Page 2 | Advice for DSS re access to baby post breakup...

MyFAFOera · 06/04/2026 11:45

dontpokethemommabear · 04/04/2026 14:00

Thanks everyone for your responses.

Lots of useful resources to look into with DSS and it's good to have some starting points as he is in a bit of a spin with it all and emotions are high.

To clarify a few things... I am referring him to DSS as he is my partners eldest child, however he was 19 when I met my partner so I have no maternal involvement. I'm keen to support him alongside my DP and there have been no shortage of tough love conversations where we (and his mum) are adamant he needs to put babies needs first.

For those who are aghast at the idea of this baby being away from his mum for more than a couple of hours... as a couple they left baby overnight with both her mum and his mum so they could go out from approx 4 weeks old. They had nights in hotels to have a "break" and also nights on the town and not returning til lunchtime the following day with hangovers and both mums happy to continue to care for baby whilst they slept it off. (I have soooooo many opinions about this...I EBF my sons until they were 30 months, had them in a sling most of the time, embraced 4th trimester and didn't spend a night apart from them until eldest was 3 and 3 months when I was in hospital after having his baby brother so I am forever biting my lip on the choices that they have made) Despite my judgy pants being firmly hoiked, I can see that DSS is very loving and caring daddy and the idea that he is in anyway less capable of caring for the baby than his mum is not the case.

DSS moved to his GF's city and had a job. They lived with her mum and so when the relationship broke down he was asked to leave. He doesn't like the city, hasn't made any friends apart from workmates and her friends and did make a snap judgement when she threw him out to quit his job and come home.
He's currently on his mum's sofa and feeling very low.

He needs a job and to then get his license but that isn't going to happen overnight.

I think short-term the letter suggested by one of the first posters is a good starting point and what I will gently recommend, despite being 24 DSS and his ex are pretty immature and she is using baby as weapon which is not in their best interest at all.

I can see it getting messy if I'm honest. They hadn't been together long really when baby was conceived accidently, her mum doesn't like him and has a lot of background that leads DSS's mum to think that she is pulling the strings (5 kids, 4 dads, ex-drug addict, long-term benefits etc) and her single daughter with a baby is now far more likely to get a HA flat than as a couple. I've only met her once and all our knowledge is secondhand from DSS and his mum. I generally try not to judge without my own experience but the optics aren't great!

It was incredibly irresponsible of him to quit his job on a whim. How is he going to support his child without a job?! That is not the behaviour of a mature parent. The job market right now is really poor it was ridiculous to give up a job when he has a baby to support as well as himself.

Just because he didn't like the city - his child lives there, so if he wants a relationship with his child he needs to go cap in hand back to work and ask for his job back - it surely hasn't been that long? They may not have filled it. And find somewhere to live even just a basic studio flat, so that he can be a responsible parent.

Twitwooooo · 06/04/2026 11:40

He needs to seek legal advice if he wants contact which is set and they’re unable to agree independently.
Finding his own place nearby baby is a good idea too.

Thatcrazymama · 06/04/2026 11:39

this is parental alienation

Emmz1510 · 06/04/2026 11:36

Every three weeks is not an acceptable level of contact for a capable, involved parent. What reason has his ex given? Even though he lives an hour away, can he travel to see the baby as well as having him/her for overnights? An hour isn’t completely unmanageable. Ideally he should be having 50/50, but I can see why that would be difficult for now. Long term he can work towards moving closer if possible, but in the meantime he should be having baby at least every other weekend and through the week. Maybe he could look after baby at yours for the afternoon sometimes? What are his working hours?
Ultimately if is ex won’t agree to a more reasonable arrangement voluntarily- which should of course be his first port of call- he’ll need to seek legal advice.

Pherian · 06/04/2026 11:34

dontpokethemommabear · 04/04/2026 00:31

DSS 24 and his girlfriend have split up. Their baby is 4 months old. DSS has had to move home which is over an hour away from the baby and ex GF. He doesnt drive. But has support from parents/grandparents. Initially his ex said he could have baby saturday am to sunday pm EOW... now saying only this every three weeks.
Baby is bottle fed and DSS has been very involved from birth.
Can anyone advise how to move forward as 36 hours every three weeks is not enough contact time at all. DSS wants to see his baby as much as possible and there are no reasons why he shouldn't maintain the relationship.
He has parental responsibility and there are no other reasons why he shouldn't have access to his child.

He needs legal advice. Mumsnet folks generally well meaning and completely useless on complex legal topics. There are alot of nuances to family law that require a conversation with a solicitor.

Get a solicitor immediately and get him into driving lessons. He needs a car and he needs a suitable home for himself and an infant. If he isn’t already - he needs a job.

RachTheAlpaca · 06/04/2026 11:33

Obviously he needs to learn to drive!

RoseField1 · 06/04/2026 11:33

Dogmum74 · 06/04/2026 11:21

Solicitor asap. Get custody and access set in stone. And learn to drive. Those saying move closer than an hour away - no need as long as child can be collected and dropped off, which BTW should be a shared thing i.e one parent collects and the other parent drops off

Transporting between parents shouldn't necessarily be shared if one parent moved away from the child.

