AIBU to question my friend's daughter effectively moving in with us?

She clearly craves the stability of your family and you are happy to have her, so just keep doing what you are doing until Wednesday and then make a plan with social services that works for your family.

Go to Buttle UK, see if you can organise a funded boarding school place and she can stay with you in the holidays. Keeps her out of care, boarding has way better outcomes and she carries on as before in holidays.

Whilst I agree with your first part of OP loves this colds as I suspect she would she wouldn’t want her in foster care where she’ll probably have half a dozen placements in the next 4 years then go into some form of independent living.
I hope she can do it without any negative consequences for her own kids. I remember my parents letting my brothers girlfriend move in she must have been about 16, had her own room was family, she was a joy, she kept a room when they broke up until she was ready for uni. Still occasionally sees my parents 30+ years on. 12 is very young to do it, but I’d hope it can work out.

OP, I am in a similar situation.

You're lovely but you're not taking in the warnings from posters about how very psychologically and emotionally complicated (and damaging) this could get.

DD grows apart from friend - DD deeply resents you
DD grows apart from friend - sees you are still being nice to friend - DD feels replaced by friend and deeply resents you
Friend forced to accept unkindness from DD because otherwise thrown back to the wolves - DD learns that bullying works, after therapy in 20s deeply resents you
Friend become 'bad' teenager (within normal limits) taking all your attention - DD deeply resents you.
DD becomes 'bad' teenager (wnl) and friend, believing she will be less vulnerable to abandonment if she pleases you, leverages that in one way or another. DD deeply resents you.
DD fees unsure about difference between your relationship with her and friend, and you can't keep sayiing 'I love you more than her' - DD deeply resents you
DD becomes 'bad' teenager (within normal limits) but friend doesn't - DD feels you wish friend had been your DD and deeply resents you.

I could probably think of 10 more just on that theme alone, and that's before you bring in drunk Sarah knocking on your door at midnight demanding her DD back, sitting on the kerb bawling while her druggy DP comes round the side alley banging on the windows and threatening to call his mates. The other DC will suffer one way or another from the increased drama, whatever happens.

Family dynamics are really, really complicated and really, really not to be fucked with lightly. I don't think you can possibly make this decision without having a really clear 'therapy language' understanding of the possible outcomes and how you might (might) be able to offset them.

doesn't your dd have her own friends? what does your visitor do when your dd is out meeting her friends? same school?

Don't do this op for your own dd's sake. What if they fall out? Your dd won't want to share her home parents and resources with her friend.

While this is noble of you op, you need to think further down the line. What happens when shes 14/15 raging hormones and struggling. You wont escape it so what will you do when if she really goes off the rails and is traumatising your own children with her behaviour? This is a real possibility given the upbringing shes had so far. I couldn't prioritise her over my own children and their futures as hard as the decision might be. Yes she seems happy now but she's a child and can't call the shots on this one. Do you really want to subject your own children to years of ss involvement. You're being incredibly oblivious to all this.

I'm really sorry to say, the threshold for social services removing children from their mothers care is extraordinary high (regarding the younger ones). It's absolutely heartbreaking. I've been through it with my younger siblings, mostly my youngest one who was just a toddler at the time. My mum was an addict who had been charged with neglect, drunk in charge with a minor, assault on police etc MANY times, each time they would go and take photos of the state of the house which was unbelievable, and it was enough for her to come to me temporarily, but then they would have to give her back to my mum again. I fought through the courts to get legal guardianship of my yougest sister for years, basically from her birth, and eventually got it when she was 4.5 years old.
I get less money for her this way then when I fostered her, which is something that you should try and push for, because it will give you more support and if she needs uniform, a new bed etc, you can put in that request plus you get an extra payment for Christmas and birthdays which is helpful.

I'm sure in the future not only will this child be grateful to you, but your daughter will too, opening your home and your heart is a beautiful thing to do.

Oh Jesus poor thing :(

Much, much higher than the average person would think.
There must be real evidence of harm or likely harm.
I have seen children stay in awful situations sadly.

As someone who came from a very toxic family home and basically lived at friends homes, I just want to say thank you and how amazing I think you are.
You have no idea how important that safe space is for a child.

However, she is not your responsibility and it’s not fair that her mum and SS get to wipe their hands off her, knowing that you’ll pick up the slack.

Keep her with you for the holidays but make sure she goes back to her mums afterwards.

You need to calm your ‘friend’ out on what a shit mother she is and how she needs to stop putting her vagina above her own kids.

SS need to be involved and so you need to report as often as you need to.
You also need to make the school aware of everything and so that they can keep an eye on things too.

Tell the girl that she is always welcome at yours but that she has to live with her mum because she is the one with parental responsibility.

