So angry at husband and cannot let it go

Is he attracted to thin, flat chested women? It’s just that you said he only really looks at very young women, young men and you when you were very slim. I’m wondering if he’s going for a boyish / very young look. I am only mentioning this because you also mentioned the consent issue along with the zero lack of sexual interest unless you are thin and the whole thing seems a worry so YANBU.

Buy him a plastic life size skeleton and stick a dress on it. Tell him it's his new girlfriend, but not to crush her with his excessive bulk. Laugh loudly at him whilst doing this.

Watch American drama series Masters of Sex. Particularly the couple played by Beau Bridges and Alison Janney

I am very confused here. You don’t find him attractive now that he is overweight, so why is it a problem that he feels the same way about you if you were heavier?

It’s also clear that there’s a huge communication issue in your marriage. Letting this go for four years isn’t unusual (I know many people in sexless marriages), but what they all have in common is a lack of communication.

The fact that you feel like you “wasted your youthful beauty on him” makes me believe that you place a lot of emphasis on your appearance and what you expect to receive in return.

Fgs. Women come in all shapes and sizes and men are attracted to women of all shapes and sizes. A preference for a slim woman, smaller boobs or short hair doesn’t equal gay. Being a man who’s attracted to men makes you gay.

Re. your updates, before doubting yourself any further or doing anything to try and change your own sexual response, I would try and get a look at his Internet history. There is something very disturbing about a man who has such extreme, narrow and rigid sexual preferences (fetishes?) with his long term partner and who can also force sex without your consent and possibly conflates sex with aggression. As others have said, porn adduction is a concern, maybe violent porn, as is his attraction to youthful androgynous body shapes.

I'm not usually someone to raise the alarm and shout LTB, but you have an 11yr old entering puberty so I would want to know fully what I was dealing with.

I have to agree, although I think the basis is in having physical chemistry. Sadly you can have physical chemistry with an abusuve partner. Therein lies the danger. If you find physical chemistry with a decent person then you’ve basically hit the jackpot and it’s very true that no matter how either of you changes you always find your way back to each other, even once the hormones are no longer front and centre. By that point you’ve built a deep connection than transcends the physical. I feel hugely lucky to have found this eventually. If my partner started behaving badly now I’d assume he was ill.

do you want sex?
do you find your hubby attractive? Still love him, best friend, supporting partner otherwise?

I think you have to decide if this can be saved.

you deserve to be loved for who you are regardless of weight, you deserve to feel sexy and attractive both from your eyes and your partners.

I don’t often say a LtB from one post but dropping that particular weight is probably going to do your self worth & self confidence a whole lot of good.

our beauty is not determined by our size or youth

OP, if he is actually gay, it could be that he is only sexually attracted to you when you are very slim ie with a more boy-like figure. At a size 12 you maybe had bigger boobs and bum - more curvy and womanly - so that might be the reason why.

Apart from the lack of sex, he really doesn't sound like a pleasant, uplifting person to be around.

I think it's time to get your ducks in a row ...

He might be a common or garden perv. I have a friend who is tiny and always has been even now in her late 40s. Honestly, the number of relationships she has ended with men who turned out to be tiny-woman creeps and wanted her to play out their little fetishes and fantasies about overpowering a petite woman or pedo-borderline stuff. Some of the things she has told me they have said or done and wanted her to say or do brings vomit into my mouth.

Either way, it sounds as if the attraction and respect has gone so it makes sense to just go your separate ways.

I was in a relationship for 29 years, married for 19, two DC. He was the same, zero interest in me sexually and when I think back, there were red flags from when we were married. He seemed happy to have a 'mates' relationship with me. My self esteem was on the floor because he was kind in other ways, so I thought I was just unloveable in that way. Long story short, he was having affairs , got caught out and kicked him out two years ago.

It is the best thing that could have happened to me. I am not dating or looking for another relationship but I am having the most life affirming time looking after myself, finding out who I am, taking great joy in new interests, retraining, solo travel.

Don't be scared of being alone, it is a freedom that I won't give up easily ever again.

That isn't a valid reason to put up with a guy who's not interested in you sexually.

BTW, I think you need to lose some more weigh, about 150lb, in the form of your miserable, disrespectful, abusive husband.

Life doesn't have to be like this, you know.🙂

The details don't matter, if you're not happy, you should leave this marriage. Is there a reason why you feel you can't?

Love does. And that’s what a marriage should be based on.

You think he might be gay?
He looks at young women his daughters age.
He likes you to be tiny or he's not interested.
Do you look very young @DeepRubySwan .
Does he watch porn? What is he watching?

You sound so unhappy in this marriage and from your description I'm not surprised.
I hope you're able to safely extracte yourself when the time is right

And you're raising your children in a household where the adults don't love each other, don't even like each other. Don't kid yourself that they won't pick up on that - you said yourself "my 18 yr old suspects I think". So will your youngest - they might not know where the tension is coming from, but they will know it's there.Would you be happy for them to be in a relationship like yours? Of course you wouldn't - so why are you modelling this relationship behaviour to them?

It can be difficult to contemplate ending a marriage. We can convince ourselves that it's better for everyone if we grit our teeth and soldier on. But it really isn't better for 'everyone' when you stand back and look at it. It isn't better for you. It isn't better for your children, living in such dysfunction. It isn't even better for him either, if you really think about it. In fact, it's better for no-one. If you really can't end the charade of happy families for yourself, then do it for your children.

Having had 2 children with a man does not mean that you have to remain married

Your children know it's a toxic marriage

Get out now

Exactly this. It's so sad 😭

The body they desire is a slim woman? Or they fancy young boys? And think slim women look like boys? As far as I'm aware they don't look like boys especially? But I don't doubt what you say is true among some people.

I agree 100% with this. They are probably just used to it by now.

I simply cannot see how anyone is getting anything even remotely positive from this relationship.

Why are you staying?
there is so much wrapped up in this obsession around weight when clearly your marriage is miserable.

So he's a rapist and a pervert.
And abusive to top it all off.
Do not stay with this man

There is absolutely no way that an eighteen year old and an eleven year old are living in a home with two parents and are unaware that their relationship with one another is toxic. They will be able to see other people who like one another, friendships and relationships and how those people act towards one another. They will have friends who the like and who like them back who tray one another in a different way to their parents.

As others have said gay men have often had beards who are super slim as there is a link to the body they actually desire