LadyPorkPie · 06/04/2026 11:32

dontpokethemommabear · 04/04/2026 14:00

Thanks everyone for your responses.

Lots of useful resources to look into with DSS and it's good to have some starting points as he is in a bit of a spin with it all and emotions are high.

To clarify a few things... I am referring him to DSS as he is my partners eldest child, however he was 19 when I met my partner so I have no maternal involvement. I'm keen to support him alongside my DP and there have been no shortage of tough love conversations where we (and his mum) are adamant he needs to put babies needs first.

For those who are aghast at the idea of this baby being away from his mum for more than a couple of hours... as a couple they left baby overnight with both her mum and his mum so they could go out from approx 4 weeks old. They had nights in hotels to have a "break" and also nights on the town and not returning til lunchtime the following day with hangovers and both mums happy to continue to care for baby whilst they slept it off. (I have soooooo many opinions about this...I EBF my sons until they were 30 months, had them in a sling most of the time, embraced 4th trimester and didn't spend a night apart from them until eldest was 3 and 3 months when I was in hospital after having his baby brother so I am forever biting my lip on the choices that they have made) Despite my judgy pants being firmly hoiked, I can see that DSS is very loving and caring daddy and the idea that he is in anyway less capable of caring for the baby than his mum is not the case.

DSS moved to his GF's city and had a job. They lived with her mum and so when the relationship broke down he was asked to leave. He doesn't like the city, hasn't made any friends apart from workmates and her friends and did make a snap judgement when she threw him out to quit his job and come home.
He's currently on his mum's sofa and feeling very low.

He needs a job and to then get his license but that isn't going to happen overnight.

I think short-term the letter suggested by one of the first posters is a good starting point and what I will gently recommend, despite being 24 DSS and his ex are pretty immature and she is using baby as weapon which is not in their best interest at all.

I can see it getting messy if I'm honest. They hadn't been together long really when baby was conceived accidently, her mum doesn't like him and has a lot of background that leads DSS's mum to think that she is pulling the strings (5 kids, 4 dads, ex-drug addict, long-term benefits etc) and her single daughter with a baby is now far more likely to get a HA flat than as a couple. I've only met her once and all our knowledge is secondhand from DSS and his mum. I generally try not to judge without my own experience but the optics aren't great!

@dontpokethemommabear Just because you chose to have your baby hanging from you (literally!) until primary school doesn’t mean you should judge other mothers for having a night off and formula feeding. Vile.

Dogmum74 · 06/04/2026 11:21

Solicitor asap. Get custody and access set in stone. And learn to drive. Those saying move closer than an hour away - no need as long as child can be collected and dropped off, which BTW should be a shared thing i.e one parent collects and the other parent drops off

Sartre · 04/04/2026 17:37

He needs to learn to drive and find a place closer to his child. I’d say at such a young age it’s natural for a mother not to want to be apart from their baby overnight. If he lived closed / drove he could spend more days with the baby without the need for overnight visitation which I think should happen once they turn 1.

Cyclingmummy1 · 04/04/2026 15:38

PinkFrogss · 04/04/2026 15:34

Neither of them sound like they’re in particularly stable situations at the moment.

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The GF sounds like she comes from a chaotic background. Those circumstances are very difficult to change.

PinkFrogss · 04/04/2026 15:34

Cyclingmummy1 · 04/04/2026 15:27

His circumstances sound more stable than hers. Good luck to him getting 50:50.

Neither of them sound like they’re in particularly stable situations at the moment.

Cyclingmummy1 · 04/04/2026 15:27

His circumstances sound more stable than hers. Good luck to him getting 50:50.

Herewegoagainandagainandagain · 04/04/2026 15:23

Optics aren't great for your dss either.

At the moment, he is an adult who rashly packed in his job, returned to mummy's sofa an hour away from his baby, knowing he had no independent means of transport.

Pulling his weight as a dad right now means taking responsibility, finding a job, securing a place to live, paying maintenance, and then working out the best way to co-parent. How can he expect to take a newborn overnight when he does not even have a bed for himself?

For now, the most realistic approach is for him to see the baby regularly, even if only for shorter periods, until his circumstances stabilise. This will involve a lot of commuting, and since he is not currently employed he has plenty of time to do this so should not be an issue. It is a temporary step until he gets his life in order.

If he cannot reach an agreement with the mother, the next step is mediation or court for formal access arrangements. He was responsible enough to bring a child into the world and needs to step up and be responsible enough to resolve childcare arrangements properly.

Failing to do so risks him becoming just another feckless dad. You can't/shouldn't do this for him, sign post him but he needs to drive it from the beginning.

PinkFrogss · 04/04/2026 15:20

If he has quit his job does that mean he is not paying child support, or does he have savings/financial support from his parents?

Madthings · 04/04/2026 15:15

ZingyLemonMoose · 04/04/2026 15:13

Four months is far too young to stay away from the mother overnight. He’s going to have to spend a lot of time travelling to see them for a few hours a time several times a week until baby is older.

