Advice for DSS re access to baby post breakup...

Perfect response- can you be the person to help him to understand this OP?

It’s really about what he can give rather than what he can get when a baby is so young and Mum is barely out of the third trimester

YABU. Baby is too young to be separated from Mum overnight. The Dad needs to kearn how to drive quickly, arrange CMS ASAP and move closer. He needs to put Mum and baby first at this early stage not himself.

Just because you can doesn't mean you should

Agreeing with everyone else that he needs to move closer to his ex and baby, and also learn to drive if it’s not walking distance. An hour away is too far.

It needs to be little and often at this stage, and the baby is too young to be away feom
it’s mother overnight in circumstances where the parents don’t live together (ie would be fine with a father who lived in the house and the baby saw everyday, but ideally not with a father who lives elsewhere).

Taking the baby for a couple of hours a few times a week is much better.

kinda disagree slightly with waiting a few more months. Getting baby used to it now is just the same as taking them to nursery to prepare for going back to work. In a few months baby will be more aware of surroundings so having it all sorted & routine now will be easier for when baby gets to that stage

the whole you can’t take baby away from mother argument is redundant nowadays esp if you are going into a co-parenting relationship that shouls be 50/50

Or in a car for that long either

They didn't say social services were involved. I think DSS means step son?

The OP asked for advice not for it to be ran through chat gpt.

people are capable of asking AI themselves

anyway mumsnet is pretty much redundant now

Start escalating. Mediation, solicitor if needed. My ex saw our baby several times a week. To not have regular contact could damage the bond. Is he paying financially? I can’t imagine any court would say less than weekly. Hopefully it won’t go anywhere near one but relevant

Agree with pp it needs to be little and often at this age. Whole weekend not a good idea. We did 2 x 3-4 hours I think

No, I'm a mum and a woman who thinks it's best settled in court as earlier as possible where there is dispute.

@BrendaSmall The vast majority of first time mums wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving their 4 month old baby overnight at that age. Probably different once the baby is 8-12 months.

This. Get driving lessons prove he has support and ask for two days on and two days off little and often - access to both parents is vital as long as both are fit parents.

This. Whilst his situation doesn’t allow for this immediately, he needs to be independent, even if that means renting a studio flat or house share whilst he sorts himself out.

He can’t expect to share 50/50 custody of a 16 week old baby, regardless of how they’re fed. But he should be seeking more regular, shorter contact sessions eg few hours at a time multiple times a week.

It’s a tough situation and it’s easier said than done, he’ll get there. It’s good he has support, but the key here is that he takes some initiative and action himself. He’s a grown man.

If your son pays the mum maintenance, make sure he does it via bank transfer so he’s got evidence of payments

Baby will be with its dad, so I’m sure it’s fine, no different than if mum decides to go out for the day or away for the night!

are you a bitter dad who is projecting or something?
Thankfully most people reading are more reasonable and less dogmatic than you are. Hopefully OP will read the advice and pass it to her step son who can proceed like a sensible adult, not rush into court and risk making things a thousand times worse.

So if they are unable to reach agreement, then court it is. Better sooner than later.

Yes, exactly :/

one more thing, think it's already mentioned but a good dad does not stress a new mum out!

He needs to work at this collaboratively - and as they are young all parents/ .grandparents need to be very mindful that mum is tired and coping full time with a small baby - no need to argue or approach things in a combatative way.

Just say - I would like to begin building a relationship with my child, could we look at mid weeks etc?

It might be that mum would be very happpy to share the parenting - but does not want to lose a tiny baby for 48 hours at a time.

Misunderstanding of the law - they don't exist to 'oversee' parenting arrangements -== as some sort of sensible precaution. They are an admission of complete failure and only get involved where there is a genuinely unworkable situation - with both parents unable to set aside differences and put the child first.

The poster warning against using courts unncessarily is correct. There is a lot more that can be done here before any need to recourse to stressful litigation and court proceedings

My best friend is a family lawyer - she says she advises any parent to avoid lawyers and courts at all costs unless sadly there is total breakdown in relationship. This does not sound the case here.

I think what would be best - as has already been mentioned - is that the young man looks for ways to have shorter and more frequent times with his child - this would also be far more helpful for the mother.

Rather than wanting 'long slots ' ie. weekends - he needs to see himself as co parent - might mum want a particular day off in the week? might she be preparing to go back ot work - what could he do/ could he start preparing to have the baby at that point a day or two?

The baby isn't a present to be handed over, this is about working out realistic co parenting

I believe at 4 months, if mum is main parent at present, it will be tough on the baby to do overnights once a month - that sounds like an unhelpful arrangement.

an hour is nothing - he could be going and taking the baby for walks for starters - helping mum by actually doing real parenting. He could even ask to go and do regular bathtimes etc?

He needs to drive. Its simple

The CAP is designed to assist families to reach safe and child-focused agreements for their child, where possible out of the court setting. If parents / families are unable to reach agreement, and a court application is made, the CAP encourages swift resolution of the dispute through the court.

If parents disagree on what is best for their child, I don't think one should just back down and agree to a plan they don't think is in the child's best interests. Court is the place to decide that.

Mothers and fathers aren't interchangeable. Yes you can remove a 16 week old baby from its mother for 2 days but should you? Is it good for them or for their mother? My baby is around that age and the obvious answer is No. I wouldn't allow it right now even with their dad or close family unless there was absolutely no other choice, i.e. I was in hospital or something.

He should be able to see the baby for shorter periods though and closer to the mother. It's also in baby's and dad's best interests to develop a strong relationship.