For supporting my autistic child's decision and blowing up my own friendship?

OP has said she waited 2 days. The 'friend' demands instant reply and is very unpleasant when ignored. The unequal expectation is unhealthy for both girls. OP's daughter is learning her boundaries. She might have been at bit over the top by jumping in the game to criticise but she can learn and move on.

I missed that it wasn't actually your DD that ended the friendship afterall.

To an outsider (and possibly to Jane if she has seen the messages so knows it wasnt your DDs decision afterall) it could look a bit like you wanted to get in there first and tell Jane your DD 'ended' it. You also insisted your DD has never had issues, then it gets slipped in a post that yes, there have been, but they were 50/50.

So as pp's have said it seems both parents are absolutely convinced their DC have done nothing wrong, when everyone is equally to blame, so its no wonder the girls are struggling with navigating friendships.

Eta - and have i read that right? Your DD got the hump because this friend didnt want to swap characters?

She is texting her too much, that is why she’s being ignored!!!

Situation shows how ND is complicated and different from person to person.
Other mum is too involved in her daughter's affairs, but that's her business.
OP should let it be and explain to her own dd that since other girl is struggling to cope she should just back off and focus on other friends and activities and that sometimes people fall out and friendships end even when reasons don't make sense.

The problem is, the freind will often ignore her, should OP's DD just wait patiently each time?
Ending the relationship is best, as they don't seem compatible with each other

Tbh I agree it's probably for the best. I completely support [DD's] decision because the constant expectation of [DD] to meet [friends] needs and respect her boundaries ("stop texting "), while refusing to meet [DDs] needs (not to be left on read because it upsets her), is quite unfair and sets an unbalanced dynamic.
I'm sure the girls will be fine on their own paths."

Jane left me on read, blocked me on WhatsApp and keeps posting memes about how she doesn't trust people who don't understand her autistic child.

This is the only part that matters at the end of the day: Jane thinks the world should accommodate her autistic child, including other autistic children. Basically, to hell with any autistic child who isn't her own.

YANBU

It's not a good friendship for your daughter. Encourage her not to return to it.

Op said that "2 days" went by with no response? I would be surprised if my friends ignored my messages for 2 days. I wouldn't jump in a game they were on to castigate them but I kind of get where OPs daughter was coming from. Some friendships are unbalanced. Some of the CF threads on here are testament to that!

Normally in games you don’t dictate to other players their choices.Can you not see that that is the concerning behaviour. I don’t know anyone who would want to be ordered what to do in a game.

The other child decided to end the friendship, not your daughter. 😳She’s happy with that but you clearly aren’t.

I agree with this.

I’m AuDHD and so is my DD. She’s 16 so a little bit older but she’s very young for her age. We have found that friendships with other ND teens can be great as they understand the difficulties, but it can also result in big clashes. We haven’t had big blow-up rows like this, but we have had situations where misunderstandings/frustrations arise because of differing needs.

OP, you’re not doing your DD any favours here by insisting that she’s “blameless”.

Following someone onto a game to question the lack of reply and then continuing to argue when the other person asked for space isn’t ok. Your DD needs to understand that behaviour like that is a problem. She’s certainly not “blameless” here.

It would also be useful for her to develop some coping strategies about being left on read. The ex-friend reassured her there wasn’t a problem. Being autistic herself, she should understand that sometimes it’s difficult to engage with other people, even friends, in a meaningful way. Gaming takes less emotional investment, just like doom scrolling, and it’s easier to manage if you’re feeling overstimulated.

Your DD ultimately has the choice of deciding whether a friend with this style of communication meets her needs. And it’s fine to decide that it doesn’t. It’s fine to end/withdraw from a friendship that isn’t fulfilling and doesn’t make you happy.

It sounds as if there were big clashes here with demands being made on both sides. The fact you’re insisting that your DD is blameless here when she clearly wasn’t does make me wonder how accurate you’re being with the rest of the descriptions about the other child.

Even if the other child has made unreasonable demands in the past it doesn’t excuse your DD’s behaviour here. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

Both mothers have pointed the finger at the other child rather than helping their own daughter navigate the complexities of friendships. They may well have decided to cool the friendship anyway and it’s very possible that they’re not really well-matched as friends. But this has escalated into a war of who’s right while refusing to accept any responsibility for the breakdown in communication or the unnecessary escalation.

OP, your DD may not have any other difficult friendships right now and that’s great. But she will come across situations in her life when she can’t just make demands because she thinks something isn’t fair. If she’s autistic she will need help developing skills to navigate those and denying that she’s in any way at fault here won’t do her any favours in the long term.

This.

You both have ND children who have different needs, views and characteristics.

You should be using these situations to talk about how different people react differently and deal with things in different ways.

All this blocking and taking sides is silly.

My dd has asd.

Imo your dc was comlletely unreasonable - where has she got the idea you cannot read a message without replying? That is crazy. Sometimes people forget, are abroad, dont know what to say. And then to have a go at the other girl on roblox. Tbh it sounds like you are contributing to this as you cant see what you or your dc has done wrong?!
It seems like maybe youes is 'mildly' autistic and the other girl more rigid /severe. Judging from all the previous issues.

