AIBU to question my friend's daughter effectively moving in with us?

No one said op has to pay for university. Why does it have to be all or nothing? A very young child needs support in the present.

Your a wonderful person op and sound ready and capable, please don't let posters discourage you. The girl deserves a chance. Only if you feel able of course.

Children are expensive and teenagers even more so. If you commit to taking this child on, where does it stop, are you paying their food? Travel? Clothes, uniform, shoes? New phones? Laptop? School trips? Will you have to buy them whatever you buy your own child as presents? What about going forwards…putting them through driving lessons (£350 for 10) and then beyond…university is eye-wateringly expensive. It shouldn’t be on you to have to fund this.

Just to add, I'm basing my previous response on personal experience - I know everyone is different. In my friends case, her son's friend moved in with them in similar circumstances. The boy had a toxic relationship with his mum, kept going back to stay with her, then returning even more messed up because of his mum's behaviour. He was lovely aged 11 but became rude, surly and aggressive. She couldn't discipline him because as he told her 'he didn't have to listen to her', the boys friendship changed over time as friendships do, and younger family members suffered because of his behaviour. All children can become PITA teenagers but it's different when its your own biological child.

I wouldn't I'm afraid, given her age and the history and your current family commitments and responsibilities. SS need to step in and step up. It sounds fine atm, everyone is getting along but in a year or two, when the novelty wears off (for everyone) when her teenage hormones have properly kicked in, what happens then? Spending weekends and holidays with you is different to parenting and disciplining her, especially given her difficult childhood. She would be better placed with a neutral foster carer. I'm sorry if that sounds cold - I'm really not, but you have 4 children of your own to consider and this might not be the best thing for them.

There is no such thing as private fostering now

That is a shame op I have known people like this and I’ve never understood how they cannot do it for the kids. I hope if you do decide to take her in she stays as nice as she seems now. Unfortunately the girls could fallout living on top of each other and this would not be good especially when hormones and boys kick in. I feel for you and Sarah's kids either way no one’s a winner in this situation. I would be speaking to all of your kids individually to see how they all feel as if you do it as a group they might feel pressured to say yes. It’s a life changing decision for you all. How does your dh feel about it.

To the person saying that it will result in resentment from DD that isn't necessarily the case. My best friend growing up suddenly had another girl in our class living with her. They were friendly but it very quickly went from her friend staying over type vibe to the other girl just being a normal family member. She'd be doing her thing. Might join us for sleepovers in the living room, might not.
They shared a bedroom (along with another sister) because that was how much room they had. It was better than the situation the child had been in previously and better than the foster care option the child's siblings were experiencing. I would do the same for a child locally if I thought it was the best option for them. I would have talks with ss about support for us should the child's parents get aggressive with us adults and I would talk to the school about support available to the child there via pupil premium, Sutton trust etc. Hopefully though you will incur costs feeding her, you won't have to conjure up money for two of each school trip.

Well this is one of my concerns I mean taking in one 12 year old is one thing but what is the younger ones also need somewhere. Surely wouldn’t be able to split them up.
I couldn’t imagine my children being seperated
Of course they can split them up if there are no placements that can take siblings.
Our service can barely find foster carers for one or an emergency foster placement.

Honestly I your shoes I would not take on the responsibility. It may be OK during the honeymoon period but what if she doesn't want to follow your rules, what if she influences your dd?
What if parents dont contribute?
A bed for a few nights is completely different to having a private fostering agreement.

Personally I'd leave it to children's social care to sort out. They are used to situations like this. Your own family is the priority.

You can remain in contact with the child and offer regular contact which might be worth considering as she will at least have sone positive consistency in her life without you having the responsibility of a near teen.

Oh op what a horrible situation for the dc sarah is obviously more bothered about Steve than her own dd. I couldn’t ever give up my dc for a bloke even if he was the dad. Kids come first always. Op have you spoke to sarah away from the house to say you do realise your picking a man over the 3 kids can she be talked around what would she do if you said no you are her mum. Op the kid probably sees your household and thinks this is so much better than home. She knows she would love to live here and that’s why she’s not too bothered because she knows you will take care of her and she wouldn’t have to watch the fights it is scary watching anyone fight but to see it every week is awful.

Try contacting family rights group for some advice. This will help you to make an informed decision.

I knew a friend who was in the same situation too with a child in the same age bracket. I cannot remember the exact circumstances but I know there were times with it was very rocky. But the children involved are now adults and very close.

I have no advice to offer to the OP, but I do think that the post by @thestudio is an excellent one.

A friend did similar with her child's friend. Fought the LA to try to get support or a formal arrangement in place, never got a penny - the child was older though (15 I think) which may have made a difference.

I think you can be considered as a Kinship carer. Not sure of the details but have a feeling it is quicker and you’ll get some financial support x

Lots of diabolical warnings of risks.
But ... what if it all worked out?
The girls didn't fall out?
It didn't particularly affect your family dynamic or household bills?
There wasn't any more drama?
Your DD, her friend and your other kids all got their GCSEs and went on to succeed in life?
Whatever you decide to do you after you weigh up all the risks, you sound like a good person, trying to do the right thing in complicated circumstances

OP I know you mean well, but this is not your problem.

You already have 4 kids and you need to concentrate on them.

What if the father of this child (who you describe as "trouble") wants to visit her? Do you really want that bad influence in your home?

It's "No" from me.

I think she would be able to share a room with a long term friend of the same sex.

You are lovely to be accommodating the girl and I hope it can be put on an official footing for now, as long as you and your family are happy about it.

I don’t know what the answer is OP but unless it’s detrimental to your family let her stay.
my sisters friend was being physically abused by her dad (not sexually but pretty violent) l and ended up living with us for over a year. She was older and was able to move into social housing eventually, but she would probably say it saved her life. You can’t fix it for them all, and that’s not your responsibility, but if you can help this girl I am sure she will be very grateful.

You were definitely right to call the police/social care. I does sound like a concerning situation for all of the children ☹️

Do it officially. Request an SGO and make it clear you expect payment. Most local authorities now pay sgo holders the wage element foster carers get. So depending where you live you could be entitled to approx 1k a month. They might fob you off and try to say its a private arrangement and unpaid. But if the child's refusing to return home then social have a responsibility.

One thing you should be aware of is by doing a PF assessment, you aren’t committing yourself to anything. All it is for is to ensure you are safe enough for the young person to stay with. You can at any point say you don’t want to continue and the child will then have to return to their mother. The PF framework isn’t intended as a long term plan for a child more just as a brief safety check to make sure the child is safe