Are you missing the bit where the OP states baby regularly is away from mum overnight and has been since 4 weeks old. Mum's choice to have a break so in this circumstance baby absolutely be in the care of dad overnight.

But ideally there would be contact little and often too, not just an overnight once a week. But 2-3hrs or more a few times during the week so dad remains a constant safe comforting presence.

ZingyLemonMoose · 04/04/2026 15:13

Four months is far too young to stay away from the mother overnight. He’s going to have to spend a lot of time travelling to see them for a few hours a time several times a week until baby is older.

Sensiblesal · 04/04/2026 15:02

The amount of misandry on this thread.

yet so many threads complaining of men not pulling their weight when you have people like OP’s DSS that wants to do just that and is being told in advice that its not appropriate 😂

OP sounds like you have judged the situation correctly. The living with the MiL esp if she didn’t like him was never going to work out. I think he is going to need a lot of luck getting fair/equal rights and suspect he will land going through family court. Don’t let him give up if it gets to that, seeing his child is worth all the fight and sacrifices he has to make

Mogbiscuit · 04/04/2026 14:35

BMW6 · 04/04/2026 08:50

The baby is bottle fed so why on earth not? The child has 2 parents with equal rights and responsibility for their child!

As DSS are involved it might be in the child's best interest to be 100% with the Father, and the Mother can have visitation. You don't know the background and you're being unfair to the Father and the child.

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Seriously, a 4 month old baby living with the dad when the mumis able and wanting to be the main carer? Parents are not interchangeable at this important, sensitive age. It isn't about his 'rights'. We have been given no reason at all to believe she is not a fit mother.

backagainohdear · 04/04/2026 14:33

HappyMamma2023 · 04/04/2026 13:54

YABU. Baby is too young to be separated from Mum overnight. The Dad needs to kearn how to drive quickly, arrange CMS ASAP and move closer. He needs to put Mum and baby first at this early stage not himself.

Clearly not as the op said both of them were leaving the baby from 4 weeks old to go away on weekends away!

Brewtiful · 04/04/2026 14:33

Honestly the whole situation sounds a complete mess especially as they've only known each other such a short amount of time. I suspect no matter what you try and encourage or advice your step son will think he knows best and do as he pleases so in all honesty I would stay out of the whole sorry situation as much as possible.

backagainohdear · 04/04/2026 14:33

Sounds like they are both as bad as each other, going out for weekends away every weekend when the baby was 4 weeks? The pair of them need to grow up. He needs to get a job & learn to drive and grow up.

patooties · 04/04/2026 14:29

Sounds like they are both as bad as each other tbh. What a mess.

katepilar · 04/04/2026 14:27

NuffSaidSam · 04/04/2026 01:30

Having two equal parents is in every baby's best interests (assuming that both parents are good parents of course!) and it's far easier to establish that now than later on when the baby is more aware/seperation anxiety has set in etc.

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The baby is very aware.

Original poster

dontpokethemommabear · 04/04/2026 14:00

Thanks everyone for your responses.

Lots of useful resources to look into with DSS and it's good to have some starting points as he is in a bit of a spin with it all and emotions are high.

To clarify a few things... I am referring him to DSS as he is my partners eldest child, however he was 19 when I met my partner so I have no maternal involvement. I'm keen to support him alongside my DP and there have been no shortage of tough love conversations where we (and his mum) are adamant he needs to put babies needs first.

For those who are aghast at the idea of this baby being away from his mum for more than a couple of hours... as a couple they left baby overnight with both her mum and his mum so they could go out from approx 4 weeks old. They had nights in hotels to have a "break" and also nights on the town and not returning til lunchtime the following day with hangovers and both mums happy to continue to care for baby whilst they slept it off. (I have soooooo many opinions about this...I EBF my sons until they were 30 months, had them in a sling most of the time, embraced 4th trimester and didn't spend a night apart from them until eldest was 3 and 3 months when I was in hospital after having his baby brother so I am forever biting my lip on the choices that they have made) Despite my judgy pants being firmly hoiked, I can see that DSS is very loving and caring daddy and the idea that he is in anyway less capable of caring for the baby than his mum is not the case.

DSS moved to his GF's city and had a job. They lived with her mum and so when the relationship broke down he was asked to leave. He doesn't like the city, hasn't made any friends apart from workmates and her friends and did make a snap judgement when she threw him out to quit his job and come home.
He's currently on his mum's sofa and feeling very low.

He needs a job and to then get his license but that isn't going to happen overnight.

I think short-term the letter suggested by one of the first posters is a good starting point and what I will gently recommend, despite being 24 DSS and his ex are pretty immature and she is using baby as weapon which is not in their best interest at all.

I can see it getting messy if I'm honest. They hadn't been together long really when baby was conceived accidently, her mum doesn't like him and has a lot of background that leads DSS's mum to think that she is pulling the strings (5 kids, 4 dads, ex-drug addict, long-term benefits etc) and her single daughter with a baby is now far more likely to get a HA flat than as a couple. I've only met her once and all our knowledge is secondhand from DSS and his mum. I generally try not to judge without my own experience but the optics aren't great!

OP posts: