Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want DH to reduce work for better family balance?

56 replies

Coleman93 · 04/04/2026 00:42

Context to follow but as the higher earner AIBU to want DH to take a step back from his career so we have a better balance at home and with our DS?

Both DH and I currently work FT pressured jobs (corporate so it’s definitely not life or death!) - I work over 4 days, he tends to work longer hours due to the industry. I’m in a Director level role earning 50% more than he is in a sales mgmt role. We have one DS, 4yo. We earn good money, have the usual mortgage / bills etc to pay for, nothing out of the ordinary.

I particularly struggle with the fact that DS spends a lot of time (4 full days per week feels like a lot to me!) at nursery/with grandparents, but whilst he’s been at nursery it’s worked okay. DS is happy and settled.

Facing the transition to school has us both concerned about finding available childcare, until recently I was fully remote, I now attend the office 1-2 days per week. We will need wrap around care at least 3 if not 4 days per week, plus all the school hols. (I plan to have at least 1 day per week where I work from home so can do drop and pick up etc).

I appreciate we are in a fortunate position for me to even be able to consider this because some families, due to affordability, have no choice but to have both parents work FT, or are single parent households. That is one of the reasons I struggle tbh, because it feels like greed rather than necessity that DS will be cared for by lots of people other than us.

We could afford to cover outgoings and live within our means on my salary alone but not on my DH salary.

We both acknowledge life would be easier and preferable for DS if one of us worked at least PT, and we both grew up in households where mum was available for drop off/pick up everyday and all the holidays.

But my DH wouldn’t even contemplate altering his job/trying to look for something more flexible or PT. AIBU to want him to rethink? It makes much more sense financially for me to be the main earner, even if just for a short time.

Yes we could sell our house and downsize, and cut back so we could live within our means on his salary but that feels like a lot of sacrifice for all of us so he gets to keep his job…

I love him and want him to be happy, fulfilled, etc. and imagine if he did step back for a few years he’d probably hate it and resent us both for it, which is genuinely equally gutting and infuriating, if I wasn’t earning so much more, despite absolutely loving my career, I’d do it as I truly believe it would benefit us all during these short years while DS is little, sad he doesn’t feel the same.

OP posts:
JG24 · 29/07/2026 19:49

Coleman93 · 29/07/2026 18:38

Thank you to this person!!

Since posting I’ve started a new job now earning double my DH salary, still on 4 days per week (!! So I could be earning 20% more if I did the fifth day) and sorting all the faff that comes with preparing for school and organising wrap around care and if I’m honest I think attitudes like ones in this thread that think I’m unreasonable for expecting him to sacrifice more are exactly why we have such an issue with gender pay gap and unequal division of labour in the home. I feel more strongly than ever that I am still sacrificing performance at work and earning potential because my DH simply doesn’t want to sacrifice.

When you have kids something has to give and it’s wild to me that so many people think that the lower earner shouldn’t be the one to compromise if it makes most sense for the whole family. I hear all the feedback about childcare but the key point is we both agree we want to avoid heavy reliance if we can (we get the village, it’s not mum guilt, it’s just wanting to avoid our kid spending 40-50 hours a week elsewhere!)

All that said, my DH isn’t planning any changes to career or work so wish me luck not resenting him for the rest of our married lives once we get to September and I negotiate flex working pattern so I can be available to cover the gaps we have in holiday childcare!

Show quote history

I really really relate to this.
I earn about 40% more than my partner but my career has much more chance of progressing to a high salary, whereas my partner's job is fairly fixed and he doesn't have much interest in progressing even if he had the opportunity
Along with this I have flexible hours, work from home so can do pick up and drop off and appointments...
I am already planning to move to 4 days and have 2 half days so I can pick my child up from school on time at least 2 days a week...
My partner just won't consider it, his response is that his job isn't flexible...but he just won't ask4

Original poster
Coleman93 · 12/08/2026 21:00

JG24 · 29/07/2026 19:49

I really really relate to this.
I earn about 40% more than my partner but my career has much more chance of progressing to a high salary, whereas my partner's job is fairly fixed and he doesn't have much interest in progressing even if he had the opportunity
Along with this I have flexible hours, work from home so can do pick up and drop off and appointments...
I am already planning to move to 4 days and have 2 half days so I can pick my child up from school on time at least 2 days a week...
My partner just won't consider it, his response is that his job isn't flexible...but he just won't ask4

Edited
Show quote history

I think we’re in the same boat! After I posted this (I’d had a really long day at work, was late home, my DH was supposed to be doing nursery pick up that day but was also late so called my poor mum who stepped in for us without telling me as he knew I’d be upset - hence my rather ranty post lol) I came home and was really upfront with him - this can’t continue, I’ve sacrificed enough and now it’s his turn because it’s not fair that I’ve already sacrificed so much over the last 4 years, he needs to step up. To his credit he’s totally listened, is going to do a Monday drop off and pick up and is doing 50% of the nursery/my parents drops and picks now. We’ll see how it goes when September rolls around, but I at least feel like things are a little more equal. It’s still not perfect, we’re still relying on lots of help so we can both work all hours, and I genuinely still would go properly part time for a bit if we could afford it, but this is better than nothing!

Hope you manage to work something out that works for you xx

OP posts:
likeafishneedsabike · 12/08/2026 21:42

Mh67 · 05/04/2026 08:40

Just use a childminder. Then it's just one person consistent daily. It frees up grandparents to enjoy their retirement

Worked for us. They had great friends at the childminder’s. Luckily we were always there to get them early ish so they only spent about an hour and a half there after school each day. But for kids whose parents finished later, the childminder had dinner on the go when we arrived to collect.
Only needed childminder from reception to the summer of Year 5, when kids around here start to make the short walk home independently at age 10. I appreciate that in some areas the independent phase probably starts later.

Original poster
Coleman93 · 25/08/2026 19:59

likeafishneedsabike · 12/08/2026 21:42

Worked for us. They had great friends at the childminder’s. Luckily we were always there to get them early ish so they only spent about an hour and a half there after school each day. But for kids whose parents finished later, the childminder had dinner on the go when we arrived to collect.
Only needed childminder from reception to the summer of Year 5, when kids around here start to make the short walk home independently at age 10. I appreciate that in some areas the independent phase probably starts later.

Show quote history

Sounds lovely, but there arent any childminders with availability for us unfortunately!

OP posts:
GOODCAT · 25/08/2026 20:07

Neither parent should have to work part time if they don't want to. Either you both need enough flexibility in your roles to cover child care or pay for pickups and drop offs or exchange with another parent and pick up both sets of kids for each other.

Truetoself · 25/08/2026 20:17

You could work out how much money is required to sustain your current lifestyle and then work out what each of you could contribute?

if it was the other way round and he was the higher earner, I think you probably would agree to reducing your hours right?

Maybe he could look for a job that pays better so you can reduce your hours if that is what you are wanting to do?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread