jane usually messages me to relay the incident and go on the defensive about Friends behaviour. She then calms down and the girls want to make up and we help them problem solve because Jane really pushes for them to make up as friend always wants to be friends again. However this time DD has decided she is completely done and can't cope anymore.

So I messaged Jane first to essentially give her a heads up about what happened and why because friend is prone to violent meltdowns when things don't go her way, and will likely flip when she finds out DD has blocked and removed her from everything.

DD hasn't tried to force anyone to modify their behaviour, so I'm unsure where you're getting this from. However I do think it's completely reasonable of DD to express it's unfair for friend to only do what she wants and never take turns.

OP posts:

IrishSelkie · 04/04/2026 16:51

I don’t think either of you did anything wrong. Friend or DD or either you or friend’s mum.

The girls were thrown together because you and the other mum were best friends. They aren’t really compatible as friends. Their individual ND profiles clash. Friend has a low social battery meaning she can’t communicate promptly while your DD has RSD.

Instead of trying to determine who was the baddie, I’d just accept your daughters aren’t compatible as friends and you were both being supportive mothers.

Weeelokthen · 04/04/2026 16:48

Tryinghardtobefair · 04/04/2026 16:42

You clearly haven't read the entire thread. I don't pander to my DD at all. I have incredibly high expectations of her behaviour, she has limits and supervision on all devices, and she has a strict routine. This friend is the only child we have ever had any phone related issues with and I've given all context within the thread about why this happened.

DD has actually made so much progress academically and socially that she recently progressed out of specialist provision into mainstream school.

Just because you've seen one incident and failed to comprehend the context doesn't mean I'm failing to prepare her for the adult world.

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Imo, I think getting in to it with your ex friend shows a level of immaturity on your part

Viviennemary · 04/04/2026 16:44

It can be quite annoying to get texts from folk who expect an answer right away. . In this case I would assume the friendship has run its course and not encourage your DD to revive it. The other girl does sound like she expects her own way all the time. No good.

Original poster

Tryinghardtobefair · 04/04/2026 16:42

Weeelokthen · 04/04/2026 16:07

Bang on. I think there has been a lot of pandering to these girls behaviours which is going to do none of them any favours when entering the adult world.

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You clearly haven't read the entire thread. I don't pander to my DD at all. I have incredibly high expectations of her behaviour, she has limits and supervision on all devices, and she has a strict routine. This friend is the only child we have ever had any phone related issues with and I've given all context within the thread about why this happened.

DD has actually made so much progress academically and socially that she recently progressed out of specialist provision into mainstream school.

Just because you've seen one incident and failed to comprehend the context doesn't mean I'm failing to prepare her for the adult world.

OP posts:

Blueunicornthistle · 04/04/2026 16:40

Answer the question I asked (which was was I unreasonable for supporting DDs choice to end the friendship)

What could possibly be unreasonable about it?

You should be raising your DD thst she can end a relationship (platonic or otherwise) for any reason.

This has very clearly been a deeply unhealthy friendship for a long time. I voted YABU because I don’t understand why you haven’t ended/limited the relationship well before now.

Any child who sent my DD 32 messages complaining that she had gone out would have had very short shrift.

The issue isn’t are you unreasonable for supporting her to end the relationship now, the issue is why on Earth haven't you done it sooner.

BTW your DD is in no way reasonable demanding a response to every message she sends. You need to work with her on accepting being “left on read”. Demanding a response is controlling and inappropriate behaviour, better she correct it now.

RitaConnors · 04/04/2026 16:39

Well, it’s over now.

Nobody is friends with anybody.

canisquaeso · 04/04/2026 16:36

You’re all doing far too much, especially the adults.

Original poster

Tryinghardtobefair · 04/04/2026 16:35

ShinyNewName1988 · 04/04/2026 15:52

Hi OP. I understand why you did it, but you were unreasonable to message Jane about it at all. Of course, you can support your DD to manage her friendships if she needs that support, but I’d advise for the future that you don’t get involved to the extent that you’re messaging the other child’s mother about it.

My best friend’s son is very good friends with my DS. Sometimes they fall out. Our attitude to it is that our friendship is really separate from the children’s. If they were to drift apart, we’d still be best mates. Why wouldn’t we?

Our kids our younger but we don’t really discuss their disagreements, beyond ‘kids, eh?’ Because most of the time, disagreements are either 50:50 in terms of fault OR simply a mismatch in terms of wants/needs and nobody’s fault really. If they’re not getting on, we just see each other without the kids for a while so they can get some space.

It sounds like a bit of a similar situation with the kids in your scenario. Neither can help that their needs often conflict. Your DD was far too intense following her friend onto Roblox when she’d already been told the friend was overwhelmed but she’d done nothing wrong (I thought this explanation from your friend’s DD was actually quite mature and sounds like progress based on the descriptions you give of her previous behaviour). Conversely, it’s clear that your DD has had to tolerate the other girl insisting on her own way a lot, and I dont blame her for deciding she’s not putting up with it any more. But I’m not sure why that means you and Jane can’t be friends?

I can see that possibly Jane would insist on wanting to talk it out with you because that’s what you’ve always done in the past. But if you were otherwise good friends, could you just say something like ‘clearly the girls aren’t getting along, their needs seem to conflict which is nobody’s fault. It might be better for them to cool things off, but would love to continue our friendship anyway.’

Hi - I messaged Jane because it's been the norm to support the girls in working through their disagreements.whenever the girls have had a disagreement. Jane usually messages first relaying what happened and gets defensive because she feels friends needs aren't understood and that DD wants her to change.

This isn't the case at all. The issue is that friend will often become quite nasty, accuse DD or guilt tripping, hang up on her or declare she doesn't want to be friends because DD has pushed back and said it's not fair that she gets no say at all in anything. DD doesn't want friends personality to change, just her behaviour towards DD.

I messaged first this time because friend usually calms down and wants to be friends with DD again. But DD is absolutely done and never wants to speak again. I wanted to make it clear the friendship was over and give Jane the chance to talk through the blocking and the end of the friendship with Friend before she discovered by chance that she's blocked on everything. Friend is prone to violent meltdowns so I wanted to at least give Jane the chance to prevent this.

I do recognise my DDs faults and the few other disagreements she has with friends are 50:50. But this one wasn't. Friend would have absolutely kicked off if DD left her on read without saying she was busy, and would have done exactly the same to DD. The only reason I don't feel she was too intense is because she was literally doing what friend would do to her with the logic that "if friend expects me to reply instantly then she can reply if she's online". In normal circumstances I would feel it's OTT, but in this case she did what the norm has always been. DDs friend has also got form for saying she's overwhelmed to get out of things she doesn't want to do. I've heard her tell DD "I don't want to go to school tomorrow so I'm going to be too overwhelmed". So I do understand why DD did what she did.

DD has never behaved like this with any other child, she goes days without getting a reply if her friends are busy, and they can go days without a reply if DD is busy. She's actually got a really good understanding of appropriate contact and texting as hard as it is to believe looking at this incident.

We've done a lot of work on social boundaries over the years, and there are a lot of phone boundaries in general. DDs phone is checked at least once a day, is locked in evening hours, and it is removed if she breaks any of the rules we've established. We also have very clear expectations about behaviour towards others in general.

The reason my friendship is over is because Jane has ultimately cut me off as she feels that anyone who "criticises" her child's behaviour doesn't understand her child and isn't neuro-affirmative. She cuts off anyone who says anything that isn't positive about her child. I do understand her childs needs, I just won't allow my daughter to accommodate another person's needs at the cost of her own needs and wellbeing.

Sorry for the long reply, I didn't want to miss anything.

OP posts:

Restlessdreams1994 · 04/04/2026 16:29

The friendship sounds like far too much drama so probably better that it’s ended.

That said, having a go at someone for not replying the messages isn’t ok. Going through another platform to accuse them of having time to play games so they should be able to reply to messages is REALLY not ok.

I am neurodivergent and don’t always reply to messages. Sometimes it’s because I need time to compose a more thought out response or I’ve read it whilst in the middle of something and can’t immediately reply. Sometimes it’s because I’m just feeling really stressed out and overwhelmed and need a bit of space.

The lesson for DD here is not to take it personally when people don’t reply to messages and not to harass them about it. If a friend is causing drama or neglecting her generally then the best thing is to step away and find other friends she is better suited to.

Bigcat25 · 04/04/2026 16:27

I think the comments saying op's dd's conduct is just as bad are unfair, especially given her further context about the friend also sending a barrage of messages and flipping out when not getting a quick response.

Given the friends extreme rigidity and expecting everything on her terms, I don't think the friendship should continue and her mom is enabling her.

The "being friends with fellow ND people" can work both ways. My adult autistic friend definitely has other autistic friends but found it easier to get along with NT as a young adult.

Netcurtainnelly · 04/04/2026 16:25

Tryinghardtobefair · 04/04/2026 14:17

Asking for opinions because I'm Neurodivergent and unsure if IABU

My daughter ended a friendship. I was best friends with the other child's mum. I'll call her Jane. We are no longer friends.

Both girls are the same age (early secondary). Both are autistic. DDs friend is incredibly rigid and everything the girls do is always catered to her wants and needs because she "can't cope or engage" if she doesn't 100% want to do something or if she doesn't get her own way. DD is quite flexible with friends and is big on fairness and compromise.