My dd moved to secondary with one girl who has been mislabeled autistic. The girl is generally just quite controlling and likes to exclude others. She fell out with another kid on 2 trips. And told lies about dd to the rest of the group before another kids birthday party so thst was very uncomfortable. My dd is pretty severe and cannot talk to others. Suddenly last july the girl was again picking on dd and the friendship broke down. I think it had been really affecting dd all the up and down behaviour. So she is actually happier! But the other girl and friend have been bullying dd in class.
But, i think the other giros parents think she is autistic because of friendship issues but they are not asd issues, more seems a bit spoilt and controlling.

The most i would have done is message friend that your dd doesnt like being left on read (but that is her own issue).

I think asd means self and that makes a lot of sense for the more severe in that it is a bit like selfishness they have to do what they want to do. Struggle to compromise whixh seems the gpcase with both girls.

She was relaxing on a game!!! Said girl shouldn’t be dictating what she has to do and when. If she wants to read a text and relax before answering she can.

RSD can be common and with autism and adhd. It helps to be able to recognise it. Child in the op is autistic, the mother can do what she likes but she asked for advice and I’ve given my advice.

messaged first this time because friend usually calms down and wants to be friends with DD again. But DD is absolutely done and never wants to speak again. I wanted to make it clear the friendship was over and give Jane the chance to talk through the blocking and the end of the friendship with Friend before she discovered by chance that she's blocked on everything. Friend is prone to violent meltdowns so I wanted to at least give Jane the chance to prevent this.

The trouble is, as you’ve said yourself, they regularly fall out and make up.

It is not up to you or your mum to be the go between of them.

You can speak to your DD about her boundaries and how to handle things but neither of you should be playing piggy in the middle.

I am sure friend will be blocked by others at some stage and not all parents can contact the mum and explain.

It was not your problem to get involved in.
If friend found out she was blocked, then her mum could have contacted you and then you could have explained but there was no need to stir the pot or be passive aggressive.

It was the friend who said that she didn’t want to be friends with your DD first and so I’m sure her mum was aware of this.

It almost comes across as you’re annoyed that DDs friend told her she didn’t want to be friends with her and so you wanted to get in there first and tell the mum that DD doesn’t want to be friends with her DD.

The texts between you and the mum sound more childish than the girls, who are more than likely going to be back friends within a couple of days time.

You both just need to take a step back.

Don't pathologise randoms on the Internet!

I think the OP has made it very clear that her DD had a problem with double standard at play, not they lack of immediate reply in and of itself

Exactly this.I don’t reply to messages immediately, neither do my husband, relations and friends. Professionals I work with don’t either. She really does need to learn to wait. I wonder if she struggles with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.

It doesn’t sound like this friendship is healthy for either girl. Best they don’t make up.

It’s full of teaching moments for your dd though. Just because someone has messaged and that has been read, does not mean either party is owed a response. It would be wrong if ex-friend demanded a response from your dd, it’s wrong for your dd to demand a response too. If she can’t handle that, she can’t have a phone.

next - friendships should not be this tricky. Friends should not demand to get their own way. It is completely right for your dd to end this friendship. She must be polite. She doesn’t need to be friends. This is important because if it’s a controlling boyfriend later, your dd needs to know to say no.

No one is saying (I don’t think) that your daughter was sitting indoors all day waiting for a reply.

What people are trying to say is that is entirely unreasonable to expect immediate responses from another person - ND or not - and you could have used this as a teaching moment for your daughter.

It is NOT a healthy or normal expectation, whether it’s a teen friendship, a colleague or an adult friendship.

I think you should have explained this to your daughter.

I also don’t think you wading in, taking sides etc is helpful.

As parents we are supposed to help our kids to navigate tricky situations with the ability to be self aware, not just defend them blindly. It’s not helpful.

There will be other people in future who find your DD’s need for reply/instant acknowledgement suffocating and you would have been better to discuss that with her, than blame the friend.

Didn’t the friend end it? Your daughter does sound intense and my autistic dd would feel overwhelmed by such behaviour too. I think anybody that gets so upset by unread text messages maybe shouldn’t be using the system. I think you’re too over invested and over involved in this. The friend has ended it, move on.

I speak as a ND mum with a ND daughter.

Which does include not attempting to contact somebody by another channel if they've already felt unable to respond (or plain don't want to).

Actually, while I stand by what I wrote, I don't think this quite deals with the full extent of your situation.

I think your DD is better off without her friend and you are better off without yours too.

They both sound high drama, and controlling. The mum isn't helping her DD to learn to exist in the world by acting in the way she has historically done. It's not good for your DD to bend herself around another person to such an extent, so often. What does that teach her about her place in her relationships?

It's not healthy or normal for your own friendship to be on the knife edge of you conforming to the other mum's unreasonable expectations for how the world should accommodate her DD.