AIBU to find it hypocritical when people discourage me from dating?

Original poster

GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 20:44

Notyouagaindear · 04/04/2026 20:39

I don’t think the OP has indicated that her celibacy experience is special - not sure why people are honing in on this tbh. Of course a dry spell in your 40s is different from a 10+ year complete lack of intimacy from your 20s and still ongoing.

FWIW, I think my ideal set-up would be long-term relationship, living separately and a sleepover one night a week 😁

Thank you! I really do think 20s is massively different to 40s.

OP posts:

Notyouagaindear · 04/04/2026 20:39

I don’t think the OP has indicated that her celibacy experience is special - not sure why people are honing in on this tbh. Of course a dry spell in your 40s is different from a 10+ year complete lack of intimacy from your 20s and still ongoing.

FWIW, I think my ideal set-up would be long-term relationship, living separately and a sleepover one night a week 😁

JHound · 04/04/2026 20:37

I don’t see what makes them hypocrites

Original poster

GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 20:36

Gabitule · 04/04/2026 20:29

Of course they’re hypocrites! When I was single all friends in committed relationships/ marriages were telling me that I was so lucky to be single, I shouldn't need anyone, how they envied my position etc… Currently some of the same women are in bad relationships with cheating etc but are holding onto these bad relationships because they are too scared to be alone. I wonder why, they’re in the position i was when they were envying me and lecturing me 🙄🙄

Thank you, sick of people telling me they are not hypocrites, apparently they are just letting me know it’s ok to be single?? Erm i know that? ! I’ve been single 10 years! Dont apply to it to themselves though

OP posts:

Notyouagaindear · 04/04/2026 20:35

Same reason that some people hate to see their friends losing weight - they presumably find some comfort in the fact that they have a friend worse off than them eg fatter/poorer/single etc.

I say this as a somewhat unhappily married person. I wouldn’t encourage anyone to get married and the thought of me dating again makes me shudder, but I wouldn’t advise anyone to completely avoid men either.

YourAmberFish · 04/04/2026 20:34

GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 20:20

I don’t, but I have heard of much older women who don’t have any interest in sex younger ones not so much…

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As people have already pointed out to you, sex and relationships/dating are very different.

I don't think anyone has said don't have sex if you want it.

You keep banging on about your celibacy being somehow different and it isn't.

It's a choice. Have it or not.

Lots of people in relationships are not having sex and haven't for years. At all ages.

It really isn't that important to many, many people and you're not special wanting it or not wanting it

No-ones going to give you a prize for not having sex for 10 years in your 30s when it's not at all unusual

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/apr/26/the-rise-of-voluntary-celibacy-most-of-the-sex-ive-had-i-wish-i-hadnt-bothered#:~:text=%E2%80%9CThis%20coincides%20with%20a%20long,it%20wasn't%20a%20problem.

The rise of voluntary celibacy: ‘Most of the sex I’ve had, I wish I hadn’t bothered’

More and more people are choosing to go without sex. And, in many cases, they’ve never been happier

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/apr/26/the-rise-of-voluntary-celibacy-most-of-the-sex-ive-had-i-wish-i-hadnt-bothered#:~:text=%E2%80%9CThis%20coincides%20with%20a%20long,it%20wasn't%20a%20problem.

Gabitule · 04/04/2026 20:29

Of course they’re hypocrites! When I was single all friends in committed relationships/ marriages were telling me that I was so lucky to be single, I shouldn't need anyone, how they envied my position etc… Currently some of the same women are in bad relationships with cheating etc but are holding onto these bad relationships because they are too scared to be alone. I wonder why, they’re in the position i was when they were envying me and lecturing me 🙄🙄

Original poster

GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 20:28

Jellybunny98 · 04/04/2026 20:08

I think it’s a hard one because it depends on your experiences and what you hear about. I’m happily married but quite a few of my friends have been on & off the dating apps over the last few years, having heard their experiences I wouldn’t recommend the apps to anyone and if I were to become single tomorrow I wouldn’t use them. I’m sure there are good men on them but from the experiences I’ve seen and heard about they are very much needle in a hay stack!

The trouble is it is very hard to meet men irl now. When I was younger in my 20s and late teens men approached me all the time (not being big headed) now im older it doesn’t happen so unless I just sit there waiting for mr right to knock on my door..

OP posts:

Original poster

GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 20:20

YourAmberFish · 04/04/2026 20:16

Not really I last had sex in 2019. Before that 2015 and before that I can't even remember but it was years.

You seem to think there's something unusual or special about your celibacy and it really isn't

What's unusual is you thinking it makes you different in some way.

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I don’t, but I have heard of much older women who don’t have any interest in sex younger ones not so much…

OP posts:

YourAmberFish · 04/04/2026 20:16

GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 20:03

That’s understandable but I have been celibate since 27 so I do think that’s quite different than 40s

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Not really I last had sex in 2019. Before that 2015 and before that I can't even remember but it was years.

You seem to think there's something unusual or special about your celibacy and it really isn't

What's unusual is you thinking it makes you different in some way.

Jellybunny98 · 04/04/2026 20:08

I think it’s a hard one because it depends on your experiences and what you hear about. I’m happily married but quite a few of my friends have been on & off the dating apps over the last few years, having heard their experiences I wouldn’t recommend the apps to anyone and if I were to become single tomorrow I wouldn’t use them. I’m sure there are good men on them but from the experiences I’ve seen and heard about they are very much needle in a hay stack!

whitehawthornblossom · 04/04/2026 20:07

SpringAndSunshineIsHere · 04/04/2026 19:52

Can you go travelling or join some clubs op so you have a chance of meeting someone in an organic situation?

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Difficult with dc at home

Original poster

GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 20:03

YourAmberFish · 04/04/2026 19:56

I've been single and celibate for years.A bit older than you though, 40s.

Have zero interest in a relationship or sex to be honest.

All my friends who are in couples say they wouldn't be inclined to seek out another relationship if their DH/DP died or they split up.

Not because they're in terrible relationships but because there are numerous compromises and adjustments that have to be made in relationships that in middle age or later, they wouldn't necessarily choose to engage with

It doesn't mean they're hypocrites, just that it's far more acceptable for women to be single now and it's okay to admit that being in a relationship really isn't the pinnacle of happiness

That’s understandable but I have been celibate since 27 so I do think that’s quite different than 40s

OP posts:

Original poster

GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 20:02

Im happy to use the apps.

OP posts:

YourAmberFish · 04/04/2026 19:56

I've been single and celibate for years.A bit older than you though, 40s.

Have zero interest in a relationship or sex to be honest.

All my friends who are in couples say they wouldn't be inclined to seek out another relationship if their DH/DP died or they split up.

Not because they're in terrible relationships but because there are numerous compromises and adjustments that have to be made in relationships that in middle age or later, they wouldn't necessarily choose to engage with

It doesn't mean they're hypocrites, just that it's far more acceptable for women to be single now and it's okay to admit that being in a relationship really isn't the pinnacle of happiness

SpringAndSunshineIsHere · 04/04/2026 19:52

GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 19:45

I will be using the apps as I don’t go out much socially friends are all coupled up and I don’t meet men irl

Can you go travelling or join some clubs op so you have a chance of meeting someone in an organic situation?

Tonissister · 04/04/2026 19:52

GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 19:45

I will be using the apps as I don’t go out much socially friends are all coupled up and I don’t meet men irl

Try changing that so that you do meet men irl. Find some hobbies where men and women mix - a choir, am dram, running or swimming clubs, hiking, gardening, art class, cards or board games, learning languages etc - There are loads of options where you might meet men with similar interests to your own.

Tonissister · 04/04/2026 19:49

GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 02:01

I’ve been cautious, I’ve not even kissed a man or chatted to a man (other than in passing) in 10 years, if that isn’t being cautious I don’t know what is?? Just find it hypocritical when they don’t apply it to themselves. Not like I’m someone rushing from relationship to relationship that needs to be more cautious?

I think you are taking them too seriously, as if they are instructing you rather than sharing their personal opinions with you.
It's not hypocritical, it's just opinion. You don't have to rely on it in any way. You have your own opinion, which is that you want to try dating, so do. Not just OLD but meeting people IRL.

