AIBU to want DH to reduce work for better family balance?

Coleman93 · 2026-04-03T23:42:04+00:00

Context to follow but as the higher earner AIBU to want DH to take a step back from his career so we have a better balance at home and with our DS? Both DH and I currently work FT pressured jobs (corporate so it’s definitely not life or death!) - I work over 4 days, he tends to work longer hours due to the industry. I’m in a Director level role earning 50% more than he is in a sales mgmt role. We have one DS, 4yo. We earn good money, have the usual mortgage / bills etc to pay for, nothing out of the ordinary. I particularly struggle with the fact that DS spends a lot of time (4 full days per week feels like a lot to me!) at nursery/with grandparents, but whilst he’s been at nursery it’s worked okay. DS is happy and settled. Facing the transition to school has us both concerned about finding available childcare, until recently I was fully remote, I now attend the office 1-2 days per week. We will need wrap around care at least 3 if not 4 days per week, plus all the school hols. (I plan to have at least 1 day per week where I work from home so can do drop and pick up etc). I appreciate we are in a fortunate position for me to even be able to consider this because some families, due to affordability, have no choice but to have both parents work FT, or are single parent households. That is one of the reasons I struggle tbh, because it feels like greed rather than necessity that DS will be cared for by lots of people other than us. We could afford to cover outgoings and live within our means on my salary alone but not on my DH salary. We both acknowledge life would be easier and preferable for DS if one of us worked at least PT, and we both grew up in households where mum was available for drop off/pick up everyday and all the holidays. But my DH wouldn’t even contemplate altering his job/trying to look for something more flexible or PT. AIBU to want him to rethink? It makes much more sense financially for me to be the main earner, even if just for a short time. Yes we could sell our house and downsize, and cut back so we could live within our means on his salary but that feels like a lot of sacrifice for all of us so he gets to keep his job… I love him and want him to be happy, fulfilled, etc. and imagine if he did step back for a few years he’d probably hate it and resent us both for it, which is genuinely equally gutting and infuriating, if I wasn’t earning so much more, despite absolutely loving my career, I’d do it as I truly believe it would benefit us all during these short years while DS is little, sad he doesn’t feel the same.

Truetoself · 25/08/2026 20:17

You could work out how much money is required to sustain your current lifestyle and then work out what each of you could contribute?

if it was the other way round and he was the higher earner, I think you probably would agree to reducing your hours right?

Maybe he could look for a job that pays better so you can reduce your hours if that is what you are wanting to do?

GOODCAT · 25/08/2026 20:07

Neither parent should have to work part time if they don't want to. Either you both need enough flexibility in your roles to cover child care or pay for pickups and drop offs or exchange with another parent and pick up both sets of kids for each other.

Original poster

Coleman93 · 25/08/2026 19:59

likeafishneedsabike · 12/08/2026 21:42

Worked for us. They had great friends at the childminder’s. Luckily we were always there to get them early ish so they only spent about an hour and a half there after school each day. But for kids whose parents finished later, the childminder had dinner on the go when we arrived to collect.
Only needed childminder from reception to the summer of Year 5, when kids around here start to make the short walk home independently at age 10. I appreciate that in some areas the independent phase probably starts later.

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Sounds lovely, but there arent any childminders with availability for us unfortunately!

OP posts:

likeafishneedsabike · 12/08/2026 21:42

Mh67 · 05/04/2026 08:40

Just use a childminder. Then it's just one person consistent daily. It frees up grandparents to enjoy their retirement

Worked for us. They had great friends at the childminder’s. Luckily we were always there to get them early ish so they only spent about an hour and a half there after school each day. But for kids whose parents finished later, the childminder had dinner on the go when we arrived to collect.
Only needed childminder from reception to the summer of Year 5, when kids around here start to make the short walk home independently at age 10. I appreciate that in some areas the independent phase probably starts later.