I can't help but think that theres going to be a problem if she wants to go to uni and everything about finances isn't absolutely nailed down. Just knowing that could substantially affect how she relates to your children and her education as i that starts being something a lot more real in her future.

I'm friendly with 2 adults (now in their 40s) who both moved in with family friends in their teens (one because of dysfunction similar to what you describe OP, the other due to parental illness and subsequent death). In both cases they view their 'new' families as their family - referring to them as mum/dad/siblings etc. They are happy, successful people with families of their own now. So it can work out. But, it's so complex OP - so many things to consider. It could also all go very wrong. Like others I would worry about the dynamic between the girl and your daughter if it shifts from extended sleepover to essentially siblings. Children change so much in adolescence, they may drift apart as friends as interests diverge. And are you and your husband in this for the long haul - through school, college, uni... A huge amount to consider but it's obvious how much you care about her, whatever decision you take doesn't diminish that.

My concern would be what happens if / when your DD and this girl fall out? Especially if they have to share a room

Is it going to lead to a weird dynamic where this girls feels that she has to keep your daughter happy or risk being thrown out?

That’s a really good question and can be different in different LA’s (which I appreciate shouldn’t be the case). It is generally much higher than most people think especially to meet the legal threshold for a child to be removed but there is a lot that could be put in place in the build up to that (early help, child in need, child protection). The approach from social care is always to look at the family network to see what support they can offer before intervening as that is best for the child. It’s not nice having social care involved so they shouldn’t be unless absolutely necessary. There is an even bigger push for this with the new social care reforms.
The way it stands at the moment is that you are providing safety for the child so the concerns have actually reduced. I appreciate though that this can feel really unfair for families as the then receive less support.
My advice to you would be to be really honest with yourself about what you as a family can provide this young person. It’s such a difficult position for you to be in but there is no shame at all in saying if you can’t do it. I always respect prospective carers when they tell me if they can’t as it means we can move on and consider other options. It is a huge commitment to take on another persons child and I would say doing it under a private fostering arrangement is particularly difficult as there is no support around it. Good luck with whatever you decide x

As she's so young I think this is tricky, the teenage years are difficult for everyone and you've no idea how this will pan out long term. Its a massive commitment

If she is officially to move in with you and you are ok with this you must get registered as a foster carer and treat it as a professional arrangement so it will be fully funded . You aren't a charity and you've got your own children to think of . Make that absolutely clear to all concerned. You’ll need the CRB checks and everything. Otherwise dont even consider it .

I may be being thick but why did you call ss? Because parents were on/off and having arguments.
Was it loud and violent? Not judging just wondering

You are lovely to take her in...but what if her and your daughter fall out? They are almost teenagers and the fallings-out of teenage girls can be the stuff of legends!

In my experience Social Services are so overstretched, they’ll jump at the chance of having a child living somewhere they know is safe, and they won’t ask any more questions.

The younger 2 will almost certainly stay where they are, because parents have to pretty much kill their kids before they’re forcibly removed. All Sarah will have to do is tell them that Steve has moved out, and they’ll accept that the danger has been removed, and move on to the next case.

OP what you’re doing is extremely kind, and I admire you for it. But I would think carefully before formalising it as a long term arrangement . Right now Sarah’s daughter is a sweet 12 year old. But teens and puberty will soon come, and given what she’s witnessed growing up, there’s a strong chance she could have some significant issues. It may be hard for you all to manage.

This happened to one of my friends, a best friend of her son’s moved in with them although he was 15 so may be slightly different.
Mum had moved her new bloke in, son and new bloke didn’t get on so he spent more and more time at my friends house.
It came to head with a massive row when he was at his house and the son was told if he couldn’t abide by the rules he could get out.
He left, went to my friends and she rang social services. I don’t know all the ins and outs but he remained at their house and didn’t go back. He stayed with them until until he finished school, got his apprenticeship and he moved out when he was 19. He considers my friend as his Mum and she treats him like she does her biological children and has no contact with his Mum, he had no siblings.
I guess all you can do is wait for them to visit again on Wednesday and see what they have to say.
Sadly parents ‘washing their hands’ of teen children is not uncommon but usually a family member steps in, why didn’t she want to go to her Aunties with her siblings?

100% this. So much potential for your own DC to be adversely affected, especially since the teen years are looming.

For the moment, how about saying she can stay for the whole Easter school holiday if she often does this anyway, but that you will be returning her to family / SS at the end of the hols? This gives some structure & clarity, shows caring to her & has a better chance of nudging family / SS to plan longer term than if you leave things open. You can always extend the stay later but if you indicate now that you might take her for longer it will mean, sadly, that her welfare slips lower down others' priority list and you may also find yourself feeling trapped into something that is not right for your family.