To tell DS i won’t pick him up from the airport at 2am or drop him off again after how he behaved today?

I think she said they 3 year old dad stays over sometimes do I'm assuming him.

Just text him now/ soon and say you can't pick him up so he has time to book other transport. Even if you live really remotely usually someone local will do an airport run for some cash. Has he gone with his Bf or alone?

Four times seems a bit excessive to see one artist. How's he paying for the tickets?

OP, why are you indulging this lazy entitled waster ?

He's 21 and not a child - he's an adult.

Tell him to shape up or ship out.

I would say no to collecting him. I do feel a bit sorry for him though, he sounds quite lost in life. Sharing a room with a kid, a girlfriend one minute, a boyfriend next. Obsessively following a singer around on tour, to the detriment of other areas of his life. Its all a bit concerning. I think some tough love is needed. He needs to sort himself out but I think needs your help too. He might need different therapy, maybe he needs guidance in finding a job that he likes, he needs to start being an adult and organising his own transport and finances and you might need to start charging rent. I think helping him find a place to live would be preferable to kicking him out, you don't want him to resent younger siblings and feel rejected.

I read it as the DS was in Uni
His [DS] gf broke up with him a few months prior..
He[DS]has a bf now and he’s[DS]in uni so hopefully he’ll [DS] want to do well too but i’ll believe it when i see it as he [DS] didn’t when he [DS] had a gf.

Would be good to have clarity? If the bf was in Uni, wouldn’t it have been written
He has a bf now who attends Uni….

Who is with your 12 year olds and 3 year old at home while you’re out giving lifts in the middle of the night?

Of course you're not unreasonable.
He needs to sort his life out at 21. Flitting all over Europe for multiple shows when he doesn't have a job? What a bloody liberty. Wouldn't we all like to be doing that with out time??
Bugger that.
Here's what I would do:

Send him a text saying you're not picking him up as he was a grumpy ass when you dropped him off, and you don't feel like it.
Start charging him rent and more money for bills (do you?).
Have a sit down talk when he is back about his long term plans.

I get the feeling you're a lovely Mum but far too soft and need to be tougher on him - otherwise you'll make things too easy for him which will not be helpful for him in the long term. He'll still be dossing at home home and working off and on at 40.

If I’m reading this right, it’s the son’s boyfriend who is a university student, not OP’s son.

I think it’s the boyfriend who is in Uni not OPs son

Minor details aside, he is a 21yo university student after a gap year at 18. So he is what? In his second or final year?

You don’t have room for him at home. I think I’d be depressed too if at 21 I was sharing a bunk bed with my 12yo brother. If a therapist isn’t helping, then get a different therapist. It’s really common to have to try many therapists and many medications before you find the right combination that helps.

Why isn’t he in university accommodation? Or a student flat share? He would then have a better idea of the value of money if he knew that food, rent, heat cost money. He would probably do better at Uni if he were living at Uni as well.

I think you need to sit him down and tell him he needs to move out.

Short term, collect him from the coach at 2am because it’s not really fair to cancel on him last minute. You don’t have to stay awake until then. Go to bed at 10pm, get up at 2am and then drive to collect him.

He can afford an Uber. Hrs not grateful, you're feeling too much.

If he can afford all that he can afford a taxi when he gets home.

The majority of this is irrelevant to the question. Your adult and essentially capable son wants a lift somewhere but it is not convenient for you. You are allowed to say no.

More generally, though admittedly you didn’t ask for general advice, I think it would be helpful to set out some expectations with him around how long he can continue to live with you and under what terms. There’s not really space for him to stay indefinitely and once he’s out of full time education you could reasonably ask him to contribute to bills. You could also talk to him about saving up for a deposit on his own place, perhaps offering to help a bit with that as long as he’s holding down a job etc. It’s good to be able to enjoy travel and music and so on at this age but it’s also important to have some plans how to become self sufficient.

Your 21 year old seems to be ruling the roost here, quitting employment when he likes, working when he likes, and treating the brother he shares a bedroom as well as you, how he likes.

At the very least his behaviour when unpleasant, needs definite attention. You don’t reward bad behavior. I don’t say this to patronize, you’ve got this big lad largely on your own, but he does need the very definite discipline of either study or full-time employment, a few manners to you his Mum are needed as well! It does read as if he treats you as a convenience. I wouldn’t be nearly as available in future until gratitude or appreciation are exhibited.

So who is in the house with the 3yo and the 12yos while you’re driving your adult son at 3am? If he is an adult and can buy concert tickets abroad he can book an uber to the bus in the middle of the night.

i understand the desire to support him and help him feel cared for and loved after an abusive home situation with your ex but you’re giving him the message that your responsibility is to do whatever is necessary for him to avoid taking any responsibility for himself and your other children will take note too of the way mums and women drop everything. Unless you want to be doing this for him for the next 10 or 30 years he needs to start taking responsibility for himself - job, paying rent if he’s not in education or training, making a contribution to the household on your terms.

I can’t imagine his self esteem or mood will improve if he doesn’t develop the willpower to spatula himself away from his phone and games console and start participating in home and his own life. The concert and idolising thing seems like a form of escape rather than a desire to participate in a fan community.

this is not a criticism of you - you’re trying to love and support him but it seems like he needs to develop some (hard- won) personal resilience and responsibility before it’s ingrained in him that emotional labour is someone else’s job and he doesn’t know how to do things to improve his self respect. I’d be nervous about his vulnerability to the red pill msnosphere tbh.

Sounds like he's been freeloading for years, dipping in and out of work as he sees fit. How's he funding his lifestyle now? With a student loan?
If he can afford flights and tickets to multiple concerts then he can certainly afford a taxi home.
Set some boundaries and stop giving him everything he wants. You're not helping him behave like an adult.

Why do you think that might be unreasonable?

I think you’ve over indulged him to his and your detriment so far. The worry is that it’s a bit late to fundamentally change the way he sees things and it will probably take a lot of time and pain.