Original poster

Coleman93 · 12/08/2026 21:00

JG24 · 29/07/2026 19:49

I really really relate to this.
I earn about 40% more than my partner but my career has much more chance of progressing to a high salary, whereas my partner's job is fairly fixed and he doesn't have much interest in progressing even if he had the opportunity
Along with this I have flexible hours, work from home so can do pick up and drop off and appointments...
I am already planning to move to 4 days and have 2 half days so I can pick my child up from school on time at least 2 days a week...
My partner just won't consider it, his response is that his job isn't flexible...but he just won't ask4

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I think we’re in the same boat! After I posted this (I’d had a really long day at work, was late home, my DH was supposed to be doing nursery pick up that day but was also late so called my poor mum who stepped in for us without telling me as he knew I’d be upset - hence my rather ranty post lol) I came home and was really upfront with him - this can’t continue, I’ve sacrificed enough and now it’s his turn because it’s not fair that I’ve already sacrificed so much over the last 4 years, he needs to step up. To his credit he’s totally listened, is going to do a Monday drop off and pick up and is doing 50% of the nursery/my parents drops and picks now. We’ll see how it goes when September rolls around, but I at least feel like things are a little more equal. It’s still not perfect, we’re still relying on lots of help so we can both work all hours, and I genuinely still would go properly part time for a bit if we could afford it, but this is better than nothing!

Hope you manage to work something out that works for you xx

OP posts:

JG24 · 29/07/2026 19:49

Coleman93 · 29/07/2026 18:38

Thank you to this person!!

Since posting I’ve started a new job now earning double my DH salary, still on 4 days per week (!! So I could be earning 20% more if I did the fifth day) and sorting all the faff that comes with preparing for school and organising wrap around care and if I’m honest I think attitudes like ones in this thread that think I’m unreasonable for expecting him to sacrifice more are exactly why we have such an issue with gender pay gap and unequal division of labour in the home. I feel more strongly than ever that I am still sacrificing performance at work and earning potential because my DH simply doesn’t want to sacrifice.

When you have kids something has to give and it’s wild to me that so many people think that the lower earner shouldn’t be the one to compromise if it makes most sense for the whole family. I hear all the feedback about childcare but the key point is we both agree we want to avoid heavy reliance if we can (we get the village, it’s not mum guilt, it’s just wanting to avoid our kid spending 40-50 hours a week elsewhere!)

All that said, my DH isn’t planning any changes to career or work so wish me luck not resenting him for the rest of our married lives once we get to September and I negotiate flex working pattern so I can be available to cover the gaps we have in holiday childcare!

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I really really relate to this.
I earn about 40% more than my partner but my career has much more chance of progressing to a high salary, whereas my partner's job is fairly fixed and he doesn't have much interest in progressing even if he had the opportunity
Along with this I have flexible hours, work from home so can do pick up and drop off and appointments...
I am already planning to move to 4 days and have 2 half days so I can pick my child up from school on time at least 2 days a week...
My partner just won't consider it, his response is that his job isn't flexible...but he just won't ask4

Firefly100 · 29/07/2026 19:27

I don’t think you can expect him to give up work if he doesn’t want to, but in your situation I would demand he does at least 50% of the effort of parenting - 50% drop offs / pick ups, 50% of the organisation and prep of managing children in school (split the tasks). I’d stop going out of my way to work reduce hours / wfh etc etc whilst he carries on regardless. He wants a full time job with small children? Then let him experience a full time job. WITH THE EFFORT OF small children. As things are, where is his incentive to change? There is no problem from his POV cause you are sorting it all. You can start by letting him sort out wrap around care. Maybe go back to work 5 days/wk. It’s likely less stress doing 5 days and 50% home care than 100% care in 1 day.

RandomMess · 29/07/2026 19:11

I think you need to spell it out to your DH that you’re resentful he won’t pull his weight by compromising and doing his share around childcare cover and it sounds like all of the mental load around it is also on you?

Original poster

Coleman93 · 29/07/2026 18:38

MJagain · 11/04/2026 17:32

Yea he needs to put his money where his mouth is and move to 4 days / compressed hours etc, just like so many women do. He needs to commit to doing the school run at least 1 day / week. How he makes that work
is up to him. Hardly much to ask

Show quote history

Thank you to this person!!

Since posting I’ve started a new job now earning double my DH salary, still on 4 days per week (!! So I could be earning 20% more if I did the fifth day) and sorting all the faff that comes with preparing for school and organising wrap around care and if I’m honest I think attitudes like ones in this thread that think I’m unreasonable for expecting him to sacrifice more are exactly why we have such an issue with gender pay gap and unequal division of labour in the home. I feel more strongly than ever that I am still sacrificing performance at work and earning potential because my DH simply doesn’t want to sacrifice.

