For supporting my autistic child's decision and blowing up my own friendship?

I think the issue here is actually that both the mums are also on the spectrum with black and white/rigid thinking.

Not sure any advice here is going to be taken on board.

Absolutely this. But totally understand OP being upset as you just want to protect them. Best thing not to get involved though and use it as a learning experience as @waterrat says. As a parent of a neurodivergent 12 year old, I totally understand how difficult it is not to jump to their defence, as both Mums did here, because you know how difficult things are for your child. Hopefully though you can help your daughter to learn from this going forward.

I've been reading and planning how I was going to word my own post, but this poster sums it up more succinctly than I could have done.

All four of you are being unreasonable. It's understandable given the amount of neuro diversity going on. But it's time to draw a line. The relationships weren't doing any of you any good.

Move on, and don't get involved in any more of your DD's friendship spats.

You really shouldn’t be texting the mum about your daughters falling out.
I would have told my daughter that her friend was entitled to reply when she is ready - if somebody wrote a letter, the recipient would read it and then reply at leisure, not straight away, and you wouldn’t even know when they got it. Text messages should be given the same merit.
You two need to let your daughters sort it out, sure you can advise them but don’t text each other, you’re making into way more of a drama then it needs to be.

And I say this as a ND adult with ND now grown up children.

I think in this instance your daughter was in the wrong and you should have spoken to her about it.

My DS is likely autistic and he finds the social aspect of texting and calling overwhelming. His friends often have a go at him if he’s on a game and doesn’t want to talk to them. I’ve told him that he doesn’t need to talk to anyone and he doesn’t need to defend why he is playing a game and not wanting to message or call.

Your friends daughter said she is overwhelmed and that should be the end of it. If she wants to play Roblox that is no one else’s business. She shouldn’t need to answer to anyone.

I wouldn’t have sent the texts you did (if wanted to stay friends) I would have left it. You brought up unrelated insults about her daughter (even though true, truth hurts) and it comes across as very tit for tat. Also sending more that one follow up message especially when someone is overwhelmed does come across a bit controlling, like something an abusive boyfriend might do (although I know this wasn’t your dd intention this was her trying hard to work around a compromise). I don’t think the girls should be best friends but chat to them about being civil and polite at school and with mutual friends. Give head of year a heads up so she can signpost them to support at school if needed.

Good post, @Thepeopleversuswork.

I haven't accepted responses about DDs behaviour because I didn't ask if DDs behaviour was unreasonable. Given the context and history of the friendship I don't feel it was. Hope that clarifies things.

With respect OP it doesn't work like this. Your DD's behaviour is part of this dynamic, whether you like it or not. You can't throw out a complex behavioural dilemma to people to comment on and ask them not to comment on this part of it.

Your DD was being pushy and borderline controlling with demanding responses to the messages and confronting this child on Roblox. It's irrelevant whether the other girl does this or not, it's behaviour which she needs to curtail and its your job to help her understand why it will alienate people and push them away. The other girl didn't behave well either but that's outside of your control: you do have authority over your daughter and you need to teach her that hassling people online (regardless of whether they've done it to others) won't end well.

I think both girls are struggling with the relationship and neither behaved well. The neurodivergence is almost an irrelevance: it sounds as if the relationship isn't mutually supportive any more and has probably run its course.

Above all I think you and your friend Jane both need to take a huge step back. You're both far too involved in this. Multigenerational friendships like this are fraught with pitfalls, I know from personal experience. You can't control what happens between your daughters, beyond the most serious situations, and you shouldn't try to. If you want to salvage your friendship with Jane you need to take a big step back now.

It would have been better to have said, The girls fought about a game. It's typical MN to get responses wrapped up in details that just don't matter. 🙄
I'd ignore those replies.

Honestly it doesn’t even matter. I think going over and over it isn’t healthy for any of you. So many missed teaching moments, so many moments you could have walked away without hurt feelings, so many examples of why these friendships didn’t work for anyone, but it took this ridiculous falling out for the girls to finally be done. Great! They are handling it in the best way possible. Probably this would have happened long ago if you and Jane hadn’t kept wading in.

I find it absolutely unbelievable that parents get so involved in all this teenage drama nonsense. Let them get on with it. Give advice when asked. Don't argue with another mother about whose fault it is/was.

So its as i said, it was never, no issues with other friends, and variants of never, until yes you slipped in there have been a few and they were 50/50. Thats all I was pointing out, that your version has changed, that initially it was your DD has never had issues, then actually she has .

There has been a lot said about the friend/mum not understanding your DDs autism, but it seems theres also a lack on your/your DDs part in this friends autism. E.g. is it possible the friend initially agreed re the game to keep the peace? It is a bit unusual for teens in secondary school to gatekeep how a game is played and get upset if someone decides they dont want to swap afterall (but I do appreciate that could be down to the ND aspects, so tricky all round, as its not particularly easy going to not swap either!)

Respectfully, your I don’t think you understand the distinction between ‘comprehending my comments’ and ‘thinking I’m right’.

She talks sense and you are again ignoring the advice and opinions you asked for when they don’t agree with you .

So you’re picking the advice and opinions you agree with.

It’s not the replying it’s the thread in the first place. You’re asking for advice and opinions and are ignoring them.

Im not trying to catch you out, you've repeatedly said your DD has no issues with any other friends, not just in the context of the phone. Never, in one post...

Separately your DD might benefit from learning some gaming etiquette for the future. Its not really the 'done' thing or very easy going to dictate how a game is played just because you own it. Tbf I learned that the hard way on Sonic when I stamped my feet a bit when I wanted to be Tails and my friend refused and I pulled the "but its MY game" and my older gaming bro overheard and guided me 😳

You are not listening, nobody is saying a child can't be upset by childish things but you need to be the adult in the room instead of joining in, for all the examples.

You might say friend does this, friend does that, but unfortunately in your example Friend was feeling harassed by DD and your solution was to get her mum involved in the hope of harassing her further to answer a bloody text

Next time your DD is upset at being "left on read," you explain people are busy, you distract her, maybe remove the phone and return it to her later if it's causing stress. Teach her to cope with these childish feelings and grow, for her own sake. This is a non event that you've turned into a source of upset for four people.

Well the friend has realised how unhealthy it is and has ended it so you have nothing to support. Move on, she has.You’re waaaay too invested.

I think this is the heart of it. Jane is so deep in the trenches with her own childs autism she can't see (or doesn't care) that another autistic child has their own challenges to deal with.
It's probably for the best that this friendship has run it's course for the girls. Onward and upward.

Posting the memes does make me laugh though. Making digs at you and your child while at the same time posting her #bekind memes 😁