AIBU to question my friend's daughter effectively moving in with us?

This is not true. This is a private arrangement and social care are only involved to do basic checks to ensure the carer and her partner are safe for the child to be there. This is no where near the legal threshold for any of the children to be formally removed from their parents and therefore , it is down to the parent to exercise their PR regarding where the child is, not social care.

If there are wider safeguarding concerns for the child, that needs to be investigated but the current arrangement is dealt with separately.
Most people don’t realise that social workers don’t remove children, courts do. Social workers do all the investigating and prepare reports to submit to court but the only people who can actually remove a child are the courts or the police. As I said earlier, based on what you have shared in this post, this would not meet the legal threshold for the child to be removed.

Regarding it being an unregulated placement- it is not a placement as such as the child hasn’t been ‘placed’ there by a professional body, therefore, it doesn’t need to be regulated other than to have the necessary basic checks completed.
i am a social worker in a Kinship team who completes SGO assessments as part of my role. I think what you are doing is amazing OP and it is sad that private fostering comes with so little support. I would advise you check out the Kinship charity as they have info on there. Kinship carers are the unsung heroes of society x
https://kinship.org.uk/

Can you hit them up for financial support? It sounds like the poor kids are in a really shit situation.

Women who pick shitty men over the safety of their children, don't deserve to keep their children. She is not your friend, you need to TELL her she's being a shit mother, and cut her off. There's a time for kindness with struggling mothers, but she is willfully putting her kids in danger.

It is not your job to take any of her children in. It's one thing to have her 12 year old occasionally, but social services need to place all of her children in foster care.

https://frg.org.uk/get-help-and-advice/advice-sheets/#2.-kinship-care

https://www.leeds.gov.uk/one-minute-guides/section-20-children-act-1989

https://www.leeds.gov.uk/one-minute-guides/kinship-care

some good resources to look at.

What happens next is you need to decide if you want this child to be a more or less permanent addition to your family. If not arrangements need to be made for her to either return home, live with another relative or go into care. If you do want her at your house inform social services and the parents. There can't be all this uncertainty imho.

I’m someone who has been that child, I moved in with my best friend at 13. It started with dinner once a week, which turned into sleep over once a week, which turned into all weekend and then one weekend I never went home. We shared her double bed for ages and then I eventually got my own bedroom.

i was a very naughty kid, for obvious reasons, but never once messed around there.

we’re still best friends now in our 30s and I still call her mum and dad mum and dad. (I am aware they are not my mum and dad though, they didn’t buy me my first house or still take me an my kids on their family holidays 😂)

@Fluffyholeysocks Some parents really are that awful, sadly. Alcohol, drugs and DV will have beaten her down too.
OP, work with SS. Explain your concerns. Ask what happens if things deteriorate in, say, two years time. Are any arrangements permanent or can you come up with an interim solution for right now.
I'd say it's essential for her to have her own room (pretty sure SS will insist on that) if she does live with you.
Whatever happens, you can continue to be a big part of her life as long as she lives in your area.

You sounds a lovely friend to her - but she is absolutely not your friend. If you are happy to offer the DD a stable home, you've got to get her mother to face up to her responsibilities. You need a financial contribution - that's non- negotiable. What's her plan on getting her family back together? What changes is she making? You can't drop parenting responsibilites into someone elses's lap ?
I couldn't be friends with a person like this. I commend you on providing her DD a home.

Kids like this have no chance in life with such feral parents. You are doing a noble thing by giving one of them a chance despite hardship to yourself. I'd do it. Well done.

Social services will be guided by you. If you say you're going to enter into a private fostering arrangement, that is what they'll assess

If you say you're not going to and she cant stay, they'll make a decision about whether she has to go home or can go home or not.

You have to instruct them what you want to do.

SS should be of the view that it's harming for the girl to return to Sarah's care given the chaos at home. There need to speak to her on her own to complete an assessment. It's unusual a child will rather stay elsewhere than at home so there might be even more going on at home than you are aware of that puts her at risk.

Ask SS to complete an assessment during which time your home will be an 'unregulated placement'. You will get some financial support. If it's decided that she can remain with you, then you will get more support once a panel has agreed it's in her best interests to stay with you rather than return to her mother's care. Feel free to DM me. I work in this field.

Twelve is so young. Whatever happens, you have already had a positive effect on this girl’s life and she will remember that forever. Poor child.

make sure the social workers also know the mother blames the 12 year old for all this. That child is not safe to return.

There is the option to apply for an SGO once the child has been living there for 12 months. This is a much more formal arrangement and will require a full kinship assessment but it would give the carer PR and might mean she is entitled to financial support from the LA. If it were done as a private application (as would likely be the case in this situation) it would need the consent of both parents

One thing to consider is your own 12 yo dd. I believe in a fostering situation they wouldn’t normally give you a kid the same age as one of your own. My dd completely changed her friendship group from age 12 to age 13.

So what happens if the girls are sharing a room at your house, but at school they drift apart and indeed really aren’t friends at all any more? Worse - what if they fall out? It happens. It’s one thing to hang out with someone - lovely - it’s another to understand this person is now effectively a full time member of the family.

I think it could be a really difficult situation for your dd. She could be put in such an awkward spot.

On the other hand there is also a chance it will work absolutely brilliantly. It is so hard to predict.

In conclusion:I don’t think I would do this unless the foster child had their own bedroom.

I wonder if the girl is fostered formally - does much really have to change? The girl can still come to your house after school /holidays / weekends.

If she does Sounds like she’s probably only receiving support from UC for 2 out the 3 children so it’ll be just the child benefit she’d lose and possibly bedroom taxed.

Her 12 year old won’t be pushing back against what she rightly sees as insufficient parenting and a safe loving home.

I really feel for the young girl in this and her siblings. She knows the environment isn’t good but is probably worried about her siblings too.

You are wonderful, OP. Surely the friendship is over now though, because you have completely different values. And she is clearly an idiot.

It sounds like it will work well at the moment. However I'd be worried that it only works because your daughter and her are good friends. What if this changes in the future? They're at an age where friendship groups can change massively. What happens if they drift apart or fall out or one of them starts hanging around with friends the other one hates and wants them over? I think your daughter needs to think this through as well

What did you say when your friend said 'keep her' ? Surely you challenged her that this is not a permanent situation? Is she really that cold hearted about her own DD?

It may seem an obvious question, but do you want to take her on full-time. Ie permanently? Like forever? You already have four other children in the household, with varying needs. There’s five children in the equation, not one, and you have to consider them all, not just now, but long term.

There’s another thread running whereby someone’s partner is taking on his nephew, in almost similar circumstances (ie, irresponsible mother) - young children involved. It may be worth a read as there some good advice on there.

Yes, that’s another thing op if she stays with you you need to make sure the child benefit etc are transferred into your name. No doubt that will annoy her mother.