AIBU to find it hypocritical when people discourage me from dating?

I agree about the dating with children, I can understand someone being very cautious about who they bring into their child life and waiting until they are much older

I don’t think it’s dating as much as dating with children some people are (rightly imo) cautious about.

My personal and possibly unpopular opinion is that a loving relationship between their two parents is optimum for children, but if that can’t happen then stability from at least one parent is vital and that is hard to achieve with a lot of dating.

i think there is a sort of weird assumption that the prioritising of one's romantic self is the only way to be authentically one's real self. I don't think this is necessarily true. do find this weird assumption childish, to be honest. Perhaps because I was younger I was obsessed with having a boyfriend and now I am older I am more interested in my children, my security for myself and for them, being fulfilled at work, and various other things.

That being said I can see that asking someone to be celibate for the duration of their children’s childhood (assuming you split when they are young) is a big ask so I don’t know. Maybe it should be more something that happens organically and naturally than putting yourself out there to date and finding someone to partner up with.

Hmm it's a bit odd to take their advice so literally, maybe a few jokes to say how crazy online dating can be etc but I certainly wouldn't be listening to someone telling you to avoid relationships for the rest of your life.

Just because they might have dated idiots doesn't mean you will. There are plenty of people who have amazing relationships and someone to share their life with

Just date in private and dont put pressure on yourself to find "the perfect person" just putting yourself out there and enjoying meeting people is a great start

I know both men and women who have been hurt by the opposite sex and seem to really not like them, in that case I wouldn’t date. Their experiences do not matter to you op if you want to meet someone you need to try. I wouldn’t listen to others. Some people are judgemental about meeting online, dating colleagues etc but each to your own. Go in to dating as a fun experience if you meet friends or more then it’s a bonus, yes there will be odd people the same as in everyday life.

Easy. I simply don't discuss dating with friends. It's easy because I don't often date

The times I have dipped my toe into the apps it has never been a discussion subject because I don't bring it up. If asked, I brush it off and change the subject. It's private.

38 years old
single (and celibate) for 20 years

OP, do you actually want to date, have a boyfriend, have sex and settle down? You’re not making it clear what you want, but it’s certainly nothing to do with anyone else.

Who are these weird people who are discouraging you and why are you listening to them? Yes, dating is a minefield and can be difficult but you have to give it a go. Even if you do so for fun and having a good time. You seem angry that your friends are not giving you their blessings to date but you can do what you want. So again, why aren't you?

Who are all these women who are telling you to stay single? Why are you listening to them? There are plenty of men who are up for some no strings sex if you want it. Get out and find them!!.

Totally get you, OP. I’m recently single again and I’m sick of friends telling me to embrace being on my own and how they wouldn’t mind being single. All while they’re cozily coupled up!

I don’t think it’s that uncommon
Lots of women have realised that the pool of decent men are most taken and what’s left is mostly trash and are independently doing their own thing
59 , entirely single for 24 years
Happy .

Maybe they’re just trying to make you feel better about being single for so long? A lot of people don’t tell friends what they really think of their situation

Honestly, if you can't deal with a few random comments from friends you are never going to make it through the dating scene. Know yourself, stick to your values and do what you want with your life. Stop looking to criticise others all the time.

Life is a journey not a destination. A lot of women get through the toughest years of family life and emerge totally disillusioned with the myth of living happily ever after and many feel they are totally done with men and would prefer to focus on spending time with friends, pets, and good books. This can then be a positive embracing of the idea of living a whole and fulfilled life that isn't based around the key narrative of ones life being the story of finding and keeping a man. They may feel they are saving you the bother of a wasted journey by letting you know that your apparent destination isn't all it's cracked up.to be. However the realisation they have reached may not be something that can be learned second-hand. You go ahead with living your life for you. Friends who love you sometimes give advice that doesn't fit with exactly what you want and in a healthy friendship that doesn't matter because they take no offence if you choose your own path without following their advice. If they start making trouble when you decline to follow their advice, that's showing that they aren't good friends.

Are they perhaps trying to make you feel better about being celibate for so long, trying to reassure you that you haven't missed out anything?

I think you might be taking them a bit too literally. Everyone moans about the pitfalls of dating. Or they might perceive you as being vulnerable for some reason and are trying to be protective.

They're not being hypocritical exactly, just sharing their valid personal feelings about the dating scene from their own experiences - but that doesn't mean you have to listen.

If you want to date, then date. If you don't, then don't.

This is a non-issue.

Trying to understand the tone of these comments or maybe there’s more context? Were you badly hurt previously or you’re very insecure and they’re trying to protect you? Have you previously expressed you want to start away from men and they’re trying to tell you you don’t have to date? If there’s nothing like that then it almost sounds like they used to having you as the single friend and don’t want the dynamic to change. What’s your take on the reason they’re saying this. And does it really make you feel like you’re expected to stay single or is it more just annoying?

Yes this, but even if it is hypocritical then what?

About 99% of any advice, about anything, is what the advice giver would do if THEY were in your situation, the advice is about them. Its not an objective view of what they think YOU should do given YOUR circumstances. Go and date, date lightly, date many, have fun.

Are you always this weak minded? Why are you doing what other people tell you to do? You're an adult FFS, do what you want.

I voted you are being unreasonable. The reason you have been single, celibate and not been kissed for 10 years is down to you and not what other women tell you. I do not for one for second any of these women expect you to remain single whilst they wallow in relationships.

You seem to have a very black and white view is what they could be saying. Maybe you should be careful, modern dating can be a minefield. They know you better than we do, perhaps they think you have an overly romanticised view of relationships.

Take control of your own life, you are in your 30s, date if you want to, don't date if you don't want to.

I agree they likely are being hypocritical. If you want to be in a relationship/date then start the process of looking for someone/ going on dates. If your don’t then don’t.

I find it very odd that you haven’t spoken to a man in 10 years at all. Don’t you speak to people at work etc or boyfriends/husbands of friends.

These women are dipping their toes in the dating pool and not liking what they find. That's brutal honesty, not hypocrisy.

You don't need their permission to date if you feel like it. Get on some dating sites and see for yourself what your friends or colleagues are talking about.

What made you decide to spend ten years of having nothing to do with men, and have those years been happy or miserable? If miserable, why didn't you do something about that?

Who are these women that ‘expect’ you to stay single? Sounds very weird for anyone to be so invested in your dating life.

Maybe the people saying that to you don’t care if you date or not really, they just want an opportunity to talk about how disappointed they are with their own relationships.

You crack on!