So angry at husband and cannot let it go

I’d say the woman’s size isn’t relevant here. Plenty of bigger women have partners who can’t get enough of them. The four year gap is unlikely to be because you were a size 12.

Are you very young? Surely you can't be unaware that this is why larger women are feared and disparaged by men who feel their masculinity is threatened? Fat is a feminist issue and all that passed you by?

It’s not your weight. He’s just saying that to hurt you because he’s an insecure twat about his lack of sex drive.

This is not a good enough reason. You have described a predator

So sorry for your losses.

If you have any inheritance put it in a separate account and don’t touch it. Don’t use it for anything.

He is abusive. Full stop. You deserve better.

This man doesn’t love you. Doesn’t respect you. He’s not going to be nice if you leave him.

Please start separation and leave this awful man. You're not wrong to suspect he's closeted to be honest. Many men are . But thats on him ,his terrible treatment of you is what's more important. Get rid of this absolute pig of a man

If he's gay or asexual then your weight would have nothing to do with the fact he didn't want sex with you though?

You need to leave him. He's not making you happy and that's a good enough reason to get rid.

Sorry for what im
about to post, but it’s highly unlikely he will have gone without sex for 4 years with his type of mindset. he would have been getting it elsewhere.

Sadly I had this situation twice - identical behavior (and an ASD child in the second one). With the first chap he met me at 18. I was very young for my age, he was a lot older. I only left him for good after I met the second one who targeted me at work - this chap admitted that what drew him was my ‘lost’ vulnerability (unsurprisingly I was later DXd with Sadly I was way too naive to see this for the massive red flag it was. I had a child with him. Again, manipulation but I couldn’t face another termination. Stayed because I thought it was right thing to do (plus also on my knees with exhaustion). Put up with all the stuff you described and worse. I only managed to leave after a particularly bad night when he’d forced me out and locked himself inside with my child, so I got a neighbour to call the police. The lightbulb moment was when my ASD child said he didn’t want to live with his dad anymore.

of course from an outsider pov you could wonder what the heck I was thinking to let it get that far but only women who have experienced this can truly understand it.

co parenting with him wasn’t easy. I got an occupation order to stay in the flat - he had to leave and I got on with being a single parent. The shedding of the burden was indescribable. However hard it was being single parent it was never as hard as being with those men.

the best thing you can do for yourself now is discretely consult a solicitor. If money or access to money is an issue there are ways and means, regularly covered in these forums.

for your own sanity you must start taking steps to leave. But I cannot stress enough that you need to do this discretely as things could get much harder if he realises. Men like this never go quietly. Ditch the sex therapist and spend it on a solicitor. You can’t change his personality.

I'm a huge advocate of saving marriages especially when children are involved. In this instance I believe according to your posts your marriage is a lost cause. The only thing you should be considering now is when you intend to tell him it's over.

I assume that yes if you actually love someone and care about them, who they are on the inside is what counts. No matter how we change we love and support each other through life. Isn’t that the whole point of marriage.
Not I will marry and love you as long as you stay skinny and get Botox or I’ll trade you in for someone else.

I don’t really understand your logic. You think as you and your husband still fancy each other when fat, then everyone should? Surely you know human attraction doesn’t work like this for everyone?

Sounds kinda fishy. When I met husband I was like a size 10. I went to a size 12 for a long time after a surgery. After kids I was heavier still up to a 18 at my heaviest. I’m now a 16. My husband has never lacked interest in the bedroom, at any of these weights. He has also now gained weight and I still love him and want him. Sounds like an excuse.

OP has stated she has told her husband not to approach her sexually following approaches when she has lost weight so he obviously does want sex but only when she is slimmer.

FFS poster says she knows her H won't approach her sexually because he deems her overweight even when she's underweight at times and has told her so and posters rush to tell her she's wrong and it's the poor fat lambs age or depression or what-the-fuck-ever lame excuse they want to throw at it.

Typical MN gaslighting.

I think SHE would know better WHY than we would given that she's the one who has had conversations about it. 🙄

You would he happier without him.

Its not always that easy to up sticks and clear off, especially with young children. The only reason I stayed with my abusive ex was because I had nowhere to go and no money.
"Just leave the Bstard" seems to be the mantra of Mumsnet. Unfortunately many are trapped in horrible relationships and have little chance of escape

Gently, you don’t need a sex therapist as sex isn’t the issue here.

You are just delaying having to separate but you’re just wasting more of your life.

Use that money to move out instead.

You'll always have two children together, regardless of being married or not.

Am pretty sure you, and the children would be happy in a house where the parents don't shout at each other and, well, basically don't like each other. Children will pick up on this vibe.

You know what? You have one shot at this. One life, if you don't think about children living in a happy house, why on earth would you want to live your life with anger, regret? Doesn't make sense to me.

My husband and I never argue and never show anything in front of the kids

Yeah, including a healthy affectionate relationship between their parents. Your 18 year old has grown up with this model of how to have a relationship. They'll have also seen their friend's parents who, I assume, do love each other. So no wonder it's causing some suspicion.

You could lose 90KG in an instant by dumping him and starting to work on getting your confidence and self esteem back.

Would you be happier on your own? In practical terms can you divorce and live without him? If so why on earth are you still with him - your life seems utterly miserable.
You need to create a happier life for yourself - be brave and take the ne necessary steps.

Sorry just rtft. Op this whole set up is awful I’m so sorry

Just divorce at this point. This is a horrific way to live