I want the house. AIBU?

if the sexes were reversed you’d be making sure the woman got married. It should be the same for the man

Under no circumstances, sell your flat until this is sorted. DO NOT agree to
• sorting it at a later date, (it will be too late).
• only buy the property if he agrees that if he dies first, house goes to you & vice versa

Or

• seek legal advice, to see if possible, that if he dies first, his share goes to his children upon your death OR you can buy the children out of their share & vice versa if you were in agreement.

Don't be afraid to discuss your fears with him, you love each other & you can sort this, you just need to address the issues on both sides.

But obviously ring fence your deposit.

If you got married, you'd get it all if he died. Just saying!

Always operate on the assumption something will go wrong

He can take out additional life insurance. You both can. But his % of the equity in the house should absolutely go to his kids!

Let's say you remain unmarried and the house is bought as joint tenants, should either of you die the house passes to the other immediately.

If he dies, you get everything and his older kids get nada.

If you buy as tenants in common, where you ringfence your deposit and split the remaining according to accrued equity then you get your original share back as a % and the rest is split
(Say purchase price £100k, you put in 50k, set up tenants in common at 75%yours, 25% his so if he dies you keep your share as a proportion of your original investment, ALL his kids get a share of his 25% of accrued equity)

If you're married then I believe you'd get his share anyway unless he writes a will. He could still write a will passing his share to ALL his kids leaving you a lifetime interest.

You could both get extra life insurance as if either one of you dies then the expense of bringing up your joint child alone would be covered. He can take extra to ensure his own DC are taken care of.

As an aside, you're more likely to be critically ill than die during your mortgage term, worth considering this insurance too.

Op, you sound much more financially savvy than him. I would advise waiting a while after the baby is born to see what kind of parent he is to a young child and how he is as a father to your child before becoming financially entwined with this man. Also I suspect he may feel like it is your job to finance your child while he focuses on the other three

Women have to protect themselves, simple as. They always have more to lose. In every way.
Men should also protect their kids. Blending families is very complicated.

Don’t presume anything
He’s got three children and an ex that’s still rinsing him

Presume he's paying half the mortgage for the other 90% of the property.

This.

Also its the OPS flat sale that's providing the deposit! What's he contributing? Yet wants HIS kids to take precedent over OP if he dies!

Good compromise.

How on earth is he grabby for wanting to protect his share of the house (which he will contribute to over time) for the sake of his children?

Surely in this situation the grabby character would be the one insisting that they get all of the house, at the exclusion of children.

But it’s clear she needs the equity for the deposit isn’t it? And presumably doesn’t want the instability of renting.

like most when they move house

It sounds like if he died tomorrow ie before the house purchase, his Dc wouldn’t get anything as he doesn’t have any money or life insurance?
In your situation you need to ensure that your deposit is ringfenced so if you’re providing a 20% deposit, you get back 20% of any future equity should you split up. It’s important to use % rather than amount - if you only ringfence a deposit of £50k, you’ll only get £50k back if you split, but that amount will not be increased for inflation.
‘You also need to own the house as tenants in common, not joint tenants. Then you need to insure his life to the value of half the mortgage. You can also take out insurance against your own life for your own children.
What he chooses to do in terms of life insurance is up to him. You don’t need a joint policy.
He comes across as grabby!

Exactly this. If you have a property that already has a large amount of equity and it sounds like yous does then that's an amazing asset. You can use it to make money by renting. If you can wait a while then get the rent as part of your earnings for the mortgage. Also somewhere to go if you ever need it (hopefully you won't)

No I don’t. I just think there are an awful lot of conclusions jumped to here about the guys reliability on the basis of very little, other than the poster is fortunate to have her own property, whilst the bloke who has three dependent children doesn’t. I think flip the genders here and people’s responses are very different

for me the solution is simple anyway. He gets a secondary policy to cover his kids, and gives the partner the stability she wants. It won’t cost that much really, in reality. Another 20-40 quid a month.

Ex-wives might have a claim to equity acquired during the marriage. Ex partners do not have the right to be financially dependent as we’re all told in no uncertain terms on a regular basis on this forum.

No you don’t. The poster hasn’t elaborated at all on anything really concerning the context of the relationship beyond the ex partner is very financially dependent on him. As is her right by the way

Can you afford the mortgage yourself? If so buy it on your own and don’t get married and then you will own all the house and can do what you want with it. He can contribute to share bills and save / invest what he isn’t paying to a mortgage for his kids. If you need him to contribute to the mortgage and to buy jointly then he can do what he wants with his share.

You need to see a solicitor and have wills and LPoA drawn up together. Buy as tenants in common. To be fair to everyone, when one of you dies, their half of the estate should go into a life interest trust to protect that half from ever being swallowed up by care home fees. The survivor has the right to remain in the house and to use the trust to purchase a new house for their lifetime/until they meet a new partner. On their death, the estate is then divided between the heirs. In our case, my half will go to my 2 DC, DH's half will be divided between his 4 DC. His older DC have already inherited from their mother and her family: my DC will inherit their mother's estate.

I think we know enough to be fair