And it's utter rubbish that all men are awful. of course they are not. Many men are kind, loyal, hardworking, loving, romantic, funny, clever, dependable and looking for love not sex. Stay choosy until you meet one of them, then give them a chance.

Original poster

GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 19:45

I will be using the apps as I don’t go out much socially friends are all coupled up and I don’t meet men irl

OP posts:

Sparkles1212 · 04/04/2026 17:41

GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 13:05

And btw they weren’t trying to make me feel better. I asked for some advice on what apps they used to meet their partners and what the best apps were as I haven’t used apps before and it was like “ohh no don’t date stay on your own” even got “all men are pieces of shit” especially since none of them have ever been single longer than a year.

Why listen to them? Get out there and date. Hinge, Tinder, POF, dinner dating, speed dating

Don't listen to people in whom you have no trust or belief

Why would you listen to them? 🙄😳😵‍💫

Sensiblesal · 04/04/2026 17:38

GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 02:01

I’ve been cautious, I’ve not even kissed a man or chatted to a man (other than in passing) in 10 years, if that isn’t being cautious I don’t know what is?? Just find it hypocritical when they don’t apply it to themselves. Not like I’m someone rushing from relationship to relationship that needs to be more cautious?

Stay away from the apps unless you triple thick skin, they are full of men that just see you as free sex.

the not even talking to men is curious, how did you end up in this situation? Could that be why friends are saying not to?

I think you need to put yourself out there & have some fun.

as someone else said, its rough out there

TB23 · 04/04/2026 15:13

I agree about dating indiscriminately when having young children. That's not helpful. Ideally you meet someone again organically, through friends, hobbies, interests etc. Remaining open to the possibility. I got divorced at 39, two young kids, didn't do any dating for almost two years. Then met the loveliest also divorced man (also two kids) at a friend's party. Together for 11 years, three kids now adults, all getting on really well. Not moving on at all ever is not helpful for kids either, eventually they have their own lives and it's easier for them if a parent has their own life too. But it has be the right person, not just someone to not feel lonely.

TB23 · 04/04/2026 14:57

Oh dear. So first of all, are these women telling you this all single? If they are, then fine, but I would never give other people advice about finding a partner or not. That's an individual decision. Do they mean dating lots of men indiscriminately, as was all the rage with internet dating? Well, I wouldn't say that's a great idea, but remain open to meeting someone organically through hobbies, interests, friends etc. I found myself divorced and single again after 15 years with two kids at the age of 39. Didn't actively date, but after 2 years met a lovely divorced man with also two kids at a party at a friend's house. We have been together for 11 years. Just stay open to the possibility.

BlackCat111 · 04/04/2026 14:54

Most single men out there are trash but if you want to date then do it, it’s your choice. Just keep your expectations low and your feelings in check because it truly is awful out there! From someone who’s been single and 95% celibate for 12 years.

Pherian · 04/04/2026 14:44

GoldDownload · 03/04/2026 23:39

Don’t know if this will make any sense but I’m in my 30s and have been single and celibate for 10 years, that’s no dates at all, no kissing, nothing. Whenever I mention dating again I get women telling me not to and to stay on my own, all men are trash etc (their words) whilst I’m guessing they mean well AIBU to find them hypocrites? I think it’s pretty unusual for a woman in their 30s to be celibate for 10 years (gonna have loads of people now telling me they are 30s and have been 😂), I don’t believe they are and for most people that would be quite hard, but they expect me to stay on my own? Or am I unreasonable and there’s all these women in their 30s that have been celibate for a decade? Just feels like they expect me to stay on my own but don’t apply that to themselves.. lots of reasons for this not mainly choice but just the way life turned out

I would say approach modern dating by being ruthless. There are a lot of time wasters. I met my now husband on Bumble. I went on several dates through the site before I met him and most of them were just trying to get laid and string you along. If you’re into one night stands modern dating is very good for that. I’m not and if I was single again in my life I wouldn’t bother having another relationship. I’m in my mid 40s though.