When you have kids something has to give and it’s wild to me that so many people think that the lower earner shouldn’t be the one to compromise if it makes most sense for the whole family. I hear all the feedback about childcare but the key point is we both agree we want to avoid heavy reliance if we can (we get the village, it’s not mum guilt, it’s just wanting to avoid our kid spending 40-50 hours a week elsewhere!)

All that said, my DH isn’t planning any changes to career or work so wish me luck not resenting him for the rest of our married lives once we get to September and I negotiate flex working pattern so I can be available to cover the gaps we have in holiday childcare!

OP posts:

MJagain · 11/04/2026 17:33

LittleBearPad · 11/04/2026 16:22

You will find when they go to school that there are very few kids who have one of their parents at home. ASC, childminders, holiday clubs are all pretty standard.

This is true but it’s usually a mix of all those things. Very unusual to have a SAHP parent but also very unusual to be in childcare more than 3 days/week

MJagain · 11/04/2026 17:32

Coleman93 · 11/04/2026 16:16

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. Definitely not pressuring him just to be clear - sharing my thoughts here but certainly not putting it to DH this way, I wholeheartedly agree there should be no double standards when it comes to men/women and reducing hours.

I am already 4 days p/w and have made lots of work related sacrifices over the years that DH hasn’t which I think is where my head is at - not expecting him to do something he doesn’t want to but I am a bit gutted he doesn’t want to despite flagging that he’s worried about school and our DS spending so much time in the care of others.

Loads of helpful reassuring and suggestions about working and using wrap/childminders etc which has helped alleviate some mum guilt! Thanks all

Yea he needs to put his money where his mouth is and move to 4 days / compressed hours etc, just like so many women do. He needs to commit to doing the school run at least 1 day / week. How he makes that work
is up to him. Hardly much to ask

LittleBearPad · 11/04/2026 16:22

You will find when they go to school that there are very few kids who have one of their parents at home. ASC, childminders, holiday clubs are all pretty standard.

Original poster

Coleman93 · 11/04/2026 16:16

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. Definitely not pressuring him just to be clear - sharing my thoughts here but certainly not putting it to DH this way, I wholeheartedly agree there should be no double standards when it comes to men/women and reducing hours.

I am already 4 days p/w and have made lots of work related sacrifices over the years that DH hasn’t which I think is where my head is at - not expecting him to do something he doesn’t want to but I am a bit gutted he doesn’t want to despite flagging that he’s worried about school and our DS spending so much time in the care of others.

Loads of helpful reassuring and suggestions about working and using wrap/childminders etc which has helped alleviate some mum guilt! Thanks all

OP posts:

TalulahJP · 05/04/2026 09:59

a couple i know do compressed hours. he takes a friday off and she takes a monday off. tues-thurs they do one daily pick up or drop off each (ie start work early and finish early to do pick up, or do drop off and then start work late and finish late) and wrap around childcare is working fine. they take turns to collect sick children. it’s not all on her.

if you and dh could do this - or even drop a half day a week each (thats not very much) - then you’d earn almost the same as now and have a little more time in hand so you wouldn’t have to work so early/late to make up for your days off. but make sure youre not doing the same amount of work for less pay. it happens so frequently abd is not fair. the discussion heeds had at the time and put in writing what is to be dropped.

The alternative would be to change 9-5 to 8-4 for one parent and 10-6 for the other if that’s enough time to do drop off and get to work.

youll need something in place for summer so youre right to think about this now as places fill up quickly once available.

RandomMess · 05/04/2026 09:25

Could your DH do compressed hours. Full time hours in 4 days per week or 9 days per fortnight? Or 4 long days and one half day between school drop off and pick up?

firstofallimadelight · 05/04/2026 09:12

2 days asc, a day with grandparents picking up and 2 days where you pick up sounds do able.

in the hols can you and your dh take a day off each annual leave so in 12 weeks of hols (not including Xmas week as presumably you both will be off) you will use 12 holiday days each on childcare. (Possibly 6-10 if you take into account the other bank hols and 1 or 2 weeks family holiday.
Then in school hols dc could go to holiday club 2 days or if grandparents can manage a whole day, 1 day hc and a day with them. (Which you could do on your wfh day and pick up a bit earlier?) and the day with the person on a/l and a day with you.

Mh67 · 05/04/2026 08:40

Just use a childminder. Then it's just one person consistent daily. It frees up grandparents to enjoy their retirement

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 05/04/2026 00:36

Pumpkincatbow · 04/04/2026 22:36

I think this is pretty awful of OPs DH not to want to spend more time with DC, plus it would be more cost effective for him to reduce hours as he's the lower earner.

My DH did this and it was fantastic for all concerned. He's only dropped half a day a week so minimal impact on pay, pension etc but it feels sufficient in terms of impact at home.

If he likes his job then that’s up to him. He probably gets more from his role than he would spending time with the children

PurpleThistle7 · 04/04/2026 23:27

My husband and I both work full time and have no family anywhere around us (immigrants) and it’s been mostly totally fine. I would stop relying on your parents and just figure out a wraparound plan that works (and so glad you’re already aware you shouldn’t be working and parenting simultaneously!)

My husband and I prioritised jobs and a house that were close so both worked full time in 4 days. Is flexing either of your hours an option? Meant we only had 3 days to cover each week.

I know it feels impossibly far away, but this stage is quite temporary- in a few years you’ll be glad you both kept your careers going.

All this being said because he already said he didn’t want to go part time so put that idea aside and work on a solution for your challenges.

mynameiscalypso · 04/04/2026 22:52

Pumpkincatbow · 04/04/2026 22:36

I think this is pretty awful of OPs DH not to want to spend more time with DC, plus it would be more cost effective for him to reduce hours as he's the lower earner.

My DH did this and it was fantastic for all concerned. He's only dropped half a day a week so minimal impact on pay, pension etc but it feels sufficient in terms of impact at home.

Is it pretty awful of me to work full time even though I’m the lower earner and we could afford to live on DH’s salary?

WhatAMarvelousTune · 04/04/2026 22:41

Pumpkincatbow · 04/04/2026 22:36

I think this is pretty awful of OPs DH not to want to spend more time with DC, plus it would be more cost effective for him to reduce hours as he's the lower earner.

My DH did this and it was fantastic for all concerned. He's only dropped half a day a week so minimal impact on pay, pension etc but it feels sufficient in terms of impact at home.

Plenty of mothers and fathers don’t want to reduce their hours for a variety of reasons, despite technically being able to afford it. They aren’t all awful parents.

Pumpkincatbow · 04/04/2026 22:36

I think this is pretty awful of OPs DH not to want to spend more time with DC, plus it would be more cost effective for him to reduce hours as he's the lower earner.

My DH did this and it was fantastic for all concerned. He's only dropped half a day a week so minimal impact on pay, pension etc but it feels sufficient in terms of impact at home.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 04/04/2026 20:38

Is he reluctant because he enjoys his job? If so, it’s unfair to expect him to reduce his hours.

Pineapplewaves · 04/04/2026 20:32

You can ask but if DH says no you need to find an alternative when DS starts school.

Is there a breakfast club you can drop him off at? Is there an after school club? Many children at DC school go to one or both. Could the GP’s do any school picks ups? There are probably more GP’s than parents doing school pick ups at DC school than parents. There will be many events where parents are invited to attend during school hours - at DC school many of these are attended by GP’s or parents alternate and attend by taking a half day. Many children do not have anyone to attend.

If your DH were to go part time will you be topping up his pension so it’s the same as it is now? Will he still have the same amount of personal spends? Will he be able to live the same lifestyle he does now with the reduction of income? Are you expecting him to take on more of the housework etc because once he’s dropped DC off at school what is he going to do between then and pick up time?

Topjoe19 · 04/04/2026 20:08

Is a nanny a possibility? Then your little one could come home after school rather than on to another child care provision (especially if they've been at breakfast club). I don't think either of you are unreasonable. It's a tricky time when they go to school as pick up is earlier than a usual office finish time. Have a really good look at all your options as a pp said once they are juniors age they are pretty able to start sorting themselves out after school and dont need the same amount of supervision.