Would you take DCs to a hospice visit?

I've never been to a hospice, but I saw my grandad in his bed the afternoon before he died. I didn't know he was going to die, or even know how ill he was, but I have a very strong memory of the worried faces of other adults in the room. It was nearly 40 years ago and it's never left me.
However, my main memories of my grandad are not of that day, but other, happier times.

We took our children when my DH’s grand mother was in her final weeks. We didn’t tell them she was dying, just said that she was very poorly and wanted to see them as they made her feel happy. The place itself was lovely and she got to say goodbye, even though they were oblivious to that fact.

They don’t really remember it now but it meant the world to MiL (it was her mum) and to great nan.

I would if they were close to the person who was dying, if they wanted to go and if the staff agreed it was appropriate.

Just ask him if he’d like to see them. And talk to your own children about dying. My mother was visited by three small neighbours children a couple of days before she died. It gave her such a boost.

I think it depends on your children. My DS was 9 when my dad died. The last time DS saw him was a few hours before he died and the last recognisable word he said was DS's name. However DS and my dad were very close and DS was a couple of years older than your oldest and 4 years older than your youngest. I think for DS, it was important to see his grandad, to know it was over, to actually picture that grandad was ready to go. I don't think the memories from the last 2 days in the hospice have really coloured DS's lasting memory of grandad. Yes they aren't exactly nice memories to have, but they are a tiny fraction of all his memories of grandad. I think it was important for him to know that grandad knew what was happening and was ok with going on to find Nana in heaven. Having said all that, it depends entirely on what would help your children. Best wishes.

I think I was early high-school when I was taken to visit my grandfather in a similar situation. He had had several strokes by that point and was non verbal. I was left alone with him briefly and I still cringe now in my 40s about how awkward I was trying to talk to him knowing he couldn't respond. I wouldn't take them, they don't need to see that side of things I don't feel it would benefit.

No I definitely wouldn't.

I went to see my gran in a hospice when I was about 10. But she was able to sit in a chair the the lovely big windows and look at the birds and chat. I didn't see her in the last week or so when she was just in bed and asleep, I think my parents made the right call there.

No, I wouldn't. What is there to be gained? They will be frightened and he is unlikely to know they are there.

Let them remember him as he was.

I lost my Nan a couple of months ago and I wish I’d seen her more. I know she’d have loved it too.

I wouldn’t have taken my kids to see her in the last few days. She died in hospital rather than hospice but she looked completely different. I didn’t want my kids to remember her like that and I’m glad they didn’t go.

We were in a similar situation last year. Grandad was at home but he was dying. My dc were older but they have autism/learning disabilities. We let the dc lead with what they wanted to do but within reason so they understood they had to be quiet etc. 11 year old wasn't really capable of being quiet so he only saw grandad when he was well enough to come to ours. 12 year old went to see him loads and would always do their washing up etc. Older dc couldn't cope with the constant goodbyes and him getting better, then worse again so didn't visit much towards the end.

I’m not squeamish or wanting to overly protect kids from reality, but in the context you describe I would only do it if it was important to your children. If they were very close, you felt they were not able to say goodbye, or they would worry/feel guilty, I would do it. You might want to discuss with them? If I gave my 5yo the choice, he would probably opt for one last cuddle with my elderly folks.

I would also do it if I thought it would give the dying person joy, but your post suggests that isn’t really the case here.

Might be worth talking through with the hospice staff, as well as your kids? Sorry this is a difficult time for you, it sounds like you are being very kind and thoughtful.

My Grandad came home from the hospice to die and even though I was only 4 when he died, I have a memory of seeing him in his bed before he died. It’s precious to me because it’s probably one of two organic memories I have of him. He was a happy soul and he put every morsel of energy he had left into smiling for me, he couldn’t move. He was only 55 when he died.

No.

While my nans not in a hospice, she isn’t the same nan I remember which is why I always find it hard to go and see her (I often don’t) and I want to remember her as the nan I had growing up (I’m 33).

honestly, I don’t even know if I’ll be able to see her if she was dying. Not because I don’t want to… but because I know for me I feel it will tarnish my memories of her but that’s a me issue that I need to deal with

Let them remember him as they knew him, not someone who is in a hospice and is seriously ill

My Dad died suddenly so hospice visiting wasn't something that was an option, but had it been he would have loved to see the grandchildren IF I didn't think they'd be traumatised by it. My Mum is in her 80!s now & would also love to see the grandchildren IF they coukd cope with it (but they're all much older than yours now). OTOH I was an adult when my maternal Grandad died, but he couldn't cope with the little ones.

there is no right or wrong , just making the best decision you can for the people involved 💕

My Dad was in a hospice for the last weeks of his life, and my daughter wanted to bring her 2 older DC in to see him one last time but we talked it through and I'd said I'd rather they remembered him as he was the last time they saw him. It's no place for young children.

My FIL died in a hospice a couple of months ago and we did not take DCs (9 and 11) to see him. We decided it was best that their last memory was of him before he had gone so far downhill. We just explained to them that sometimes when an elderly person is at the end of their life they don’t want too many people around, and they want people who love them to remember them as they used to be. The DCs were happy with that and understood. We did take them to the funeral.

Depends on the child and also the atmosphere of the hospice.
My mum wouldn't take me to hospitals or funerals something which made me wonder what went on which was so bad.She then got cross because I took my children to funerals and to visit people in hospital and hospice to say goodbye.

Why did you feel guilty about not visiting your grandmother? Did you get offered the choice and say no?

I took DD to visit my grandmother in hospital, but she was still aware and I believe it gave her a moment of pleasure to see DD. I'm not sure I would if the person is unlikely to be aware.

However I'm pretty sure my kids would have been fine to visit. Possibly a bit bored, but fine. I did regularly take them to see my other grandmother in a care home towards the end, partly because it made it easier to chat with them in the room. Would you prefer them there or is it easier without?

I took ds2 aged 8 to see my my nan at the hospice before she died. She smiled when he touched her hand and although she looked really ill Ds2 didn't flinch and kissed her on the forehead and said 'nan, it's me. it made both of them happy as he hadn't seen her for a few weeks.
She died within a few days.

I dont regret taking him.

No. I don't think it would be of benefit to either party.