DDs friends reaction to anyone saying this is unfair is: "I don't want to be your friend" because she can't cope if she doesn't get her own way.

Jane usually messages me when the girls fall out, gets defensive, and says ending the friendship is for the best because this is how friend is and DD shouldn't want her to change as a condition of friendship. A few days later Jane calms down, messages and accepts friends behaviour is actually the issue and says "they've spoken and she would like to apologise to DD". This has happened for years. Jane is also adamant that this level of drama is normal because all friends relationships are like this. In comparison I can't remember the last argument DD had with a different friend.

Everything came to a head the other day because Friend had been reading DDs messages and leaving her "on read". After a few days DD became upset by this and asked her not to and asked if she's done something to upset friend. Friend said DD hasn't done anything wrong and she ignored her when she was busy because texting overwhelmed her. DD asked friend to not open the message if she couldn't reply or just send "busy" so she knew. Friend left her on read.

DD saw her on Roblox and went into the game to confront her. She pointed out that if she could come off her game to read the text she could write the word "busy". DDs friend text DD to go away and stop texting because it's overwhelming her. DD responded, they went back and forth. Friend then eventually told DD she doesn't want to be friends because she won't go away so DD said fine because friend is selfish and doesn't care about DDs feelings. DD blocked friend on everything and deleted her number.

I messaged Jane to give her a heads up. She responded:

"Yeah I'm aware, [Friend] did tell her she's busy but unfortunately she carried on texting asking what shes doing , followed by a ? Then an emoji when she didnt get an immediate response.
[Friend] can not cope either with her constant texts and it overwhelms her hence why she don't reply, she did text her last night and again this morning to reasure her shes done nothing wrong.

But thats fine, its probably for the best in all fairness."

Having supervised DD while she was texting I responded :

"Actually I saw the texts. She didn't text constantly. She said [Friend] can't be that busy if she's on Roblox and her texts sent early so she was finishing sentences. Please don't twist the truth.

Tbh I agree it's probably for the best. I completely support [DD's] decision because the constant expectation of [DD] to meet [friends] needs and respect her boundaries ("stop texting "), while refusing to meet [DDs] needs (not to be left on read because it upsets her), is quite unfair and sets an unbalanced dynamic.

I'm sure the girls will be fine on their own paths."

Jane left me on read, blocked me on WhatsApp and keeps posting memes about how she doesn't trust people who don't understand her autistic child.

I'm sorry this is so long and seems like a completely minor thing, but now DD and I are out of the constant drama I need the sanity check that I wasn't unreasonable to say what I said.

sounds pathetic.

PinkDaffs · 04/04/2026 16:15

Weeelokthen · 04/04/2026 16:07

Bang on. I think there has been a lot of pandering to these girls behaviours which is going to do none of them any favours when entering the adult world.

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Completely correct

Weeelokthen · 04/04/2026 16:07

waterrat · 04/04/2026 14:31

Op my daughter is autistic and her BF is also autistic (and I think it's probably a common situation as obviously ND kids get on)

I'm going to say something a little different.

I think it's a real shame the two adults here are not using this as social skills buildilng experiences.

You are both wading in, taking sides - rather than helping two very young ND kids navigate the difficulties of social media

my daughter is 12 and struggles with the idea of being left on read - I have heard and seen her friends struggle with it as well. Children are growing up with a warped idea of communication.

The answer is absolutely not to let them block each other and move on - the answer is to sit them down and teach them some lessons - even if you are only doing it with your child - about how whatsapp works, how we can't demand immediate answers- how being 'left on read' is not a heinous crime!!

you are really doing your child no favours in pandering to her and taking only her side - if she is autistic she will need far mroe support than other children in navigating friendships like this.

Bang on. I think there has been a lot of pandering to these girls behaviours which is going to do none of them any favours when entering the adult world.

Sassylovesbooks · 04/04/2026 16:06

I think it's better your daughter is no longer friends with this girl. I understand that autism can make a person rigid in their thinking but surely the Mum should be trying to teach her daughter strategies to help her cope, when others don't want to follow her rigidness or do what she wants??

If the girl is expecting to sail through life with everyone doing as she asks and when, then she's going to get a damn big shock!! Children simply won't want to be her friend, and the older she becomes the wider that gap will be.

It sounds like your daughter has a good balance, and is capable of making friends. Encourage her to pursue other friendships, and permanently step away from this one!!

Take a big sigh of relief!!

Pearl69 · 04/04/2026 16:05

Kindly OP, you are giving this all too much head space. Sounds like the friendship was done anyway and your DD has other more positive relationships with other friends and much less drama. Move on and leave the other parent blocked too.